I was in Denver for a full week signing autographs and overlooking the construction of my HAARP funded ionospheric electron stimulator that generates a 12 megahertz frequency band using only a 3.2 megawatt signal. I originally made it out of a blue Linksys wireless router that I hadn’t used since Myspace and a pair of Dr. Scholl’s Memory Fit Massaging Gel insoles for the purpose of getting rid of some wrinkles on my face, but if you see me in person you will understand that the machine was far too powerful at turning back the clock on my appearance. So now the machine is being built bigger and will be used to weaponize the weather.

Anyway, most people wouldn’t know it but I have a history of anxiety and occasional panic attacks, just like the 95% of single women that tell you about how they are braving their anxiety problems everyday on FaceBook. For whatever reason my panicking bullshit came back in spades while I was in Denver. Decades ago I conked my bonkers in a car foul up and it resulted in me having some mental issues, physical problems too but mostly just shit in my head. One of those problems is panic attacks that leave me zero fucking clues as to what causes them, or at least what causes most of them. For years they would knock the wind out of me and make my mind go crazy every time that I was in a car, either driving or sitting while someone else was driving or even when the car wasn’t moving. Everyone else in the car would be having a sensible chuckle talking about Ren Stevens buying the $4,000 pair of lizard skin pants with the money that Louis gave to her to guard and I would be sweating bullets and losing my shit and silently struggling for survival within my own head. That’s what it’s like. Somebody will be sitting in the passenger seat while I am driving, looking out the window and relaxing as they watch the passing corn fields and construction cones, but what they fail to see is that I am driving 500mph on the interstate weaving around cars and doing everything to stay on the road and Jesus H Christ I am having a heart attack holy shit now I can’t breath this is it we are going to die! It’s just a massive mental and physical freak out with no obvious cause.

Well I went to a shrink to help get rid of my car anxiety and it definitely helped, but it isn’t entirely gone. If you ever see me sitting in a car you might notice that I never seem to be all that comfortable. I have found that certain foods tend to aggravate my anxiety too. I avoid eating grains, mostly wheat, because within an hour I get this pain at the top of my stomach that makes it hard for me to breath and sometimes I feel a little pukey. I feel really on edge with a pissed off attitude when I’m eating stuff like bread for days at a time and it takes about a week for it to go away after I stop eating it. So avoiding certain foods helps but some of the anxiety bullshit still goes on.

As far as finding the other causes of anxiety, I am a Freudian when it comes to human behavior. I have a firm belief in the existence of the conscious and unconscious mind. The conscious mind is the part of your brain that allows you to think and choose your actions and the unconscious mind is the part that stores feelings and desires and influences your conscious mind without your consent. It’s like if a guy pulled a gun on you and told you to give him your iPhone. Your conscious mind would be saying “well just give him the fucking iPhone so he goes away” but your unconscious mind would turn you into Superman and you would feel your muscles pump up with blood and adrenaline and you would use that newfound potential strength to throw your shoe at him and run away screaming like a kicked puppy. You control the conscious but the the unconscious controls you.

So anxiety and panic attacks are under the control of your unconscious mind. You cannot choose to be scared or anxious, it’s just a natural reaction to something around you. People that see you being anxious or having a panic attack and tell you to “just relax” or to “stop thinking so much” are dipshits that you should ignore. I can’t relax because for some unknown reason I feel like I am about to die, and I can’t stop thinking so much because if I think about not thinking then I am doing even more thinking than I would if I weren’t thinking about not thinking on top of the thinking that I am already thinking. You cannot escape thinking unless you are in a coma and I gave that up in high school.

Here’s what it is. Your unconscious mind is causing panic attacks because it is trying to make your conscious mind aware of something that you are doing regularly and you know deep down that you should stop doing it, or there is something that you should be doing but you are avoiding it. There is the possible PTSD factor where your brain has recorded something, like being in a car in my case, and then placed that recording into the “holy shit this is bad” part of your brain. You probably need therapy for that. But no matter what the reason is the only way to get rid of the anxiety is to find the problem and face it. You shouldn’t try to ignore your anxiety or treat it with prescription drugs or weed or alcohol. Alcohol helps, it helps a lot actually. In fact it’s a downright cure for anxiety that takes effect almost immediately, but it doesn’t resolve the issue and makes it worse over time. The only way to get rid of anxiety and panic attacks is to take note of them and figure out what is at the root of the cause. Then you have to face that. Once you face it you can either try to accept it or fix it but fixing it is the best option.

I have acknowledged my anxiety problems and I am now facing them and taking action. I am taking immediate action. Now is the time to push my life in the direction that I have always wanted it to go. Today alone I bought $1600 worth of clown face paint and my new pre-built aluminum shed and neodymium fishing magnet with 1146 lbs of pulling force are scheduled to arrive in the mail next Wednesday. After that I just need to figure out where I can find Mac and Me on VHS and buy a couple bottles of hydrogen peroxide, and then I will have all of the necessary materials to build my dreams with. I am also writing everyday again.

I am confronting my panic attacks and deepest fears because I will no longer be a pussy that’s getting blacked.com’d by my unconscious mind. I am confronting the cucking black bull that is harpooning my life without my consent. What do you need to confront so you too can stop being such a panicking little bitch? You gonna cry little bitch? Yeah, that’s what I thought.