THAT’S [insert your agenda here]-PHOBIC!!!!

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Unlike the evil munchkin handed orangutan colored President that is the result of the extreme leftists being too forceful with their opinions, I am not a bully.

So I want to give my condolences to the majority of my Facebook friends that are personally offended over the ruling of transgendered people no longer being allowed to volunteer to serve in the military. I know that most of the art and theatre majors that I went to school with either have purple hearts from being wounded in combat or maybe this ruling has crushed their lifelong dreams of possibly dying overseas to defend the very government that they constantly complain about as being evil, but I get it. Dreams are trampled on everyday and it sucks when those dreams are yours.

I know how it feels man, or woman, or they, or them. I have never been allowed to serve in the military because I was diagnosed with asthma as a child and then I got some boo-boos from a car wreck in high school. I workout vigorously with weights everyday, and it shows, it really shows, but that still isn’t enough to prove to our evil government that I am war mode ready. Despite my inability to remember the last time I had an asthma attack the government still won’t take the chance of having to spend the extra money on asthma medication or somehow having my condition compromise the lives of others. So I know what it’s like to be robbed of the opportunity of waking up everyday at 5:00AM to be yelled at by R. Lee Ermey while running obstacle courses to eventually end up in a foreign country where opposing soldiers will stop at nothing to kill me. Even if joining the military is a choice and not a requirement or a right, I feel for you.

It is understandable as to why the military would refuse to put a person as physically debilitated as me in as quarterback of the platoon because of the 1% chance of me needing to take a puff of albuterol during battle. But there is no reason that a person that requires weekly hormone injections and most likely needing a complicated gender reassignment surgery in the future should not be considered 100% trustworthy in battle and in no way would they be a financial liability. It is ridiculous to believe that the ruling would be anything other than a social insult against a minority that the hyper liberal media sources were swooping in on to boost their ratings and ‘likes’ on Facebook. Ratings and Facebook ‘likes’ lead to extra revenue but any high moral media that opposes the current government to maintain their faithful viewers would never do that, this is America.

Look, there are valid reasons for the government to not allow transgendered people into the military. The list of reasons that you cannot join the military is longer than you’d think, and things like having an excessive overbite are on that list. The now transgendered people that served in the military that are speaking out against it were not transitioning into the other gender while they were in the military, they are only speaking out against it because of social justice points and to get money from CNN and Huffington Post.

I also want to add that the military is not in place as a means of social experimentation or proving your point. It is there to defend the people that live in the United States. Boycotting Chick-Fil-A because some CEO made his remarks on gay marriage known and expressing your need for EVERYONE to be treated equal by allowing anyone into the military are two different things. ISIS and other military factions do not give a shit about your “proving them wrong” social justice by your partaking in the military without meeting the guidelines, that bullshit does not belong in the defense of a nation. If you hate super machismo douche bags that go to bars with the intention of fighting scrawny pussies because they scare you then do yourself and the rest of the country a favor, send those machismo douche bags to the army while you stay at home.

It is not a right to join the military, it is not mandatory to join the military, and you don’t even want to join the military anyway. Stop jumping on everything and blowing it up to be something that it isn’t. The liberals and left wingers are completely fucking nuts and have jumped the ship and are swimming in retard waters, and the only complaint they’d make about his sentence is that I used the word ‘retard’.

PS: I voted for Hilary.

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The Housefly’s Fatwa on an American Man

Up until one and a half days ago, I have survived this sweaty summer with no air conditioning in my Builder’s Warehouse sized and themed apartment. I didn’t mind it either. My monthly utilities bills were nil, I drank more water, and the outdoorsy feeling of having all of my windows open was nice. According to my trusty atomic clock with a temperature gauge that I bought at a Sam’s Club in 2005, the average temp in my living room this summer was 86.5°, but I never believed that my clock was correct because it was a wet heat. But the air conditioner guy came along and fixed it and the current temperature is 71.2° and I’m not so sure that I like it, and now I have another problem on my hands that I’m being forced to deal with.

Anyway, are you old enough to remember those TV commercials that begged you to donate your money to starving people in Africa? Remember how they would show skeleton people living in mud huts and flies would land right on there face while they stared into the camera, and none of them would make any effort to shoo-shoo the fly away? These people would completely ignore a fly as it crawled across the full length of their face, nearly crawling into one of their eyes or their mouth. Now I’m only speaking from personal experience, there’s no scientific data here, but apparently a human’s lack of response to flies is directly correlated to the amount of heat that the human is living in. I say this because now that all of my windows are closed and the temperature of my surroundings is livable again, I am fully aware of the ridiculous amount of flies that are trapped inside of my apartment.

