Month: June 2018

A Thorough Review of Enfamil’s New Baby Formula

 

I tend to get strange things in the mail and today I am staying home to treat the “weeping” poison ivy rash on both of my feet and ankles, so it is a good day to soak my feet in salt water while I write a review. With that said, I still have 8 servings left of my 30 samples of the new Enfamil NeuroPro™ line of baby formula but I feel that I have drank enough of the product to make a fair assessment of its quality.

Their are 3 different products under the Enfamil NeuroPro™ line. There is the the NeuroPro™ Ready to Use® formula for newborns that comes premixed in individual bottles. Then there is the NeuroPro™ Gentlease® that simply comes as a powder in a cylinder container and is specifically designed for easing gas in fussy babies. And finally we have the NeuroPro™ travel packs with an enhanced fat and protein blend. All of these blends come with MFGM & DHA fatty acids that were previously only found in actual breast milk, but this third mix has extra extra MFGM & DHA fatty acids and can now be found in this easily digestible formula that is packaged in easy to carry individual powder packets, like those energy drinks you mix into your bottle of water before adding vodka.

Before I start I will let you know that none of these formulas have resulted in me having the gooey green baby shits that smell like St. Louis. However, I have only been drinking 1 serving a day usually after working out and I have only been consuming them for 22 consecutive days now. I am also a full grown man. So the green baby shits are still a possibility when fed to an infant.

 

ENFAMIL NEUROPRO™ READY TO USE® FORMULA

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I really shouldn’t start this review with the best of the bunch, but here we are. Out of the 3 different flavors this premixed version not only had the best taste and texture but was also the most convenient. Unlike the other versions of NeuroPro™ I refrigerated these little bottles. It was nice to finish a hot and heavy weight sesh by opening the fridge and slugging down an ice cold baby formula.

Taste: 6/10

I know that I said that this was the best tasting but I cannot give it higher than a 6/10. None of these formulas could ever be mistaken for being delicious. I know that you’re not supposed to give babies salt while their kidneys and whole filtering system is still forming in the first few months, but tasting these formulas really made me feel sorry for babies that are given fake breast food. Not only are they denied the chance to suck on a titty but they are forced to swallow this dick water several times a day instead.

Anyway, all of the formulas tasted like unsweetened soy milk with a secret flavor added. This one tasted like slightly sweetened soy milk, maybe even with a hint of brown sugar or perhaps graham cracker. It wasn’t overly sweet but underly sweet. A little more sugar and this stuff wouldn’t be that bad.

Best Way to Serve: Cold

The best way to serve this formula is as I said, ice cold. Being a baby sucks and that’s why babies whine like toothless quadriplegics that have to rely on others to do everything for them. Give them a break from their misery with the bonus of making them shut the fuck up with an ice cold premixed formula to wind down the day.

ENFAMIL NEUROPRO™ GENTLEASE®

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This one is okay. It tastes a little more like milk than soy, but it still has that underlying dirt flavor of soy. I’ve never eaten or drank granite but I imagine the flavor would be a lot like soy. If they ever make a soy Gatorade they should call it Mount Rushmore. Well this mix is pretty cut and dry. You scoop it out and mix however much you think your baby can handle. And you can cram a lot of this shit into a baby before it cries for mercy because this formula is specifically made to stop babies from crying. I want to experiment with this baby formula but I don’t have a baby myself. I want to know, if a food is made to stop a baby from crying, how much of it would it take to make a baby start crying. Or would the baby just eat itself to death like a pet goldfish before they cried?

Taste: 5/10

This one gets bonus points for its mild creaminess both in texture and taste. I don’t know if you were into bodybuilding circa the early 2000’s, but this one sort of reminded me of the cheap flavorless protein powders from back in the day. These powders would contain protein but you didn’t know what the other 80% of it was made of but you knew that it was 500% more anabolic than the other most anabolic powders. I guess you could say it’s sort of like powdered milk, with powdered soy.

