Call it the Boomer Remover or the far too vague Coronavirus, it doesn’t matter because we’re all tired of arguing and we need to save our breath before the virus takes it away. What is important is that everyone is prepared to face this virus and the fact is you’re probably going to get it whether you’re prepared or not. You should also be prepping for the end of the world as we know it.

I really am wondering if I’ve already had the virus. I’ve been sick for a week and a half and I’m still dealing with a cough that’s gradually going away. It all started on a Friday two weeks ago. I went out for some drinks with some then soon to be and now married friends that Thursday night and the next day I was unnecessarily and ridiculously hungover. I woke up at 6:00AM in mid run to my bathroom and when I got there my face exploded with vomit everywhere. I went back to bed and a couple hours later it happened again. And I felt like I had a fever and I sat on the couch all day as per usual but I felt horrible while doing it. I went to the wedding rehearsal and then to the bachelor party and I still felt like crap but I was a soldier and managed to get drunk and go bowling and eat shitty food. Anyway long story short, the fever went away after a few days and I was stuck with a sore throat and a constant hacking cough and after a week of that it turned into a stuffy nose and coughing boogers. But I’m okay now.

I don’t know how I caught whatever I had but there were people from all over the country and even a few foreigners at that wedding. I also started my summer slim-down with my annual double serving of orange chicken from Panda Express. I’m not being racist and saying a Chinese employee exposed my orange chicken to the virus because I didn’t even see any Asian people working there, I’m just saying that Chinese people are putting bat meat in their chicken. My annual Panda Express orange chicken dinner always makes me sick but not like this.

I am writing this to provide some important information to those that have not gotten sick yet. This is a sort of guide and supply list that I made as a survivor of what may have very likely been COVID-19 but was probably a seasonal cold, and being an observant loner I can see where this virus thing is going. This is the end of the world. These steps seem rather extreme but we are on the brink of societal collapse and it is important to be prepared. No matter my reason for typing this, I care about you and your family’s health.

1. Buy More Alcohol Than You Think You Can Drink:

You will be staying home for an extended period of time so you won’t be bringing in a paycheck or having close contact with anyone. Despite your fears of running out of money you need to spend at least 75% of the money you do have on alcohol. Food comes second to booze when in isolation. The reason being that alcohol will get you through times without food and money but having food and money will not get you through times without alcohol.

2. Pornographic Magazines:

People choose to believe the police and all forms of law enforcement are what’s stopping society from turning into a raging bonfire of crime and cannibalism but they’re wrong. It’s the internet that keeps us in order, and more specifically it is internet porn. I’m not sure which will shutdown first, the power grid or the internet. I would imagine that both would go down at the same time but nobody knows for sure, there’s an episode of South Park based on this question. Communal sanity will be maintained as long as we can charge our phones on generators and sit in the dark watching old pornhub and youtube videos but the moment we lose online access to smut the shit will hit the fan. The only thing between you being raped and spermed as a way to tenderize and salt your meat before being eaten is porn. If you have printed pictures of naked people and naked people performing sexual acts you will be safe from violence because printed porno pictures will replace the dollar when planet Earth is burning. Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition pictures will be $1 dollar bills, Playboy will be $10’s, and Hustler pages will be worth hundreds of dollars or more. In a post internet world you can have your own personal army of teenage boys and kissless-hugless permavirgins that will defend you to the death just by funding your militia with pages from the 2002 catalog of Swank magazine.

3. Fleshlights:

Everyone knows what a Fleshlight is so I don’t need to explain. But in the apocalypse you either have a Fleshlight or you are a Fleshlight.

4. Stop Making Your Bed:

Jocko Willink tells young men to take extreme ownership for their actions and Jordan Peterson tells you that the one place you can begin to take control of your life is by cleaning your room. He says that something as simple as keeping your bedroom clean will lead to a snowball effect that can change your world for the better because most people try to make huge leaps and bounds in order to change their life and attempting to make huge changes instead little baby changes will inevitably fail. It’s old advice that Peterson rehashed but whatever. Now is the time to tell Jocko and Jordan to go fuck themselves. Uppity doctors are telling everyone to stop touching their face but if you don’t touch anything else then you can touch your face as much as you want. Let your home crumble around you and you won’t get sick.

5. Watch Shows Like Hoarders And Take Notes:

Over the past decade TLC has become the Lynchian body horror channel but now that society is falling apart I can see that it has been preparing us for chaos this entire time. The show Hoarders teaches us that hoarding can supply you with an abundant amount of everything you need as well as keep people away from your house. Freaky Eaters teaches us that humans can survive for decades by eating nothing but cheesy potatoes and you’ll learn from My Strange Addiction that you can sustain yourself on things like toilet paper and furniture stuffing, or that smelling gasoline every 20 minutes will numb pain and give you energy.

My favorite episode of Hoarders is the one with Shanna, also known as “The Poop Lady”. Shanna poops and pees in water jugs and then stores the jugs throughout her house and in her yard. She even enjoys eating her food with a few brown fingerprints on it if you know what I mean, and she won’t let the Hoarders team throw out her poop laced food until she is allowed to eat some of it first. Shanna lives one of the most heroic lifestyles ever recorded. She has built up a Mcafee Antivirus level immune system and nobody fucks with her or her shit, and by shit I mean her home and everything in it that’s covered in shit. I’m sure that after the show aired Shanna was shamed into hiding but Shanna is the hero that this country needs right now. I remember those commercials from the 90’s that were on MTV during black history month where little black kids would say “I am Malcolm X”. I expect that after the virus has killed off 90% of mankind and only the strongest have survived, when television begins again there will be “I am Shanna” commercials.

