It’s Not the Breed it’s the Owner!!!

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In an attempt to be a little more streamlined than tank-like, I am lifting half of the amount of weight that I normally lift and working out every day. The plan has backfired. I am looking more Hulk mode than before and have found myself strung out on protein shakes again. I haven’t taken a hit from the shaker bottle since 2015, but after finding a delicious whey isolate protein powder that fills the void in both my diet and emotional needs, it makes me wonder how I ever had the willpower to quit.

Apparently Walmart has really upped their game when it comes to supplements and protein powders since I shook the whey monkey off my back, because they have some really good stuff now. I found myself standing in front of the many bodybuilding proton containers at Walmart, reading every label because if you ever go grocery shopping with me you should know that going grocery shopping with me is the only thing you will get done that day, because I read every label and internally debate every food item I buy, except eggs.

While I’m reading the bodybuilding proton container labels two young white men that were culturally appropriating inner city gangster rap culture in both their clothing and manner of speech began to look at the supplements next to me.

The first thing out of one of their mouths to the other, “Yo, it’s not the breed though, it’s the owner.”

Oh holy shit. I knew immediately that he was a pit bull apologist. I cannot stand pit bull apologists. The moment I see a person walking a pit bull or they tell me that they own a pit bull I instantly question their intelligence. Pit bulls are hell demons with heads evolutionarily made to eat other creature’s heads with. And that’s what they do, they actually attack your neck and your head.

So these two privileged white boys speaking with basketball accents continue their discussion of how pit bulls are loving dogs that lost their angel wings, and that if you show the dog who’s boss then it will be obedient and never harm a soul. I know lots of random information because my brain prefers to fill itself with useless bullshit instead of making me into a wealthy genius doctor. One of those random bits of useless bullshit is that pit bulls are only 11% of dogs in America and yet they’re responsible for over 50% of all dog attacks and are also the dog attacks that are most likely to be fatal.

So I told them, “You know, pit bulls are only 5% of the dog population but they commit 75% of all dog attacks, and 90% of those attacks are fatal.”

“For real?”, said one white male.

“Yup. My sister works at a dog shelter. They won’t even accept pit bulls because they’re so dangerous to the other dogs and the workers.”

Look, I don’t have a sister. But I do know a girl that I haven’t talked to in over a decade that may work at or did work at an animal shelter at one time but I’m not sure. And any friend that close to me is like family. She has never given me her stance on pit bulls but her and I can pretty much read each other’s thoughts, so I know she hates pit bulls. A lot.

“Still though. You can train a dog not to bite. It’s the owner’s fault.”, the white male said in his best Eminem voice.

I didn’t say anything back to them. I bought my $49.99 protein and left. But there was an uproarious debate about pit bulls between me and my jug of protein powder on the car ride home.

Dymatize Whey Isolate: “Yo, it’s not the breed though, it’s the owner.”

Me: “Dymatize. Have you ever heard of a sheep dog?”

Dymatize Whey Isolate: “Yes.”

Me: “Why do they call it a sheep dog?”

Dymatize Whey Isolate: “Because they herd sheep.”

Me: “Shit, you’re right. They’ve been bred to herd sheep so they just naturally herd sheep. Now Dymatize, have you ever heard of a Golden Retriever? Now why do you think they have the word ‘retriever’ in their name?”

Dymatize Whey Isolate: “I’m not liking your snarky attitude but I’d imagine it’s cuz they probably grab stuff and bring it to you.”

Me: Oh Dymatize I think you’re starting to catch on! Dogs are bred to do certain tasks. And some of those dogs even have what they were bred for in their name. It’s why certain breeds of dogs are used for hunting or protection. Because they have been bred for specific purposes. Now, why would they call a breed of dog a PIT BULL?”

Dymatize Whey Isolate: “Ease up on your tone son. And there’s a wrench in the trunk you can use to adjust your dickhead attitude with. But I dunno, maybe pit bulls were used to fight each other or other animals for sport, like in a pit or something.”

Me: “It’s like you know what I’m thinking Dymatize. But yes, you’re correct. And is it just a coincidence that practically all pit bull maulings happen with the dog taking the victim to the ground and then attacking their face and their neck to kill them? Do you think that maybe they were bred to do that or do you think the owners of all disobedient pit bulls taught them to attack that way?”

Dymatize Whey Isolate: “You know, you’ve made some pretty good points about dog breeds and why you should avoid buying a pit bull. How about you slip into your bathrobe while I make you an ice cold protein shake. We can watch a movie or some porn together.”

I know that pit bulls are a generalized term for a mixed breed of dogs but they were bred for fucking up other animals. It’s what they were made to do and denying that makes you an idiot. And when I Googled ‘pit bulls’ the first thing that popped up was that just the other day some lady was mauled to death by her pet pit bull that she had raised since it was a pup after her husband stepped out of the house for 15 minutes. Dogs operate according to the behaviors that they were bred for. I would imagine that if you only allowed sociopaths to breed with each other you would eventually end up with an entire race of Mark Zuckerbergs. It’s the same reason that there should be a law against redheads being allowed to marry each other.