Best Way to Serve: In Coffee

It has a funky after taste but a creamy taste before the funky after taste. It smells nice too. I found it works best as a nice little coffee creamer. This container is going to last me quite awhile because I only use half a scoop in my coffee and it’s a pretty big can. Most of the babies I’ve seen are happy in the morning, but if your baby is a little snippety upon waking then add a scoop of this into their morning coffee.

ENFAMIL NEUROPRO™ TRAVEL PACKS OR WHATEVER THEY CALL THEM®

 

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This baby formula was designed by Iraq for the purpose of destroying America. While it has the foundation of unsweetened soy it has the skyscraper of fish flavor built on top of it. It has been years since I instantly spit something out entirely based on the taste, and that’s coming from a guy that likes eating at Taco John’s.

Taste: Planck Length/10

That taste rating is so bad that you don’t even know what it means. I know that breast milk has the MFGM & DHA in it but there is an obvious reason that it doesn’t have extra MFGM & DHA in it, because it tastes like fucking fish. If you truly hate your baby but you don’t have the guts to outright kill it, this is your formula. It really does taste like soy milk with raw salmon in it. I made it through half a pack of this stuff before I had to start adding alcohol to it and you know something tastes bad when it can still overpower the flavor of straight vodka.

Best Way to Serve: With Contempt and Full Disrespect

Don’t be a dick. Your baby doesn’t want to drink this. If you ever find yourself in a tight spot money wise and for whatever reason this is the only formula you can give your baby, let your baby go hungry. If you have to choose between this formula and suplexing your baby I think your baby would come out of a suplex with less emotional damage and would turn out to be a more well rounded human being than they would if they were raised on this formula. If you want to know who they tested this formula on before putting it on the market then Google the top 20 most evil people to have ever lived.

 

Overall: Zero Results

I lift weights every single day but I’m not trying to get any bigger. That translates into me still being a meathead that is finally satisfied with the way I look after 2 decades of lifting but I wouldn’t mind being bigger. It’s funny how it works because when you’re a string bean that starts lifting the only thing you want is to be as huge as possible. And if you’re like me you eventually get as huge as possible and realize it sucks, so you shrink down a bit. But you’re always in pursuit of being the biggest guy in the gym and if you lift alone in your own gym like me, then you’re always trying to be bigger than me. Holy shit, it never ends.

Well even if I have a week left I can conclude that drinking baby formula does not result in muscle gains or fat loss. Bummer. Which makes me wonder if it should be given to growing babies but I know the more garbage you feed a baby the more they grow in every direction. If I get more of this crap in the mail I might even take it to the post office so the family it was supposed to be sent to but it had my address on it can give it to their baby. But I know that I’ll just end up drinking all of it again.

 

 

* Correction: I said that I had 8 more servings of formula to go but I was wrong, I only have 7. I gave a bottle of the earthy but flavorful Ready To Use® formula to a young couple that recently moved in together but they haven’t told me if their baby liked it or not.

 

The Politics of the Park

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My 7 year old nephew is staying with my parents for a month. My parents take him to all kinds of places to entertain and spoil him, but I am in charge of his physical activities. So every night, or now about every other night, I go to my parents house and take my nephew to the park to wear him out.

The park I take him to is right across the street from my parents’ house. It’s the same park that my brother and I grew up playing in and it’s a magnet for little kids that tend to act like massive assholes. Maybe every park is like that, I don’t know. Just scummy little douchebags cheating at the games they play and calling each other names and even calling me names. Don’t get me wrong, I love kids and I’m actually really great with kids. But some kids might find an incentive to straighten out their act if they took a shovel to the face.

So my nephew is pretty social and he’s already gathered his own gang of rag-tags that meet up with him every night at the park. One of them is an overweight 8 year old, another is an antisocial nerdy looking kid that never wears a shirt, and the others are two slightly older girls that show up for their meetings now and then. The girls are a little flaky but the two boys are consistent with their presence. Especially the overweight 8 year old that also lives across the street from the park.