6. You Need Me:

I have already had this virus and my body has defeated it. I have the antibodies needed to beat this thing and you need my bodily fluids in and around your mouth. I am Shanna. I am Legend.

7. Potatoes Potatoes Potatoes

Second to alcohol this food should be your staple. They have everything you need in them and you can cut one of them into 5 pieces and grow 5 more potatoes. Potatoes are the gremlins of foods. You leave them in a dark place for too long or get them wet and they start growing and multiplying. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, but give a man a potato and his cupboard under the sink will be bursting with food about 2 weeks after he forgot about the potato he put in there.

8. Also Coffee:

I should have grouped all of the necessary foods and liquids into one category but then the list wouldn’t be long enough. You’re going to need lots of coffee. You’re not going to work and you’re not making your bed and your poop needs to be nice and watery to squeeze it out into a jug so you will need a constant supply of coffee. If you’ve already spent 75% of your money on alcohol like I told you, and you only needed to buy 2 or 3 potatoes to start your own food supply, and I don’t think they even sell porno mags anymore so you’ll have to steal your dad’s hidden stash, then the rest of your money should be spent on coffee. I am a former 2 time Mr. Universe and people often ask me if I do cardio to lose body fat for the summer. My fat burning secret is that I spend every morning drinking coffee on an empty stomach until I’m fighting off a panic attack or a diabetic coma. They both feel the same but once I’m staring at the ceiling and have lost the ability to see colors I know I’m in the fat burning zone.

9. Wearing A Bathrobe And Masturbating All Day Might Be A Cure…

I completely isolated myself in my apartment for about a week until I felt like I had gotten over this horrible virus. The only time I left was when I went to Walmart at 1:00AM to buy groceries because I didn’t want people ogling me while I coughed my lungs out, and I don’t give a shit if the long haired guy with glasses that pushes the industrial sweeper around Walmart for his entire 10 hour night shift gets sick. That sounds cruel but for some reason I feel like that guy is already following this possible cure. While I did ramp up my vitamin C intake by taking an extra 1000mg tablet before bed and I continued my 3 days a week workout routine there was one mode of action that I took that outnumbered all of the others. I pretty much did this one thing all day long and it just might be the thing that saves this planet.

10. If You Write Stuff You Should Write Right Now:

Theaters around the world are closed and will be closed for a while. The entire entertainment industry is taking it up the ass pretty hard at the moment and when this whole thing is over Hollywood will be looking for stories to turn into movies. Non retarded people are sick and tired of superhero movies and sequels so this might be the time that your idiotic sci-fi outer space or fantasy Game of Thrones ripoff stories could become successful. Write like crazy in between the masturbation sessions you should be adhering to.

11. Stop Talking About Politics:

Look, I will admit that when this whole virus thing began in China I was immediately suspicious of it being a way for China to clear its streets of protestors and manipulate the markets by driving product scarcity and tampering with currencies. But later when I was filling up at the gas station due to gas being cheaper thanks to Saudi Arabia and Russia, while I was watching the stock market tank on CNN Money on my Iphone I must have gone through 911 different catastrophes in my head and realized I would be a Waco, I mean wacko, to think that this virus is being overhyped for political and economic reasons. That’s like believing O.J. Simpson wasn’t found innocent due to the enormous lack of evidence against him.

Lets be honest here. Neither Democrats or Republicans have ever used a tragedy to boost their approval among the masses. The cities asking for the most federal funding to combat the virus are sanctuary cities that lost federal funding for refusing to report illegal immigrants in their court system but coincidences happen. Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden are old people that don’t know how to use an Ipad which is why they don’t know that closing borders is the first thing that slows down your ability to spread your virus in the game Plague Inc. And I would never expect this current round of Democrats to paint themselves into a corner by blaming it on Republicans and saying they refused to address the problem, and then the Republicans would steer into this whole virus thing to turn it into a sort of manufactured 9/11 as a way to boost Trump’s reelection once the virus dies down and the stock market gets a huge bounce from the Fed pumping funny money into it and the banks are loaded with more bailout money to give out like candy, and Trump gets to take all the credit for life being peachy again. These current Democrats never paint themselves into a corner by going all in with a ridiculous issue. I mean saying “believe all women” would be just as dumb and extreme as saying “all women are liars” and would be just as easily refuted with hundreds of examples from history. Pssh, pfffft, faaaahhh, pffffffffftttsssss, sheesh… in no way is this virus being used politically during an election year.

Overall though, just shut the fuck up about politics for a while. If you’ve got to talk about negative stuff then talk about how Disney ruined Star Wars or that a soccer player just set a world record for doing “keepie uppies” with a soccer ball non stop for 50 miles across a frozen lake over the course of 48 hours.

Well, that’s my list of suggestions for surviving what is obviously the end of mankind on this planet. I was hoping Elon Musk would have gotten us to Mars by now but he was too late. We are doomed and it’s all because of Campbell’s Nocturnal Noodle soup. But I survived it, I think. I may or may not have had the Boomer Doomer Disease but I’m sure it feels the same and you would want to treat it the same way. Yeah, I definitely had the coronavirus.