In short, don’t buy a pit bull. I don’t care that you’ve never been bitten by one or you knew a really nice pit bull when you were a kid. The bastards are dangerous. Not every zoo that has lions has had somebody attacked by one of their lions, but it does happen. But the zoos that will never have a lion attack are the zoos that don’t have any lions. I should have said that to Dymatize.

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W-Wait! Wait! Stop! Listen to me! D-don’t don’t!

W-Wait-Wait! Listen to me! Stop! Stop!

I was in Denver for a full week signing autographs and overlooking the construction of my HAARP funded ionospheric electron stimulator that generates a 12 megahertz frequency band using only a 3.2 megawatt signal. I originally made it out of a blue Linksys wireless router that I hadn’t used since Myspace and a pair of Dr. Scholl’s Memory Fit Massaging Gel insoles for the purpose of getting rid of some wrinkles on my face, but if you see me in person you will understand that the machine was far too powerful at turning back the clock on my appearance. So now the machine is being built bigger and will be used to weaponize the weather.

Anyway, most people wouldn’t know it but I have a history of anxiety and occasional panic attacks, just like the 95% of single women that tell you about how they are braving their anxiety problems everyday on FaceBook. For whatever reason my panicking bullshit came back in spades while I was in Denver. Decades ago I conked my bonkers in a car foul up and it resulted in me having some mental issues, physical problems too but mostly just shit in my head. One of those problems is panic attacks that leave me zero fucking clues as to what causes them, or at least what causes most of them. For years they would knock the wind out of me and make my mind go crazy every time that I was in a car, either driving or sitting while someone else was driving or even when the car wasn’t moving. Everyone else in the car would be having a sensible chuckle talking about Ren Stevens buying the $4,000 pair of lizard skin pants with the money that Louis gave to her to guard and I would be sweating bullets and losing my shit and silently struggling for survival within my own head. That’s what it’s like. Somebody will be sitting in the passenger seat while I am driving, looking out the window and relaxing as they watch the passing corn fields and construction cones, but what they fail to see is that I am driving 500mph on the interstate weaving around cars and doing everything to stay on the road and Jesus H Christ I am having a heart attack holy shit now I can’t breath this is it we are going to die! It’s just a massive mental and physical freak out with no obvious cause.

Well I went to a shrink to help get rid of my car anxiety and it definitely helped, but it isn’t entirely gone. If you ever see me sitting in a car you might notice that I never seem to be all that comfortable. I have found that certain foods tend to aggravate my anxiety too. I avoid eating grains, mostly wheat, because within an hour I get this pain at the top of my stomach that makes it hard for me to breath and sometimes I feel a little pukey. I feel really on edge with a pissed off attitude when I’m eating stuff like bread for days at a time and it takes about a week for it to go away after I stop eating it. So avoiding certain foods helps but some of the anxiety bullshit still goes on.

As far as finding the other causes of anxiety, I am a Freudian when it comes to human behavior. I have a firm belief in the existence of the conscious and unconscious mind. The conscious mind is the part of your brain that allows you to think and choose your actions and the unconscious mind is the part that stores feelings and desires and influences your conscious mind without your consent. It’s like if a guy pulled a gun on you and told you to give him your iPhone. Your conscious mind would be saying “well just give him the fucking iPhone so he goes away” but your unconscious mind would turn you into Superman and you would feel your muscles pump up with blood and adrenaline and you would use that newfound potential strength to throw your shoe at him and run away screaming like a kicked puppy. You control the conscious but the the unconscious controls you.

So anxiety and panic attacks are under the control of your unconscious mind. You cannot choose to be scared or anxious, it’s just a natural reaction to something around you. People that see you being anxious or having a panic attack and tell you to “just relax” or to “stop thinking so much” are dipshits that you should ignore. I can’t relax because for some unknown reason I feel like I am about to die, and I can’t stop thinking so much because if I think about not thinking then I am doing even more thinking than I would if I weren’t thinking about not thinking on top of the thinking that I am already thinking. You cannot escape thinking unless you are in a coma and I gave that up in high school.

Here’s what it is. Your unconscious mind is causing panic attacks because it is trying to make your conscious mind aware of something that you are doing regularly and you know deep down that you should stop doing it, or there is something that you should be doing but you are avoiding it. There is the possible PTSD factor where your brain has recorded something, like being in a car in my case, and then placed that recording into the “holy shit this is bad” part of your brain. You probably need therapy for that. But no matter what the reason is the only way to get rid of the anxiety is to find the problem and face it. You shouldn’t try to ignore your anxiety or treat it with prescription drugs or weed or alcohol. Alcohol helps, it helps a lot actually. In fact it’s a downright cure for anxiety that takes effect almost immediately, but it doesn’t resolve the issue and makes it worse over time. The only way to get rid of anxiety and panic attacks is to take note of them and figure out what is at the root of the cause. Then you have to face that. Once you face it you can either try to accept it or fix it but fixing it is the best option.

