Thursday, January 1st, 2015
I am spending what I plan to be my last college Christmas break in Denver Colorado at my older brother’s house. For some strange reason I got into bed around 11:00PM and fell asleep around 12:30, completely sober, on New Years Eve. At 8 in the morning my nephew that is just shy of being 4 years old jumps into my bed and begins intermittently hugging me and kicking me in the face while telling me that he’s going to Nebraska today. But I know that he isn’t going to Nebraska, he’s going to Brazil, and he’s just confused because he’s been driven to Kearney Nebraska, back to Denver, and now he is going to fly to Brazil within the span of 4 days.
8:30AM – 11:30AM:
My sister-in-law and my nephew are going to Brazil for the next 3 weeks and my brother and I are helping them do some last minute packing. Their flight leaves at 2:00PM. I mostly spend this time wrestling with my nephew and watching Katy Perry videos on Chromecast with him. He is only 3 and has an enormous crush on Katy Perry. He’s as wild as any 3-year-old but the moment she appears on the screen he sinks down into the couch and stares at her, and randomly blurts out, “Sh-she-she’s bootiful Unca Luke.” He is now saying the same thing about Lorde after I’ve shown him some of her videos. After eating 2 eggs for breakfast with a lot of coffee and skipping lunch we drive to the airport. For some reason I-25 was closed and we had to take a detour that nearly doubled our drive to the airport, but that’s another story.
My sister-in-law and nephew have successfully been transported to the airport, passed through TSA, and have boarded their plane to Miami International Airport. My brother and I waste no time in becoming lazy piece of shit bachelors and we find the nearest marijuana dispensary on the way home. Pot has been legal in Colorado since 2012, and although I lived in Denver for what, like five, maybe six years, I have never bought weed in a legal dispensary here in Colorado.
So we pull into the parking lot of a strip mall and park in front of a dispensary called, “The Green Solution”. We enter through a thick glass door into a small white room. A girl that is attractive in that nerdy yet kind of cool looking way is sitting at a lone desk with a computer on it, and she looks awkwardly happy to see us.
“Hello. How are you gentlemen today?”
“Oh, not much.”
“I need to see your driver’s licenses, thank you.”
We pull out our ID’s like fucking bosses and hand them over; in my mind I flicked it like a cigarette at her forehead.
A security guard that I could probably kick the shit out of enters the room through the specially locked door in the wall, as some sketchy tobacco smoker enters from the parking lot.
“I see you’re from Nebraska. Are you visiting or recently moved here?”
“I’m visiting. I’ve heard fairy tales about this state and I’m here to see if they are true.”
Grinning, she says, “Open the door when you hear a click.”
We walk to the door and wait for a click sound.
We try to open it… it won’t open.
“Did you hear a click?”
“No, I just thought…”
I try to open the door… no success.
I pull the door handle twice, really fast, and it fucks something up. I’m too anxious to get my grubby paws on all that fantastic weed.
“Okay sir, just wait until you hear the click and then open the door as you would normally open a door.”
So now she’s talking to me like I ate an extra chromosome for breakfast.
I calmly turn the handle and the great white door in the wall opens.
I enter what is best described as the Apple Store of Marijuana. It is a dark but spotless room with lighted glass counters and cases full of THC treats and tonics and tinctures and nerdy marijuana technicians describing these various technical advances to dorky men with bony arms and little beer guts in random lines throughout the store.
I am not a newby when it comes to using the poisonous narcotic known as marijuana. I admit that I’m not a regular player of the joint and vape game but I’ve been known to play a few rounds of puff-puff-pass when challenged by Skyrim and League of Legends champions, so I skip the familiar strains and waxes and walk directly to the majestic counter of marijuana edibles.
The edibles counter is full of delicious looking chocolates and candies. These wonderful Wonka candies would be tempting even if they weren’t loaded with THC. The employed marijuana addict behind the counter comes over to help me and the first thing out of his mouth is, “If you’re a beginner or light user you do not want to go with the edibles.”
In my mind I reply, “Pfft, nigger please. You don’t know my past and procedure.”
But with my mouth I say, “Oh, I’ve been smoking off and on for over half my life now.”
This is partially true because I first tried pot in my early teens, but I never got into the habit of smoking it consistently for longer than a few weeks at a time. I’m a binge smoker at best. I’m just not a fan of smoking stuff. If you die in a fire it’s most likely due to smoke inhalation and it’s considered a horrible way to die. And then for fun and recreation, some people burn stuff and inhale the smoke and that shit just doesn’t make sense to me. It makes me cough and short of breath and I just don’t like to party like that.