My nephew is very athletic. My brother and I have lifted weights and been 6’4” super bros for over 20 years now. Both of us are a regular Chad Thundercock that spends our spare time snapping skeleton butts with towels in the locker room and mocking fatties by eating Twix and rotisserie chickens in front of them because even if we don’t workout our genes make us build muscle and burn candy like Mount Kilauea. So of course our kids have to be athletic. Both of my sons made all state wrestling last year and the other one is dead to me. I’ve taught my entire family to ignore him into believing that he doesn’t exist. Even if our dog, Bark Ruffalo, shows any attention to the third kid living in my house, I burn the dog’s ball bag with my lit cigarette. I didn’t skip neutering Bark R. because I want him to have puppies, it’s just that having his balls chopped off would take away 90% of the ways that I know how to punish a dog.

Okay, so every goddamn night that I take my nephew to the park him and his gang play tag. And they don’t really play tag against each other, they only play tag against me. I am always “it”. The entire fucking time. My nephew is the only one that has any respect for the rules of tag. He might utter “no I’m not” right after I tag him, but he still goes along with the rules and will acknowledge that he is in fact “it”. But the other little shit heads at the park, Jesus Christ!

The fat 8 year old, let’s call him Denny, he taunts me and calls me hairy buttface and despite only being 8 he has the speed and grace of a bucket of shit. Every time I tag him he’ll immediately say “no I’m not, I tagged you back” or “you tagged the back of my head so it doesn’t count” or “I called time out”. And he’s lying. The kid’s a fucking liar. I tagged him clear as day, everybody saw it, and he still has the gall to lie to my face about it. And after I’ve tagged him 50 times on the 51st he’ll finally agree that he is in fact “it” and then he starts crying because everybody is running from him and he doesn’t like to run. He openly brags about weighing 110 pounds which is roughly twice the ideal weight of an 8 year old boy. I am a staunch advocate for HAES, or Health At Every Size to all of you that are choosing to actively ignore the body shaming epidemic, but seeing an otherwise healthy 8 year old child that is incapable of running due to his weight almost made me consider that it isn’t healthy to be overweight, but then common sense came back to me and I gave him my other Twix.

And the scrawny shirtless kid with big nerdy glasses that rides a mountain bike fit for Manute Bol, he’s got no social game at all. We’ll call him Gill. I’m not sure about Gill’s age but I’m guessing that he’s older than he looks and he doesn’t have very many friends. He’s lean and he runs really fast and he seems smart, but he just comes off like a dick. He’s the first one to get genuinely pissed about anything and he slings 4 letter words around like a southern garbage man. He also pulls the “I’m not it you’re it” bullshit every time I tag him. I swear to God I whispered “fuck you” at him but he didn’t hear me because he was loudly saying the same thing.

Both of these cheaters demand that I play tag. They won’t even play tag or any other games if I’m not playing. When I stop running after Denny and Gill they’ll both start asking why and I tell them it’s because they constantly deny being “it” every time I tag them, so it isn’t fun to play tag with them. So they’ll whine, “alright we’ll play by the rules”. Then I’ll tag one of them and they’ll start in with the same bullshit about why they’re not “it”.

After chasing them in 95 degree weather for 2 hours straight, I’ll say “okay I’m taking a break” and sit on a bench. And holy shit. Denny instantly starts calling me lazy and Gill calls me a pussy and then my nephew starts saying that I’m a chicken and I have to tell my nephew to not repeat what Gill is saying and I don’t get a moment’s fucking rest. I like it when the two older girls show up because they’re willing to play a few rounds of tag without my involvement. But with the boys, if I’m not playing then they’re not playing. Christ almighty whatever happened to just playing with friends? I used to hate it when adults would try to play with me and my friends. It’s like kids are losing their imagination these days.

Well I’m not going over there tonight. I slept from midnight to 11:00AM today after running for a solid 4 hours last night and I’m not in the mood to do it again. My left leg hurts too. I want to add that I have yet to see any of these kids’ parents and all of these kids call me Uncle Luke now because that’s what my nephew calls me. They wanted to play the granny version of tag where you have to grab and hug somebody to tag them out of the game, and of course I had to be the granny. I refused to play and I told them that if they went home and told their parents that a stranger at the park that they call Uncle Luke played a game where he had to catch and hug all of the little kids then I wouldn’t be able to come to the park anymore because I’d be in jail for a few years. Only the girls knew what I was talking about.