I know that these flies were buzzing around my apartment while my windows were open because they are flying around at increasingly slower speeds because they’re starving and low on energy, so they’ve been in here for some time and I just wasn’t noticing them. What’s worse is my discovery of flies having conscious thoughts because these flies obviously know that they are nearing death. They have now dedicated what few hours or single day that they have left of their lives to committing suicide in an effort to kill me.

It all began this morning around 9:00 AM. I was sipping my pre-workout of 20 ounces of cold coffee with two tablespoons of cacao powder and 15g of whey protein in it because the caffeine and theobromine will tune you in better than smoking a full bowl of crack and the lil’ nip of whey makes you buff as all shit. If your beanbag is big enough to drink a mixture like that then I hope you have a veterinarian on speed dial because your pythons are about to get SICK. So I’m sipping my poopy tasting pre-workout out of a shaker cup and I decide to take the lid off. I probably had maybe two sips of it and a fly lands directly in the middle of the liquid and it doesn’t even struggle, it just begins to sink. It was an obvious attempt at ending my life by an extremist fly. So my whole pre-workout concoction was ruined unless I chose to take the risk of disease or choking to death by drinking it anyway. No, I poured it down the sink and just had a plain ass cup of bitter black coffee instead.

I’m working out now and the coffee has got my blinkers blinking but not quite as well as my secret pre-workout mix that is so strong it can kill a dog would, and I’m not even joshing you about it being able to kill dogs. I don’t josh when it comes to joshes like that and I’m a notorious josher. Okay, so I’m doing some ass to grass squats to build my goddamn quads and bulk my gorilla squat ass and not one, but five flies take turns landing on my head. Two flies would land on my head every time I tried to squat while the other three perched themselves on the window curtain in wait. Then those two flies would leave my head and switch places with two other flies on the curtain, and the third fly was coaching the attack and would sometimes “get in there” to show the other four flies how it’s done. These flies obviously met up in my bathroom and coordinated an assault on my noodle. They probably read my little dry erase board with my workout routine on it and specifically chose to attack while I was performing the most difficult exercise, the godly squat.

An hour goes by and I’m done working out now and boy oh boy am I spent. I do drink a protein shake or two everyday, but not always. I’m doing the low carb thing so instead of a shake I decide to have a cheap hamburger patty with some whole milk greek yogurt mixed with chives and sriracha sauce on top; it’s odd but oddly delicious. So I open up my freezer and open the bag of hamburgers and a single “we love death as Israel loves life” Palestinian fly glides directly into my bag of burgers. It instantly freezes itself to the top hamburger patty, the very patty that I was about to reach for. I’m angry now but I just say “King Kong ain’t got shit on me!” and I cook it and eat it anyway.

Alright, so it’s a few hours later and I’m hungry again. I’m a short man with a tall appetite and I go back to my fridge to feed these freshly squatted quads and butt cheeks. I open the refrigerator door, I pull out my little vegetable crisper shelf to take out some radishes and lettuce, and what the fuck? Two flies swoop beneath my arm and successfully helicopter land directly onto my radishes. My fucking radishes. There are few things in this world that can tame the tummy better than a tasty radish and two jihadi houseflies buzzed “Almond Snackbar!” and land, they land on my fucking radishes. I’ve got money but I’m not ‘toss radishes in the dumpster’ rich, so I washed them and ate them anyway. With lettuce and a baby bowl of cottage cheese.

Then tonight when I’m getting ready for bed and typing this, and as I said I’m going low carb but that doesn’t include carbs that come with alcohol, so I’m pouring my little cup of vodka and water with a squirt of lime. I’m in my kitchen using a shot glass to measure the amount of vodka I put in because I don’t know why, that seems really stupid now that I’ve typed it out that I use a shot glass to measure my own vodka. I’m serving this drink made from my own vodka to myself and I’m still measuring it with a shot glass. Why? Anyway, I pour a shot glass of vodka and guess who stops by for a drink? That’s right, another “kill nonbelievers wherever you find them” fly. The little fucker doesn’t land in my slightly bigger baller glass but it lands directly in my teensy shot glass of vodka. This fly did it. This was the last fly that I was willing to handle today. So yeah, I didn’t pick out the fly or pour the shot of vodka down the drain. I poured the shot of vodka with the fly into my mouth and swallowed it. It was my proclamation of war. It was my way of taking it back. When I say “it” I mean my enormous lavish apartment.

The window curtain in my kitchen is covered in flies. There are two dead or nearly dead flies in my kitchen sink. There is a dead fly in my toilet. I know that they are starving because I take my trash out fairly often. My apartment doesn’t stink because it contains trash, it stinks because it contains me. These flies don’t belong here. Everything in this apartment was placed here by me and for me. My beliefs and actions made this apartment into the glorious shithole that it is, not these flies. I will protect this apartment from the jihadist flies and their ideology of death and regurgitating on food before they eat it. As God is my witness. Amen.