I have acknowledged my anxiety problems and I am now facing them and taking action. I am taking immediate action. Now is the time to push my life in the direction that I have always wanted it to go. Today alone I bought $1600 worth of clown face paint and my new pre-built aluminum shed and neodymium fishing magnet with 1146 lbs of pulling force are scheduled to arrive in the mail next Wednesday. After that I just need to figure out where I can find Mac and Me on VHS and buy a couple bottles of hydrogen peroxide, and then I will have all of the necessary materials to build my dreams with. I am also writing everyday again.

I am confronting my panic attacks and deepest fears because I will no longer be a pussy that’s getting blacked.com’d by my unconscious mind. I am confronting the cucking black bull that is harpooning my life without my consent. What do you need to confront so you too can stop being such a panicking little bitch? You gonna cry little bitch? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

A Thorough Review of Enfamil’s New Baby Formula

 

I tend to get strange things in the mail and today I am staying home to treat the “weeping” poison ivy rash on both of my feet and ankles, so it is a good day to soak my feet in salt water while I write a review. With that said, I still have 8 servings left of my 30 samples of the new Enfamil NeuroPro™ line of baby formula but I feel that I have drank enough of the product to make a fair assessment of its quality.

Their are 3 different products under the Enfamil NeuroPro™ line. There is the the NeuroPro™ Ready to Use® formula for newborns that comes premixed in individual bottles. Then there is the NeuroPro™ Gentlease® that simply comes as a powder in a cylinder container and is specifically designed for easing gas in fussy babies. And finally we have the NeuroPro™ travel packs with an enhanced fat and protein blend. All of these blends come with MFGM & DHA fatty acids that were previously only found in actual breast milk, but this third mix has extra extra MFGM & DHA fatty acids and can now be found in this easily digestible formula that is packaged in easy to carry individual powder packets, like those energy drinks you mix into your bottle of water before adding vodka.

Before I start I will let you know that none of these formulas have resulted in me having the gooey green baby shits that smell like St. Louis. However, I have only been drinking 1 serving a day usually after working out and I have only been consuming them for 22 consecutive days now. I am also a full grown man. So the green baby shits are still a possibility when fed to an infant.

 

ENFAMIL NEUROPRO™ READY TO USE® FORMULA

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I really shouldn’t start this review with the best of the bunch, but here we are. Out of the 3 different flavors this premixed version not only had the best taste and texture but was also the most convenient. Unlike the other versions of NeuroPro™ I refrigerated these little bottles. It was nice to finish a hot and heavy weight sesh by opening the fridge and slugging down an ice cold baby formula.

Taste: 6/10

I know that I said that this was the best tasting but I cannot give it higher than a 6/10. None of these formulas could ever be mistaken for being delicious. I know that you’re not supposed to give babies salt while their kidneys and whole filtering system is still forming in the first few months, but tasting these formulas really made me feel sorry for babies that are given fake breast food. Not only are they denied the chance to suck on a titty but they are forced to swallow this dick water several times a day instead.

Anyway, all of the formulas tasted like unsweetened soy milk with a secret flavor added. This one tasted like slightly sweetened soy milk, maybe even with a hint of brown sugar or perhaps graham cracker. It wasn’t overly sweet but underly sweet. A little more sugar and this stuff wouldn’t be that bad.

Best Way to Serve: Cold

The best way to serve this formula is as I said, ice cold. Being a baby sucks and that’s why babies whine like toothless quadriplegics that have to rely on others to do everything for them. Give them a break from their misery with the bonus of making them shut the fuck up with an ice cold premixed formula to wind down the day.

ENFAMIL NEUROPRO™ GENTLEASE®

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This one is okay. It tastes a little more like milk than soy, but it still has that underlying dirt flavor of soy. I’ve never eaten or drank granite but I imagine the flavor would be a lot like soy. If they ever make a soy Gatorade they should call it Mount Rushmore. Well this mix is pretty cut and dry. You scoop it out and mix however much you think your baby can handle. And you can cram a lot of this shit into a baby before it cries for mercy because this formula is specifically made to stop babies from crying. I want to experiment with this baby formula but I don’t have a baby myself. I want to know, if a food is made to stop a baby from crying, how much of it would it take to make a baby start crying. Or would the baby just eat itself to death like a pet goldfish before they cried?

