Month: January 2014

My Strange Addiction: Lofty Lusts

I have trouble getting an erection because I drink too much. Or maybe I drink too much because I have trouble getting an erection. But more than likely it’s because I watch way too much porn… everyday… several times a day. If there is a hell, then Satan is waiting for me to die so I can go down there and show him the best porn websites because I know all of them. I know the address to porn sites that haven’t even been created yet. I know sexual moves too perverse to be invented.

So I saw the movie “Don Jon” during Christmas break and aside from having a nice apartment and getting actual sex every week like my bro-crush Joseph Gordon-Levitt does in the movie, that film is a documentary about my life. I wake up, I look at porn, I workout, then I eat, while looking at porn, I go to class, somebody has a smartphone, and I show them porn on it, I go home, I look at porn, I workout, I look at porn, I go to my bathroom, I shower in porn, I brush my teeth in the shower—with porn, I porn my porn—with porn, I pop some porn in my popporn bowl, then I porn the porn with a porn full of porn until I porn my porn with porn, then I go to bed, and dream of porn.

I bring up the subject of pornography because right now I am watching the 2013 Adult Video News awards on some shitty movie channel that I will regret buying when I get my bill this month, and in front of me is my laptop, and on my laptop is porn. I’m not even burping the worm right now while I watch it; I’m just looking at porn because I can. Seriously, I am 105% flaccid right now and just swimming in porn because this is fucking ‘Murica and ma freedoms allow me to do so. My mind is growing and shaping itself within the confines of constant pornography and that can’t be good for me.

So the Adult Video News awards, or AVN awards, are the Oscars of the porn industry. Part of the reason that I am watching them on TV right now is because I have been to the AVN awards and it is bringing back fond memories. I have rubbed elbows and hangdowns with some of these porn stars and there is a myth about porn stars that I would like to end once and for all. People watch porno movies and interviews with porn stars that talk like preadolescent sailors and viewers make the assumption that these people are idiots. Well, I have been fortunate enough to converse with a few of these cock-socket contortionists and anal acrobats and I am able to make sound judgment on their cranial contents. I have sipped a gin and tonic with Sara Jay and Lisa Sparxxx, I had a hearty breakfast comprised of vodka and OJ with the MILF Hunter, and when I told Ron Jeremy that he looked exactly like my dad and he asked me what my father’s name was and I told him, Ron. What I would like to dispel about this myth of porn stars being foul-mouthed degenerates is that– now let me remind you that I have the highest respect for these individuals and my penis believes them to be gods–but yes, porn stars are fucking retarded. Porn stars are mental midgets crawling and philandering at the feet of such geniuses that have IQ’s high enough to eat pudding with a spoon.

But that’s just whatever. I want to talk about the movie “Don Jon” and how much it relates to my own life. I watch porn multiple times a day. I think about porn throughout the day. I have sexual preferences based on crazy shit that I have seen in porn. I have been in the midst of sexual activity with a real life woman and thought, gee, I would much rather be in my cheap Walmart wannabe Lazy Boy watching porn and roping the pony right now. That’s pretty fucked up. I remember the good ol’ days when finding a nudey-mag or scoring a porno tape from a friend would be considered one of the top 3 greatest events of that year, but now porn is at my finger tips at all times of the day. I remember putting “Married with Children” on mute so I could increase the surface temperature of my ship’s main cannon with rapid linear motion so my parents wouldn’t open the door to see why Kelly Bundy was talking about being a slut. Nowadays the internet is everywhere and all day long I feel like a Muslim extremist in a dynamite store. I have porn whenever I want it and being a man, I want it all the time.

What I have realized is that if I ever want to go on and live a moderately normal life then I have to stop living in a pornography fantasy where I have a ten inch penis, AIDS does not exist, all women love receiving anal sex, and that if I pee on a nude grandmother/mother/ daughter/ dog quadrangle they will simultaneously quiver with queefs as they gargle on my dong dew. Instead, I have to make these porn fantasies my reality. I will no longer watch porn movies while fantasizing about being elbow deep in a busty police woman’s anus, I will make that scenario a reality. I will only canoodle with ladies that like it in the can, I will only partake in multiracial multi-partnered cuckold romps, I will say “Yes tranny may I have another” whenever my naughty nurse slaps me in the face with a Twisted Fister rubber ankle, and yes, my only desert from now on will be a cream pie. I am starting anew. I will stop watching porn day in and day out. From now on, I shall live it.

Dear Facebook Diary, 1/13/14

I was rather busy during what I hope to be my last Christmas break from college. As usual, I went to Denver for New Year’s and ate a fancy-schmancy meal at Parisi’s and got unclassy drunk off of classy Peanut Newer wine. Peanut wine is my favorite wine and the only white wines that I like are Peanut Gregario and Reading wine. Peanut wine tastes like dark roses and Reading wine tastes like Champion without bubbles, but it gives me the same horrible hangover.

