I have trouble getting an erection because I drink too much. Or maybe I drink too much because I have trouble getting an erection. But more than likely it’s because I watch way too much porn… everyday… several times a day. If there is a hell, then Satan is waiting for me to die so I can go down there and show him the best porn websites because I know all of them. I know the address to porn sites that haven’t even been created yet. I know sexual moves too perverse to be invented.

So I saw the movie “Don Jon” during Christmas break and aside from having a nice apartment and getting actual sex every week like my bro-crush Joseph Gordon-Levitt does in the movie, that film is a documentary about my life. I wake up, I look at porn, I workout, then I eat, while looking at porn, I go to class, somebody has a smartphone, and I show them porn on it, I go home, I look at porn, I workout, I look at porn, I go to my bathroom, I shower in porn, I brush my teeth in the shower—with porn, I porn my porn—with porn, I pop some porn in my popporn bowl, then I porn the porn with a porn full of porn until I porn my porn with porn, then I go to bed, and dream of porn.

I bring up the subject of pornography because right now I am watching the 2013 Adult Video News awards on some shitty movie channel that I will regret buying when I get my bill this month, and in front of me is my laptop, and on my laptop is porn. I’m not even burping the worm right now while I watch it; I’m just looking at porn because I can. Seriously, I am 105% flaccid right now and just swimming in porn because this is fucking ‘Murica and ma freedoms allow me to do so. My mind is growing and shaping itself within the confines of constant pornography and that can’t be good for me.

So the Adult Video News awards, or AVN awards, are the Oscars of the porn industry. Part of the reason that I am watching them on TV right now is because I have been to the AVN awards and it is bringing back fond memories. I have rubbed elbows and hangdowns with some of these porn stars and there is a myth about porn stars that I would like to end once and for all. People watch porno movies and interviews with porn stars that talk like preadolescent sailors and viewers make the assumption that these people are idiots. Well, I have been fortunate enough to converse with a few of these cock-socket contortionists and anal acrobats and I am able to make sound judgment on their cranial contents. I have sipped a gin and tonic with Sara Jay and Lisa Sparxxx, I had a hearty breakfast comprised of vodka and OJ with the MILF Hunter, and when I told Ron Jeremy that he looked exactly like my dad and he asked me what my father’s name was and I told him, Ron. What I would like to dispel about this myth of porn stars being foul-mouthed degenerates is that– now let me remind you that I have the highest respect for these individuals and my penis believes them to be gods–but yes, porn stars are fucking retarded. Porn stars are mental midgets crawling and philandering at the feet of such geniuses that have IQ’s high enough to eat pudding with a spoon.

But that’s just whatever. I want to talk about the movie “Don Jon” and how much it relates to my own life. I watch porn multiple times a day. I think about porn throughout the day. I have sexual preferences based on crazy shit that I have seen in porn. I have been in the midst of sexual activity with a real life woman and thought, gee, I would much rather be in my cheap Walmart wannabe Lazy Boy watching porn and roping the pony right now. That’s pretty fucked up. I remember the good ol’ days when finding a nudey-mag or scoring a porno tape from a friend would be considered one of the top 3 greatest events of that year, but now porn is at my finger tips at all times of the day. I remember putting “Married with Children” on mute so I could increase the surface temperature of my ship’s main cannon with rapid linear motion so my parents wouldn’t open the door to see why Kelly Bundy was talking about being a slut. Nowadays the internet is everywhere and all day long I feel like a Muslim extremist in a dynamite store. I have porn whenever I want it and being a man, I want it all the time.

What I have realized is that if I ever want to go on and live a moderately normal life then I have to stop living in a pornography fantasy where I have a ten inch penis, AIDS does not exist, all women love receiving anal sex, and that if I pee on a nude grandmother/mother/ daughter/ dog quadrangle they will simultaneously quiver with queefs as they gargle on my dong dew. Instead, I have to make these porn fantasies my reality. I will no longer watch porn movies while fantasizing about being elbow deep in a busty police woman’s anus, I will make that scenario a reality. I will only canoodle with ladies that like it in the can, I will only partake in multiracial multi-partnered cuckold romps, I will say “Yes tranny may I have another” whenever my naughty nurse slaps me in the face with a Twisted Fister rubber ankle, and yes, my only desert from now on will be a cream pie. I am starting anew. I will stop watching porn day in and day out. From now on, I shall live it.