Taste: 5/10

This one gets bonus points for its mild creaminess both in texture and taste. I don’t know if you were into bodybuilding circa the early 2000’s, but this one sort of reminded me of the cheap flavorless protein powders from back in the day. These powders would contain protein but you didn’t know what the other 80% of it was made of but you knew that it was 500% more anabolic than the other most anabolic powders. I guess you could say it’s sort of like powdered milk, with powdered soy.

Best Way to Serve: In Coffee

It has a funky after taste but a creamy taste before the funky after taste. It smells nice too. I found it works best as a nice little coffee creamer. This container is going to last me quite awhile because I only use half a scoop in my coffee and it’s a pretty big can. Most of the babies I’ve seen are happy in the morning, but if your baby is a little snippety upon waking then add a scoop of this into their morning coffee.

ENFAMIL NEUROPRO™ TRAVEL PACKS OR WHATEVER THEY CALL THEM®

 

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This baby formula was designed by Iraq for the purpose of destroying America. While it has the foundation of unsweetened soy it has the skyscraper of fish flavor built on top of it. It has been years since I instantly spit something out entirely based on the taste, and that’s coming from a guy that likes eating at Taco John’s.

Taste: Planck Length/10

That taste rating is so bad that you don’t even know what it means. I know that breast milk has the MFGM & DHA in it but there is an obvious reason that it doesn’t have extra MFGM & DHA in it, because it tastes like fucking fish. If you truly hate your baby but you don’t have the guts to outright kill it, this is your formula. It really does taste like soy milk with raw salmon in it. I made it through half a pack of this stuff before I had to start adding alcohol to it and you know something tastes bad when it can still overpower the flavor of straight vodka.

Best Way to Serve: With Contempt and Full Disrespect

Don’t be a dick. Your baby doesn’t want to drink this. If you ever find yourself in a tight spot money wise and for whatever reason this is the only formula you can give your baby, let your baby go hungry. If you have to choose between this formula and suplexing your baby I think your baby would come out of a suplex with less emotional damage and would turn out to be a more well rounded human being than they would if they were raised on this formula. If you want to know who they tested this formula on before putting it on the market then Google the top 20 most evil people to have ever lived.

 

Overall: Zero Results

I lift weights every single day but I’m not trying to get any bigger. That translates into me still being a meathead that is finally satisfied with the way I look after 2 decades of lifting but I wouldn’t mind being bigger. It’s funny how it works because when you’re a string bean that starts lifting the only thing you want is to be as huge as possible. And if you’re like me you eventually get as huge as possible and realize it sucks, so you shrink down a bit. But you’re always in pursuit of being the biggest guy in the gym and if you lift alone in your own gym like me, then you’re always trying to be bigger than me. Holy shit, it never ends.

Well even if I have a week left I can conclude that drinking baby formula does not result in muscle gains or fat loss. Bummer. Which makes me wonder if it should be given to growing babies but I know the more garbage you feed a baby the more they grow in every direction. If I get more of this crap in the mail I might even take it to the post office so the family it was supposed to be sent to but it had my address on it can give it to their baby. But I know that I’ll just end up drinking all of it again.

 

 

* Correction: I said that I had 8 more servings of formula to go but I was wrong, I only have 7. I gave a bottle of the earthy but flavorful Ready To Use® formula to a young couple that recently moved in together but they haven’t told me if their baby liked it or not.

 

The Politics of the Park

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My 7 year old nephew is staying with my parents for a month. My parents take him to all kinds of places to entertain and spoil him, but I am in charge of his physical activities. So every night, or now about every other night, I go to my parents house and take my nephew to the park to wear him out.

The park I take him to is right across the street from my parents’ house. It’s the same park that my brother and I grew up playing in and it’s a magnet for little kids that tend to act like massive assholes. Maybe every park is like that, I don’t know. Just scummy little douchebags cheating at the games they play and calling each other names and even calling me names. Don’t get me wrong, I love kids and I’m actually really great with kids. But some kids might find an incentive to straighten out their act if they took a shovel to the face.

So my nephew is pretty social and he’s already gathered his own gang of rag-tags that meet up with him every night at the park. One of them is an overweight 8 year old, another is an antisocial nerdy looking kid that never wears a shirt, and the others are two slightly older girls that show up for their meetings now and then. The girls are a little flaky but the two boys are consistent with their presence. Especially the overweight 8 year old that also lives across the street from the park.

My nephew is very athletic. My brother and I have lifted weights and been 6’4” super bros for over 20 years now. Both of us are a regular Chad Thundercock that spends our spare time snapping skeleton butts with towels in the locker room and mocking fatties by eating Twix and rotisserie chickens in front of them because even if we don’t workout our genes make us build muscle and burn candy like Mount Kilauea. So of course our kids have to be athletic. Both of my sons made all state wrestling last year and the other one is dead to me. I’ve taught my entire family to ignore him into believing that he doesn’t exist. Even if our dog, Bark Ruffalo, shows any attention to the third kid living in my house, I burn the dog’s ball bag with my lit cigarette. I didn’t skip neutering Bark R. because I want him to have puppies, it’s just that having his balls chopped off would take away 90% of the ways that I know how to punish a dog.

