Pregnancy: Killing Boners and Paychecks For 4.54 Billion Years and Counting

After being reminded that I might not be able to graduate with a Theatre degree because I am unable to speak French because I most likely failed another French test today, I tried to cheer myself up by going to Wal-Mart, aka church. Well church only angered me more because they are no longer selling the omega-3 eggs that I practically live on. Because you do know that there is absolutely no difference between organic and non-organic eggs, right? There’s even more than one study proving this, as I’m sure you already know. The organic eggshells are just harder because they feed the chickens mealworms with their normal chicken food. But those omega-3 eggs, well, they throw some flaxseed down those chickens’ gullets and it makes the eggs that come out of their cloaca’s healthier for you and in my opinion more delicious. And yes, the egg comes out of the chicken’s cloaca and not their vagina. So don’t be grossed out by the thought of touching something that came out of a chicken’s vagina but do be grossed out by the fact that the hole it came out of quadruples as the chicken’s asshole, pee hole, fuck hole, and egg hatch. Chickens really are disgusting in an evolutionary sense and humans should feel proud to be murdering them on such a massive scale as well as celebrating our mornings by cracking open eggs and eating their unborn children with coffee and a smile.


Anyway, fucking Wal-Mart didn’t have my eggs. So I was picking up some of the instant raspberry green tea packets before going across the street to buy eggs at Hy-Vee, because Hy-Vee might have good eggs but their instant raspberry green tea tastes like poison in comparison to Wal-Mart’s. While I was in the ‘Drink Mix’ isle a lovely young woman wearing a pink tank top and skintight jean shorts which may have just been denim panties with pockets walked by. I looked at her face that was heavily decorated with cheap makeup and then instinctually looked directly at her ass, because I have a penis and my penis heavily influences my eye movements when I am in public or surfing the interwaves on my Macbook Hoe. This young lady noticed my quick glance at her ass and when I looked up again she was smiling at me. I wanted to tell her how inappropriate and naughty her clothes were and that she should go to my room and take them off immediately. I would have asked her for her name and number if I had any balls, and if her parents weren’t standing next to her and she wasn’t 12 years old.


Seriously, what kind of parents, what kind of a society allows their kids to dress like that? I’ve heard the whole feminist thing and I do know that no woman is asking to be raped based on their choice of clothing, but some girls really are asking for “it”. And by “it” I mean “pelvis shattering intercourse”. You wear certain clothes based upon the type of attention that you’re trying to attract, and to which parts of your body that you are trying to draw others’ attention. I don’t believe that all girls are whores but it’s pretty easy to identify the ones that are when they’re wearing a tight tank top and what I would call a jean-string. If you don’t consider clothing as being a form of communicating your personality and opinions then put a swastika on your shirt and eat lunch at a Church’s Chicken. I’m sure you’ll have an enjoyable afternoon of laughing and peacefully discussing the nonsense of judging others by their clothing as you and your fellow patrons share a bucket of that repulsive animal known as the chicken.


This is why I often tell my friends that if I should ever have a daughter, I will name her Pregnant. I hate to inform women that pregnancy not only kills a man’s bank account, but being on the nest is a notorious boner killer as well. So even if my future daughter is the most amazing piece of jailbait, even if she looks like the daughter of Jennifer Lawrence and Kim Kardashian, even if she has her own show on the Disney channel; no man will continue talking to her after she introduces herself as, “Hello, I’m Pregnant.” Even if she does get a date the boy that’s taking her out will have to tell his parents that he’s “taking that Pregnant girl to the prom”, and no responsible parent will let that shit fly.


Some friends tell me that she would become a lesbian out of necessity because women would be more understanding of her name. I’m all right with that because I have viewed the entire internet movie library on xhamster and I must say that the girl on girl films are much more delicate and dare I say passionate than the man on girl movies. Some say that my daughter would probably commit suicide. I hope that doesn’t happen because then I would have to ground her for life because I would never let my daughter date a necrophiliac, let alone a necrophiliac that chases preggers. I’ve also seen the necrophilia pregnant jailbait movies on xhamster and there is no way in hell that any daughter of mine is getting wrapped up in something that kinky and downright amazing. Guys would be trying to hook up with her left and right if she gets involved with that shit and I couldn’t blame them for trying.