Today is Ash Wednesday, which signals the beginning of the Season of Lent. According to the gospels of Matt, Mark, and me; Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of the 40 days that Jayheebus Skywalker spent in the desert fasting as a means of refusing the temptations from the Sith Lord Satan. The Season of Lent is 40 days in which followers of Jeezybuzz Skywalker are supposed to fast and abstain from sex, but nowadays they just pick something stupid to give up for awhile. In the end, Darth Satan always wins because after Easter everyone goes right back to doing the shit that they gave up, and apparently they’re allowed to indulge or “feast” on Sunday’s without being reprimanded by Jaybizzle’s saber. Starving for 40 days without dying, hating The Temptations, thanking Jeebus by not sexing other peoples… sounds like a crock of shit to me.

 

So to celebrate this time of Lent I will be giving up all forms of pornography. I am not giving up sex or masturbation for 40 days because that’s insane and I’m not even Catholic in the first place. The sex part will be easy because I have unintentionally given up on sex for quite some time now, but if I give up bating for 40 days then it is likely that I will be in prison for rape and/or murder within the first 48 hours. Metaphorically speaking I am a gambler and I enjoy shuffling the deck multiple times per day, it keeps me mentally stable and gives me a daily schedule to follow. I’m not even going to indulge on Sundays by diving into lobstertube or nudevista; I am going cold turkey. I told my fellow scholars in the lounging hall that I would bathe myself in filmed and photographed images of vulgar intercourse with every known and unknown human opening and exit until 4:00 PM today, but no. I am beginning my journey of internet, video, and pictorial abstinence immediately. [command] + [shift] + [P], that is how you activate “private browsing” mode on Firefox. I am also efficient in the use of proxies for anonymous internet viewing. It’s sad to know that my knowledge of scraping the scum off of the very bottom of the internet’s sexual bucket without leaving a trace of my travels will be useless until Easter.

 

I imagine that I will be a changed man at the end of this journey. I am already fasting because I am shying away from bear-mode and am easing myself into otter-mode by lifting lighter weights with higher reps, frequent cardio, and of course eating less. So the fasting part of Lent won’t be a problem for me. Starving myself of porn will give me much more time for exploration in other facets of fun and self-discovery. I am writing a script and now I will have more time and focus to do so. I will exercise more, thus speeding my progress into being thin and oh so sexy ripped. I’m talking about having abs and cum gutters and all that shit. I will discover strange fetishes that lie deep within my subconscious as I try to come up with new interrogation tactics while “beating the suspect”. Maybe I will win my first Oscar or be nominated for a Pulitzer Prize. Maybe I will meet the woman of my dreams. Maybe I will become a billionaire by inventing something amazing, or maybe I will become a sadistic serial killer due to my lack of a sexual output. But more than likely, I will end up being grumpy and owning an Xbox.