Okay, so every goddamn night that I take my nephew to the park him and his gang play tag. And they don’t really play tag against each other, they only play tag against me. I am always “it”. The entire fucking time. My nephew is the only one that has any respect for the rules of tag. He might utter “no I’m not” right after I tag him, but he still goes along with the rules and will acknowledge that he is in fact “it”. But the other little shit heads at the park, Jesus Christ!

The fat 8 year old, let’s call him Denny, he taunts me and calls me hairy buttface and despite only being 8 he has the speed and grace of a bucket of shit. Every time I tag him he’ll immediately say “no I’m not, I tagged you back” or “you tagged the back of my head so it doesn’t count” or “I called time out”. And he’s lying. The kid’s a fucking liar. I tagged him clear as day, everybody saw it, and he still has the gall to lie to my face about it. And after I’ve tagged him 50 times on the 51st he’ll finally agree that he is in fact “it” and then he starts crying because everybody is running from him and he doesn’t like to run. He openly brags about weighing 110 pounds which is roughly twice the ideal weight of an 8 year old boy. I am a staunch advocate for HAES, or Health At Every Size to all of you that are choosing to actively ignore the body shaming epidemic, but seeing an otherwise healthy 8 year old child that is incapable of running due to his weight almost made me consider that it isn’t healthy to be overweight, but then common sense came back to me and I gave him my other Twix.

And the scrawny shirtless kid with big nerdy glasses that rides a mountain bike fit for Manute Bol, he’s got no social game at all. We’ll call him Gill. I’m not sure about Gill’s age but I’m guessing that he’s older than he looks and he doesn’t have very many friends. He’s lean and he runs really fast and he seems smart, but he just comes off like a dick. He’s the first one to get genuinely pissed about anything and he slings 4 letter words around like a southern garbage man. He also pulls the “I’m not it you’re it” bullshit every time I tag him. I swear to God I whispered “fuck you” at him but he didn’t hear me because he was loudly saying the same thing.

Both of these cheaters demand that I play tag. They won’t even play tag or any other games if I’m not playing. When I stop running after Denny and Gill they’ll both start asking why and I tell them it’s because they constantly deny being “it” every time I tag them, so it isn’t fun to play tag with them. So they’ll whine, “alright we’ll play by the rules”. Then I’ll tag one of them and they’ll start in with the same bullshit about why they’re not “it”.

After chasing them in 95 degree weather for 2 hours straight, I’ll say “okay I’m taking a break” and sit on a bench. And holy shit. Denny instantly starts calling me lazy and Gill calls me a pussy and then my nephew starts saying that I’m a chicken and I have to tell my nephew to not repeat what Gill is saying and I don’t get a moment’s fucking rest. I like it when the two older girls show up because they’re willing to play a few rounds of tag without my involvement. But with the boys, if I’m not playing then they’re not playing. Christ almighty whatever happened to just playing with friends? I used to hate it when adults would try to play with me and my friends. It’s like kids are losing their imagination these days.

Well I’m not going over there tonight. I slept from midnight to 11:00AM today after running for a solid 4 hours last night and I’m not in the mood to do it again. My left leg hurts too. I want to add that I have yet to see any of these kids’ parents and all of these kids call me Uncle Luke now because that’s what my nephew calls me. They wanted to play the granny version of tag where you have to grab and hug somebody to tag them out of the game, and of course I had to be the granny. I refused to play and I told them that if they went home and told their parents that a stranger at the park that they call Uncle Luke played a game where he had to catch and hug all of the little kids then I wouldn’t be able to come to the park anymore because I’d be in jail for a few years. Only the girls knew what I was talking about.

THAT’S [insert your agenda here]-PHOBIC!!!!

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Unlike the evil munchkin handed orangutan colored President that is the result of the extreme leftists being too forceful with their opinions, I am not a bully.

So I want to give my condolences to the majority of my Facebook friends that are personally offended over the ruling of transgendered people no longer being allowed to volunteer to serve in the military. I know that most of the art and theatre majors that I went to school with either have purple hearts from being wounded in combat or maybe this ruling has crushed their lifelong dreams of possibly dying overseas to defend the very government that they constantly complain about as being evil, but I get it. Dreams are trampled on everyday and it sucks when those dreams are yours.