I also babysat my almost 3-year-old nephew for a few days, and despite the time that he screamed in agony because I wouldn’t let him go outside in the snow wearing only his diaper, we mesh rather well. We played with his Aquanauts while watching scuba diving videos on the TV, we danced to the Techno Chicken on YouTube 4,050 times, I read Shel Silverstein poems to him, we took naps together, and I taught him the magical powers of making any food taste better just by putting peanut butter on it. I find it strange that Peanut Newer wine tastes nothing like peanut butter but I still appreciate both of them for their own unique qualities.

What made this New Year’s different was that it was the second year in a row in which I did not kiss a girl or a stuffed raccoon at midnight and it is the first time that I know of in which I do not have a New Year’s resolution. The no kissing thing is because all of the girls at Parisi’s were either married or thirteen and their parents were present, and the raccoon thing didn’t happen because I wasn’t in Nebraska. But I think I’m done with making official New Year’s resolutions. I am already in the process of losing weight and looking like Joseph Gordon-Levitt and because of that I am sleeping more and drinking less. So right fucking there I’m doing two good things at once without having to make some lame fucking cockamamie public resolution to do so. Also, fucking also, I am writing a hell of a lot more. I am not posting what I write on my Coxturbo thing because that isn’t the reason that I’m writing that shit.

            The shit that I am fucking writing right now is fucking children stories. Today I was awakened with a sore lower back and then a couple of spasms as I made my way to Heinz Catsup. Heinz Catsup is the name of my exercise bike and I ride her everyday now; the bike is a girl even though her parents gave her the name ‘Heinz’, I dunno. While riding Miss Catsup I decided that I would spend the day on my cheap Wal-Mart wannabe Lazy-Boy writing some children stories that I’ve had in my head for a few years and a couple that my brother and I talked about. I am almost done with one about a turtle born without a shell (and OMG the whole story rhymes!!) and then I will start on another one about a baby squirrel that hibernates with a family of beavers after his mother dies and when he wakes up he thinks he’s a beaver too. I watched the movie “My Girl” again and even though it fucked with my head and caused me to crucify toads on toothpicks in my backyard as a child due to my inability to cope with Macaulay’s death in the movie, I think that it’s appropriate to discuss death in a children’s story. I also have a story about two groups of Kindergartners waging a battle against each other because of their different beliefs of where the sand shovels came from, only to find out that all of the sand shovels on the playground were placed their by the same janitor (it’s religious. Get it?), and I have like five other kid’s stories in my mind too. I am reading “Finding Alaska” by John Green right now because I think either Cacey Anderson or Jody Milford left it in the Owl Cove of the Fine Arts Building and I snatched it, and the book as well as my natural gift with nephews is inspiring me to write some motherfucking children stories.

To get my creative juices flowing, I am also writing a guide and my opus about diet, exercise, the fun drugs and alcohol, weight lifting, supplements, steroids, vitamins, and anything else bodybuilding and fitness related now that I have given up on all that heavy ass weight and am living a life of cardio and abs and my currently invisible jawline.  I do plan on posting that on my Toxshurbo blog once, or if, I ever get around to finishing it. I think some people would find it very useful and pretty interesting to see how much science I have put into looking good. Did you know that there is an actual scientific study proving that women can lose a significant amount of body fat with nicotine and vodka but it has little to no effect on men? Did you know that vitamin E with tocotrienols is cheap and sold over the counter and I’ve been taking it for years because in pharmaceutical studies it is shown to have a greater effect on preventing hairloss than prescription Propecia does? Yeah, didn’t think so. Well I’m half-assedly writing a whole guide on that stuff whenever I feel like writing about that stuff, and you know, I really do think that a lot of people would benefit from it.

As far as my own getting super lean thing goes I weighed 187.2 pounds on December 11th and this morning I only weighed 177.6 pounds, and both of those measurements were recorded in the nude and without boners. That means that I have lost 36 pounds in only 2 weeks and that number is only going to climb, oh, I mean fall. According to the same scale my body fat is 9.4% but measuring your body fat with an electro-pulse thingy on a weight scale is usually way off, but I will still tell you that it is correct if you are in my apartment and actually looking at the screen stating that I have very low body fat for my age. Did I forget to iron the front of my shirt? Oh no, that’s just my abs.

I am just rambling on now, but today I noticed that I have an ever so slightly thinner face and it is a preview of the gorgeous jawline that is to come. And I am writing stories now with the intention of trying to publish and sell them now. Oh, oh, oh, I am writing a script too! A guy that I know in Denver made an okay movie with the dumbest fucking dialogue that I’ve ever read and he is now in LA with a manager and looking forward to getting paid to write and direct more shitty movies, and it has inspired me to also write a shitty movie with even more retarded dialogue and to make a living off of it. And I do hope to make it here in Nebraska because that is what Nebraska needs, and it will be way fucking cheaper to make it in Nebraska.

Okay. I’m tired now. I am going to bed.  And I just realized that the date 12/13/14 will happen this year. I plan on meeting the girl of my dreams and marrying her on that date. I have a big year ahead of me.