I Am a Computer Wizard

One million planet Earths can fit inside of our sun, and 9.3 billion of our suns could fit into the hypergiant star called VY Canis Majoris, and now there are even bigger stars that have been discovered. We’re not even specs of dust, we’re pieces of atoms pointlessly floating throughout an endless vacuum filled with an infinite amount of shit that could make all life that we know of extinct in an instant. Even if we master the art of space travel we must leave the Milky Way because it’s supposed to collide with Andromeda in 4 billion years, and if humans do leave the Milky Way I doubt there will be stories told of our dumb shit Facebook posts in other galaxies.

Being that we are random fleas on a dog’s ass and all that any of us will ever do will eventually be forgotten, you should embrace the things that give you joy. Joy is really just a chemical reaction in your brain’s reward system but that’s all we’ve got. If you like money, try to make a lot of money. If you like sex then perfect your ability of getting laid. If you like whatever else then yeah, do what you got to do to get that good feeling as long as you’re not physically injuring others. With all of that being said, my laptop brings me shitloads of joy.

I have heard stories passed down through generations or told in Tweets about somebody’s hard drive crashing, but I had never witnessed or experienced the phenomena in person. I remember when I was a kindergartner and my great grandfather sat me on his knee and told me the story of Earnest Hemingway’s death. He said that Hemingway had spent 25 years culminating his life’s adventures and works into one grand story that would have changed the literary world forever after. When Hemingway finished the story, and after spending hours reading over his finest work, feeling the joy of accomplishment while staring at his computer screen, he clicked on ‘Save’ and his hard drive crashed, erasing everything; and then Earnest took out his favorite shotgun and blew his brains out. I remember that I couldn’t fall asleep that night after hearing that story, and I prayed to the Spaghetti Monster that I never be punished with a crashed hard drive, and I wondered why my great grandpa would tell a story like that to a 5 year old.

Well low and behold, last week my hard drive crashed. Wikipedia says Hemingway died in 1961 and I would have thought that either Bill Gates or Steve Jobs would have improved their hard drives in the 54 years since his death, but apparently not. I wasn’t even looking at porn even though I probably had porn on at least one of the tabs that were open, because I’m a guy, but I was watching random Youtube videos at the time. I clicked on one and got the spinning wheel in the middle of my screen and an audible clicking sound from inside my computer. I turned it off and on again like every computer expert would recommend and got a solid white screen.

Luckily, I have an Ipad and an Iphone and an Internet. So I found all sorts of stuff I should do and I used a disk that came with the computer and ran a diagnostics thing on it and boom, it said the hard drive is poop. I got online with the Apple store because I’m not a computer programmer or a “gaymer” and I just want a computer that I can use as a computer and I don’t have to take a fucking Microsoft class to figure out how to print something with it. But the downside is how ridiculously expensive Apple stuff is. So a new hard drive and service and all that from Apple would be over $400 and there ain’t no way in hell I’m going to pay that. So I went into a full on self education crash course of how computers work. I learned terms like “motherboard” and “solid state drive” and “fedora” and “virginity” and I can basically build a computer myself now.

I found a website that is centered entirely on selling knockoffs and improved components for Apple products for dirt cheap. I ordered a 1 terabyte, 7200 RPM hard drive for my Macbook Pro for $72 that included free shipping, a 3 year warranty, a video on how to install it, and the gift of constantly receiving emails from them every god damn day. It took 10 minutes to unscrew all the little screwies and open up the computer and only 2 minutes to replace the hard drive. Then I spent 48 hours updating the operating system and trying to get all the programs and shit I had before but tried my best to do it without spending any money and I succeeded. Lordy bagordy it’s like a brand new and much better computer now! Everything I had saved on it is gone forever because I’m an idiot that has an external hard drive that I only use for editing videos, but now it has twice the memory, flash saving or something like that, my battery fully charges again and the replacement warning for it is gone, I can actually do the upgrades on my computer now, and I’m crying a little bit as I type this. I’m crying tears of joy because this computer brings so much happiness into my life. And now it’s back, my baby is back, everything I’ve written is erased but she’s back. And I am embracing it right now. And then I’m going to watch porn on it.