I know how it feels man, or woman, or they, or them. I have never been allowed to serve in the military because I was diagnosed with asthma as a child and then I got some boo-boos from a car wreck in high school. I workout vigorously with weights everyday, and it shows, it really shows, but that still isn’t enough to prove to our evil government that I am war mode ready. Despite my inability to remember the last time I had an asthma attack the government still won’t take the chance of having to spend the extra money on asthma medication or somehow having my condition compromise the lives of others. So I know what it’s like to be robbed of the opportunity of waking up everyday at 5:00AM to be yelled at by R. Lee Ermey while running obstacle courses to eventually end up in a foreign country where opposing soldiers will stop at nothing to kill me. Even if joining the military is a choice and not a requirement or a right, I feel for you.

It is understandable as to why the military would refuse to put a person as physically debilitated as me in as quarterback of the platoon because of the 1% chance of me needing to take a puff of albuterol during battle. But there is no reason that a person that requires weekly hormone injections and most likely needing a complicated gender reassignment surgery in the future should not be considered 100% trustworthy in battle and in no way would they be a financial liability. It is ridiculous to believe that the ruling would be anything other than a social insult against a minority that the hyper liberal media sources were swooping in on to boost their ratings and ‘likes’ on Facebook. Ratings and Facebook ‘likes’ lead to extra revenue but any high moral media that opposes the current government to maintain their faithful viewers would never do that, this is America.

Look, there are valid reasons for the government to not allow transgendered people into the military. The list of reasons that you cannot join the military is longer than you’d think, and things like having an excessive overbite are on that list. The now transgendered people that served in the military that are speaking out against it were not transitioning into the other gender while they were in the military, they are only speaking out against it because of social justice points and to get money from CNN and Huffington Post.

I also want to add that the military is not in place as a means of social experimentation or proving your point. It is there to defend the people that live in the United States. Boycotting Chick-Fil-A because some CEO made his remarks on gay marriage known and expressing your need for EVERYONE to be treated equal by allowing anyone into the military are two different things. ISIS and other military factions do not give a shit about your “proving them wrong” social justice by your partaking in the military without meeting the guidelines, that bullshit does not belong in the defense of a nation. If you hate super machismo douche bags that go to bars with the intention of fighting scrawny pussies because they scare you then do yourself and the rest of the country a favor, send those machismo douche bags to the army while you stay at home.

It is not a right to join the military, it is not mandatory to join the military, and you don’t even want to join the military anyway. Stop jumping on everything and blowing it up to be something that it isn’t. The liberals and left wingers are completely fucking nuts and have jumped the ship and are swimming in retard waters, and the only complaint they’d make about his sentence is that I used the word ‘retard’.

PS: I voted for Hilary.

The Housefly’s Fatwa on an American Man

Up until one and a half days ago, I have survived this sweaty summer with no air conditioning in my Builder’s Warehouse sized and themed apartment. I didn’t mind it either. My monthly utilities bills were nil, I drank more water, and the outdoorsy feeling of having all of my windows open was nice. According to my trusty atomic clock with a temperature gauge that I bought at a Sam’s Club in 2005, the average temp in my living room this summer was 86.5°, but I never believed that my clock was correct because it was a wet heat. But the air conditioner guy came along and fixed it and the current temperature is 71.2° and I’m not so sure that I like it, and now I have another problem on my hands that I’m being forced to deal with.

Anyway, are you old enough to remember those TV commercials that begged you to donate your money to starving people in Africa? Remember how they would show skeleton people living in mud huts and flies would land right on there face while they stared into the camera, and none of them would make any effort to shoo-shoo the fly away? These people would completely ignore a fly as it crawled across the full length of their face, nearly crawling into one of their eyes or their mouth. Now I’m only speaking from personal experience, there’s no scientific data here, but apparently a human’s lack of response to flies is directly correlated to the amount of heat that the human is living in. I say this because now that all of my windows are closed and the temperature of my surroundings is livable again, I am fully aware of the ridiculous amount of flies that are trapped inside of my apartment.

I know that these flies were buzzing around my apartment while my windows were open because they are flying around at increasingly slower speeds because they’re starving and low on energy, so they’ve been in here for some time and I just wasn’t noticing them. What’s worse is my discovery of flies having conscious thoughts because these flies obviously know that they are nearing death. They have now dedicated what few hours or single day that they have left of their lives to committing suicide in an effort to kill me.

It all began this morning around 9:00 AM. I was sipping my pre-workout of 20 ounces of cold coffee with two tablespoons of cacao powder and 15g of whey protein in it because the caffeine and theobromine will tune you in better than smoking a full bowl of crack and the lil’ nip of whey makes you buff as all shit. If your beanbag is big enough to drink a mixture like that then I hope you have a veterinarian on speed dial because your pythons are about to get SICK. So I’m sipping my poopy tasting pre-workout out of a shaker cup and I decide to take the lid off. I probably had maybe two sips of it and a fly lands directly in the middle of the liquid and it doesn’t even struggle, it just begins to sink. It was an obvious attempt at ending my life by an extremist fly. So my whole pre-workout concoction was ruined unless I chose to take the risk of disease or choking to death by drinking it anyway. No, I poured it down the sink and just had a plain ass cup of bitter black coffee instead.

