Boy, am I pooped. I drove my exercycle around my living room for 45 minutes, went on an angry power walk, and then took another cruise into the sunset on my exercycle. I’m not even fat, in fact I’ve been called a ‘ripped bro’ by my fraternity brothers that live in the quads with me, but I’m trying to get even leaner and lighter because of my fussy back and for the additional sex appeal. And I am getting slimmer because it is known human biology that if less energy is introduced into the body then the body will rely on its own stored energy to make up for the loss, and this happens regardless of whatever words are being unintelligently spewed from that human body’s mouth, like the phrases “I barely eat anything!” or “muh genetics!”

 

Okay, so the improperly named grapefruit is one of my favorite fruits and I’ve been going apeshit on them this summer, and I went to buy more of them before dropping by Dr. Bill’s office to pick up my liquor prescription. With all of the gorgeous fruits and vegetables in the HIV’s produce section, their grapefruits are rather overpriced and shitty, so I went to Wal-Mart instead. So I grab two bags of grapefruit at Wal-Mart, totally uneventful, and I’m standing in the self checkout line because I always use self checkout when it’s available. While standing in line these two girls that looked to be in their late teens to early twenties got into line behind me.

 

Height wise I am somewhere between 5 foot 7 inches and 6 foot 3; I’m not sure because I haven’t measured my height in years. Both of these girls behind me were about the same height as me and they were both talking about how they can’t stand short guys. I didn’t really care what they were talking about because I wouldn’t have sex with either one of these girls unless there was money involved, and unlike tall people I can say that I’ve been short my entire life, so I came to terms with it half a lifetime ago. Then one of the girls taps me on the shoulder and asks, “By the way, how tall are you?” And then they giggled amongst themselves for a second. Then she says, “I’m just screwing with you, don’t worry.” I smiled and turned back around.

 

I wasn’t offended because I lack enough autism to know when someone is joking and when someone is trying to piss me off, and she was just joking, maybe even flirting a little judging by how close she was getting to me. This girl was most likely 15 or more years younger than me and outweighed me by at least 50 pounds and she was buying boxes of macaroni and a 2 liter bottle of Dr. Pepper. So I stood there with my back towards them for a couple of minutes and then I turned around and shattered her world with 5 words. I didn’t even make a comment, I asked her a question. I said, “How much do you weigh?”

 

You would have thought that I had just pulled out a gun and shot and killed her cheeseburger right in front of her. Both her and her friend’s jaws dropped in obvious emotional distress.

 

Fat Butt: “Um, excuse me, but what the fuck did you just say?”

 

Me: “I kindly asked how much you weigh? What’s the problem?”

 

Fat Butt’s Stupid Friend: “That is none of your fucking business, asshole.”

 

Me: “You asked me how tall I am. I thought we were getting to know each

other here, what’s your deal?”

 

(A self-checkout counter or whatever you call it opens up in front of us)

 

Fat Butt: “Shut the fuck up and buy your fruit, dick.”

 

Me: “No, we’re becoming friends here and I’m a gentleman. Ladies

first.”

 

Fat Butt: “Whatever.”

 

(Fat Butt and Fat Butt’s Stupid Friend waddle to the self-checkout counter or whatever you call it and buy the garbage that they’ll manage to finish eating before they get home even though it’s supposed to be microwaved first)

 

All right, so how weak and insecure are you if someone asking you a question about something that is visually obvious can offend you? And how “proud” of that visual thing are you if you are offended when somebody asks about it? This is why I just can’t buy into this whole big is beautiful crap. And it’s a kick in the tits to the whole feminism thing too. Women are strong and should legally have all of the same opportunities as men, and they do by the way, but if they make a rude comment or physically assault a man then he has no right to retort or hit back because women are too fragile to fight a man and they’re too stupid to know that insults are normally met with insults.

 

And the being fat thing. It’s what fucking ever. Nobody really cares if you are over weight; it’s the obviously obese people that are growing in size and numbers that has everyone up in arms. And just because you gave up on losing weight doesn’t mean that you can protect your feelings and ailing health by demanding that nobody is allowed to use words like “fat” and “obese” to describe you and then top it all off by saying, “I’m not fat. I’m beautiful!!” Lies do not become truths by saying them louder.

 

Unlike height, weight isn’t entirely genetic either. Some people are inclined to be a little bigger than others but your body does not make itself out of nothing. It’s made from whatever you put into it and whatever you work out of it. If you are a fat ass that tells people that you barely eat anything, I want you to stop eating all together. You already hardly eat anything so eating nothing won’t require much of a change in your diet. You have proven science wrong by getting larger without excess calories and that starvation is still a hypothesis and not a scientific fact. Unfortunately you’ll continue to get fatter because your body defies all logic but just think of all the money you’ll save because you don’t require food to live.

 

I am an adult and I know that it is mean and unfair to pick on any minority within a population because of basic math. Fat people are now the majority in this country and I am tired of being oppressed by them. So for any fat person to openly disagree and destroy any debate that is offered by a person afflicted with less body mass they are using their majority status to silence the words of the minority. Stop throwing your weight around to abuse the less fortunate that will be paying for your dialysis and orthopedic shoes when you are unable to work due to your beautifully large body. Because big is so beautiful that it’s deadly.