Anyway, my brother is hanging over my shoulder, hoping that I buy some of the candies, and of course I do. I buy one dozen of the Sour Strawberry Gummy Rings with 10mg of THC for $2.45 a piece.
The working weed fiend that warned me not to buy the edibles gives me one last bit of advice, “Only eat half of a gummy ring to begin with, and if you can handle it, go ahead and eat the other half a few hours later.”
The very second I get into the car, I unlock the super special child and midget fingered protected legal marijuana bag and take out one of the single condom looking packages that contains a gummy ring. I tear it open and eat half of the ring. It’s so delicious, I mean, it tastes like candy for Christ’s sake. My brother and I make small talk and drive back to his place. I can already feel a slight effect from the magic candy and as we near his house I look at the other half of the gummy ring and think, #YOLO, and then I eat the other half.
I’ve hardly eaten anything today, just eggs and coffee and weed candy, and now I’m drinking a beer. I’m sitting on my brother’s couch and we’re talking about I don’t even know. He’s repeatedly hitting the bong that he just bought and I’m getting giggly due to the weed candy gradually kicking in. And then, it happens.
Holy fucking shit I have never been this high in my entire life! The Sour Strawberry Gummy Ring hits me immediately, and it hits me hard. Everything between my nose and my knees goes completely numb and I fall over on the couch in absolute shock of how instantly high I am.
2:02PM – 2:30 PM
To say that I am mentally lost in a parallel universe of unanswered questions and extreme panic would be a huge understatement. I am freaking the fuck out. I go into the classic case of checking my heartbeat and wondering if I’m still breathing even though I’m talking. Nothing makes sense. I want this shit to stop.
My brother is trying to talk me down by telling me things like, “just go with it” and trying to shift my focus.
“I know what you’re trying to do!” I shout back in accusation.
I can’t trust anybody when I’m eating these fucking candies.
2:31PM – 3:00PM
This is possibly the longest 29 minutes of my life. My brother has disappeared and I can hear him laughing at the TV downstairs. I spend this time walking around and staring at the legs that I am unable to feel. Not going into history but I’ve had some prolonged paralysis on the entire left side of my body and I managed to get it working again, and now whenever I lose feeling in any part of my body it throws me into instant fear. It’s the reason I hate taking any kind of painkillers. And you know, you’ll never hear a story about a person dying because they didn’t have enough painkillers in them, it’s always the opposite.
People say that pot helps you think deeper and come up with new ideas, but I feel like a one-armed Wal-Mart shopper with a Rubik’s Cube. I just can’t function on this bullshit. Finally, I’ve just had it with this Sour Strawberry Gummy Ring and I crawl into the guest bed and hope for the best. I enjoy that I am able to once again feel my back once it’s pressed against the mattress.
3:01PM – 4:00PM
Take a recess from my nightmare through the majesty of sleep.
4:01PM – 5:00PM
I wake up after sleeping for what feels like days. I snap out of a pleasant dream and open my eyes to a world where I am even higher than I was in the nightmarish situation that I tried to escape through sleep. I’m really really fucking high. I’m able to hold onto an intelligent thought long enough to get myself to the kitchen. I figure if I eat lots of food and drink lots of water then this bullshit will get out of my system faster.
I start with my nephew’s Trader Joe’s Fruity O’s cereal. I eat the whole box in less than 6 minutes. I move on to some salami stuff in the fridge, gone. I scramble some eggs and then wonder where they went. My brother comes upstairs and makes a pizza; I don’t think he even got a slice. I’m eating Chex mix and Christmas cookies throughout this entire kitchen event as well.
5:01PM – 10:00PM
We go to a bar and spend $50 on just appetizers.
Then we go to another bar and I spend another $20 on food.
I also get fairly drunk during this time.
10:30PM – 1:00AM
This shit just isn’t wearing off. I realize that the only thing that is calming me down is alcohol, so I’m drinking expensive Bulleit and Woodford Reserve whiskey by the bottle. Long story short, I finally drink myself to sleep on the couch but wakeup with zero hangover.
I’m done with weed. I’ve never been a fan of smoking it because it makes my lungs feel all screwy and now I’m deathly afraid of eating it. I don’t know, I guess I don’t mind bongs and vaporizers but still, marijuana is an evil plant put on this Earth to make people frightened and lazy. If there’s a drug that was invented by the Illuminati it’s weed. It makes you watch their TV shows, play their video games, and eat all of their shitty food. And stay away from strawberry candy, it can’t be trusted.