I’m working out now and the coffee has got my blinkers blinking but not quite as well as my secret pre-workout mix that is so strong it can kill a dog would, and I’m not even joshing you about it being able to kill dogs. I don’t josh when it comes to joshes like that and I’m a notorious josher. Okay, so I’m doing some ass to grass squats to build my goddamn quads and bulk my gorilla squat ass and not one, but five flies take turns landing on my head. Two flies would land on my head every time I tried to squat while the other three perched themselves on the window curtain in wait. Then those two flies would leave my head and switch places with two other flies on the curtain, and the third fly was coaching the attack and would sometimes “get in there” to show the other four flies how it’s done. These flies obviously met up in my bathroom and coordinated an assault on my noodle. They probably read my little dry erase board with my workout routine on it and specifically chose to attack while I was performing the most difficult exercise, the godly squat.

An hour goes by and I’m done working out now and boy oh boy am I spent. I do drink a protein shake or two everyday, but not always. I’m doing the low carb thing so instead of a shake I decide to have a cheap hamburger patty with some whole milk greek yogurt mixed with chives and sriracha sauce on top; it’s odd but oddly delicious. So I open up my freezer and open the bag of hamburgers and a single “we love death as Israel loves life” Palestinian fly glides directly into my bag of burgers. It instantly freezes itself to the top hamburger patty, the very patty that I was about to reach for. I’m angry now but I just say “King Kong ain’t got shit on me!” and I cook it and eat it anyway.

Alright, so it’s a few hours later and I’m hungry again. I’m a short man with a tall appetite and I go back to my fridge to feed these freshly squatted quads and butt cheeks. I open the refrigerator door, I pull out my little vegetable crisper shelf to take out some radishes and lettuce, and what the fuck? Two flies swoop beneath my arm and successfully helicopter land directly onto my radishes. My fucking radishes. There are few things in this world that can tame the tummy better than a tasty radish and two jihadi houseflies buzzed “Almond Snackbar!” and land, they land on my fucking radishes. I’ve got money but I’m not ‘toss radishes in the dumpster’ rich, so I washed them and ate them anyway. With lettuce and a baby bowl of cottage cheese.

Then tonight when I’m getting ready for bed and typing this, and as I said I’m going low carb but that doesn’t include carbs that come with alcohol, so I’m pouring my little cup of vodka and water with a squirt of lime. I’m in my kitchen using a shot glass to measure the amount of vodka I put in because I don’t know why, that seems really stupid now that I’ve typed it out that I use a shot glass to measure my own vodka. I’m serving this drink made from my own vodka to myself and I’m still measuring it with a shot glass. Why? Anyway, I pour a shot glass of vodka and guess who stops by for a drink? That’s right, another “kill nonbelievers wherever you find them” fly. The little fucker doesn’t land in my slightly bigger baller glass but it lands directly in my teensy shot glass of vodka. This fly did it. This was the last fly that I was willing to handle today. So yeah, I didn’t pick out the fly or pour the shot of vodka down the drain. I poured the shot of vodka with the fly into my mouth and swallowed it. It was my proclamation of war. It was my way of taking it back. When I say “it” I mean my enormous lavish apartment.

The window curtain in my kitchen is covered in flies. There are two dead or nearly dead flies in my kitchen sink. There is a dead fly in my toilet. I know that they are starving because I take my trash out fairly often. My apartment doesn’t stink because it contains trash, it stinks because it contains me. These flies don’t belong here. Everything in this apartment was placed here by me and for me. My beliefs and actions made this apartment into the glorious shithole that it is, not these flies. I will protect this apartment from the jihadist flies and their ideology of death and regurgitating on food before they eat it. As God is my witness. Amen.

People That Pee in Glass Toilets Shouldn’t Shit Bricks

FaggotCelebrating diversity is a wonderful sign that a person is compassionate, intelligent, and holds genuine empathy for the societal pains of people from every corner of the Earth. Yet, if a person should acknowledge any identifiable differences between groups of people either verbally or in written form, then that person is a racist and a homophobe and must be silenced. And we should stand by our handicaps and weakest links and censor anyone that makes a statement that hurts our feelings.

That is the current retardation amongst the hard left leaning thinkers in America.

Laws are only made by the government to suppress the rights of its citizens. That’s why gaylord marriages, marijuana, any fun drugs other than booze and tobacco, beaners and dune coons, all things of negro relation except Will Smith, and welfare should be outlawed and heavily enforced by our government. And there should be no gun laws whatsoever because criminals will get guns anyway, but if you tell perverts that it’s illegal to go into the lady’s room then that law will strike the fear of GOD into them and they will obey it.

That is the extra chromosome carried by the hard leaning right thinkers in America.

There are always two sides to every argument and the answer tends to be somewhere in the middle. Every argument, like the bullshit arguments that are constantly being waged between the Conservatives and Liberals, aka Republicans and Democrats, will have people that are so polarized in their opinions that it makes them the equivalent of mongoloids in a Barnes and Noble; they should either stay in the children’s section or they’ve got no fucking business being there. They have no logic to add to the argument and they just end up being interfering background noise.

I’m relating all of this to the government recently enforcing that all school bathrooms allow a chick-with-a-dick to use a urinal and that a not-so-macho-brochacho be allowed to ash his cigarettes in the tampon bin while he takes a shit. I think I may have gotten those scenarios backwards or maybe they’re both in the process of going from cock to cock socket, but you see what I’m saying.

Anyway, both sides of the argument are valid. On the conservative side, a boy has a pee-pee and a girl has a yum-yum. So if you have a pee-pee on your body, you relieve yourself in the little boy’s room. If you have a yum-yum then you drain your baby baker in the little girl’s room. It’s real fucking simple and it’s been working for the majority of us since the invention of indoor plumbing and DNA.

On the Liberal side, not everyone is born with a brain that matches their pee-pee or their yum-yum. There is already some science behind this and as technology progresses so does science. So we’re finding out more about the link between the brain and gender. For much of time gender identity has been bullshit, but the scientific process follows the path of turning bullshit into shit and then shit into things we’re pretty sure of and then probably turning it into a fact. The gender identity thing is between the ‘shit’ and ‘things we’re pretty sure of’ phase, so there’s a good chance that it will someday be a fact. Only polarized morons and nitro-religious assholes make it part of their belief system to deny facts. I won’t agree that gender is a social construct though. Gender roles might be a social construct but not your actual gender. We’ll leave that argument for the man hating carpet munching gender studies feminists to decide though.

When I go into a bathroom I go there to take a piss in privacy or to avoid people. If you are concerned about the genetic equipment that the other people in the bathroom are carrying then that’s all your fucking problem. I definitely have a train cart full of qualms about people blaming gender roles for their problems, but that still doesn’t make me give a rat’s ass about who is pooping in the stall next to me.

Bathroom laws won’t stop perverts because perv’s are gonna vert no matter what laws exist. I’ve seen guys in the men’s room that I was weary of and I just peed in a stall instead. And I’ve had girls look at me funny while I was in the women’s room so they ran out the door and left me to finish masturbating in the sink by myself. It’s harmless. If you look like a Chad and you think you’re a Chad then go in the bro’s room, if you look like a Britney and you think you’re a Britney then go in the sexy grills’ room. It’s been that way forever and that’s the way it should be. Just respect other peoples’ opinion of what gender you are and if you want to be some “gender fluid” bullshit then that’s your own fucking problem and shut up. If you look like a guy then don’t go in the ladies’ room and visa versa.

And the talk of making a separate bathroom for transexuals; no. There should be a separate bathroom for people that don’t want to go to the bathroom with other people. That way if you’re uncomfortable you can use that single bathroom with the single toilet. And of course there will be a line to use it because everyone will want that toilet. I don’t even care about the other people in the bathroom because I don’t go in there to look at everyone else’s tackle, but a single bathroom would allow me to release my inner grizzly when taking a shit in public. The quiet, the privacy. I could stomp my feet and scream while baring down on getting that brown bastard out of my butt.

Oh, and if you’re some fuck face parent that’s complaining about transexuals showering or being in the same changing room as your school aged kids, fuck you for not remembering what your childhood was like. Avoiding nudity in the locker room and skipping out on taking gym showers with others was top priority unless you were a young Shaquille O’ Neil. And seeing that all of the fat American youngsters have a pair of preteen milk duds because of the candy you feed them, every fat kid looks like a transexual nowadays. Being made fun of in the shower would be good for them. They might be embarrassed enough to stop eating doughnuts and their tears would ruin their keyboards and Iphones and force them to go outside.

On a final note, I do find it really fucking stupid that there are people that believe that this should be enforced by the government. It is a form of segregation, but businesses should be allowed to determine their own bathroom rules. If you don’t like the rules of a business, you don’t bitch like a little child and try to close it for everyone, instead, you go to another business. The rules a business chooses will either cause that business to fail or prosper. That is capitalism in action. Demanding that all businesses have to do the exact same thing, that’s socialist economics. Socialism works in government services but not in business. And if you have the right to choose your gender then why don’t other people have the right to choose their reaction to it so long as it’s not violent? And if someone feels more comfortable shitting in the same bathroom that you do and you are uncomfortable with it, then you should find a new bathroom, not them. It isn’t a war, it’s a compromise.

This whole thing is a non issue and if you have strong feelings towards it then you are one of the polarized fuck faces that is making this country suck. Christ, I listened to way too much NPR and Fox News this weekend.