Surviving The End of The World

Screen Shot 2020-03-15 at 9.50.42 PM

Call it the Boomer Remover or the far too vague Coronavirus, it doesn’t matter because we’re all tired of arguing and we need to save our breath before the virus takes it away. What is important is that everyone is prepared to face this virus and the fact is you’re probably going to get it whether you’re prepared or not. You should also be prepping for the end of the world as we know it.

I really am wondering if I’ve already had the virus. I’ve been sick for a week and a half and I’m still dealing with a cough that’s gradually going away. It all started on a Friday two weeks ago. I went out for some drinks with some then soon to be and now married friends that Thursday night and the next day I was unnecessarily and ridiculously hungover. I woke up at 6:00AM in mid run to my bathroom and when I got there my face exploded with vomit everywhere. I went back to bed and a couple hours later it happened again. And I felt like I had a fever and I sat on the couch all day as per usual but I felt horrible while doing it. I went to the wedding rehearsal and then to the bachelor party and I still felt like crap but I was a soldier and managed to get drunk and go bowling and eat shitty food. Anyway long story short, the fever went away after a few days and I was stuck with a sore throat and a constant hacking cough and after a week of that it turned into a stuffy nose and coughing boogers. But I’m okay now.

I don’t know how I caught whatever I had but there were people from all over the country and even a few foreigners at that wedding. I also started my summer slim-down with my annual double serving of orange chicken from Panda Express. I’m not being racist and saying a Chinese employee exposed my orange chicken to the virus because I didn’t even see any Asian people working there, I’m just saying that Chinese people are putting bat meat in their chicken. My annual Panda Express orange chicken dinner always makes me sick but not like this.

I am writing this to provide some important information to those that have not gotten sick yet. This is a sort of guide and supply list that I made as a survivor of what may have very likely been COVID-19 but was probably a seasonal cold, and being an observant loner I can see where this virus thing is going. This is the end of the world. These steps seem rather extreme but we are on the brink of societal collapse and it is important to be prepared. No matter my reason for typing this, I care about you and your family’s health.

1. Buy More Alcohol Than You Think You Can Drink:

You will be staying home for an extended period of time so you won’t be bringing in a paycheck or having close contact with anyone. Despite your fears of running out of money you need to spend at least 75% of the money you do have on alcohol. Food comes second to booze when in isolation. The reason being that alcohol will get you through times without food and money but having food and money will not get you through times without alcohol.

2. Pornographic Magazines:

People choose to believe the police and all forms of law enforcement are what’s stopping society from turning into a raging bonfire of crime and cannibalism but they’re wrong. It’s the internet that keeps us in order, and more specifically it is internet porn. I’m not sure which will shutdown first, the power grid or the internet. I would imagine that both would go down at the same time but nobody knows for sure, there’s an episode of South Park based on this question. Communal sanity will be maintained as long as we can charge our phones on generators and sit in the dark watching old pornhub and youtube videos but the moment we lose online access to smut the shit will hit the fan. The only thing between you being raped and spermed as a way to tenderize and salt your meat before being eaten is porn. If you have printed pictures of naked people and naked people performing sexual acts you will be safe from violence because printed porno pictures will replace the dollar when planet Earth is burning. Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition pictures will be $1 dollar bills, Playboy will be $10’s, and Hustler pages will be worth hundreds of dollars or more. In a post internet world you can have your own personal army of teenage boys and kissless-hugless permavirgins that will defend you to the death just by funding your militia with pages from the 2002 catalog of Swank magazine.

3. Fleshlights:

Everyone knows what a Fleshlight is so I don’t need to explain. But in the apocalypse you either have a Fleshlight or you are a Fleshlight.

4. Stop Making Your Bed:

Jocko Willink tells young men to take extreme ownership for their actions and Jordan Peterson tells you that the one place you can begin to take control of your life is by cleaning your room. He says that something as simple as keeping your bedroom clean will lead to a snowball effect that can change your world for the better because most people try to make huge leaps and bounds in order to change their life and attempting to make huge changes instead little baby changes will inevitably fail. It’s old advice that Peterson rehashed but whatever. Now is the time to tell Jocko and Jordan to go fuck themselves. Uppity doctors are telling everyone to stop touching their face but if you don’t touch anything else then you can touch your face as much as you want. Let your home crumble around you and you won’t get sick.

5. Watch Shows Like Hoarders And Take Notes:

Over the past decade TLC has become the Lynchian body horror channel but now that society is falling apart I can see that it has been preparing us for chaos this entire time. The show Hoarders teaches us that hoarding can supply you with an abundant amount of everything you need as well as keep people away from your house. Freaky Eaters teaches us that humans can survive for decades by eating nothing but cheesy potatoes and you’ll learn from My Strange Addiction that you can sustain yourself on things like toilet paper and furniture stuffing, or that smelling gasoline every 20 minutes will numb pain and give you energy.

My favorite episode of Hoarders is the one with Shanna, also known as “The Poop Lady”. Shanna poops and pees in water jugs and then stores the jugs throughout her house and in her yard. She even enjoys eating her food with a few brown fingerprints on it if you know what I mean, and she won’t let the Hoarders team throw out her poop laced food until she is allowed to eat some of it first. Shanna lives one of the most heroic lifestyles ever recorded. She has built up a Mcafee Antivirus level immune system and nobody fucks with her or her shit, and by shit I mean her home and everything in it that’s covered in shit. I’m sure that after the show aired Shanna was shamed into hiding but Shanna is the hero that this country needs right now. I remember those commercials from the 90’s that were on MTV during black history month where little black kids would say “I am Malcolm X”. I expect that after the virus has killed off 90% of mankind and only the strongest have survived, when television begins again there will be “I am Shanna” commercials.

6. You Need Me:

I have already had this virus and my body has defeated it. I have the antibodies needed to beat this thing and you need my bodily fluids in and around your mouth. I am Shanna. I am Legend.

7. Potatoes Potatoes Potatoes

Second to alcohol this food should be your staple. They have everything you need in them and you can cut one of them into 5 pieces and grow 5 more potatoes. Potatoes are the gremlins of foods. You leave them in a dark place for too long or get them wet and they start growing and multiplying. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, but give a man a potato and his cupboard under the sink will be bursting with food about 2 weeks after he forgot about the potato he put in there.

8. Also Coffee:

I should have grouped all of the necessary foods and liquids into one category but then the list wouldn’t be long enough. You’re going to need lots of coffee. You’re not going to work and you’re not making your bed and your poop needs to be nice and watery to squeeze it out into a jug so you will need a constant supply of coffee. If you’ve already spent 75% of your money on alcohol like I told you, and you only needed to buy 2 or 3 potatoes to start your own food supply, and I don’t think they even sell porno mags anymore so you’ll have to steal your dad’s hidden stash, then the rest of your money should be spent on coffee. I am a former 2 time Mr. Universe and people often ask me if I do cardio to lose body fat for the summer. My fat burning secret is that I spend every morning drinking coffee on an empty stomach until I’m fighting off a panic attack or a diabetic coma. They both feel the same but once I’m staring at the ceiling and have lost the ability to see colors I know I’m in the fat burning zone.

9. Wearing A Bathrobe And Masturbating All Day Might Be A Cure…

I completely isolated myself in my apartment for about a week until I felt like I had gotten over this horrible virus. The only time I left was when I went to Walmart at 1:00AM to buy groceries because I didn’t want people ogling me while I coughed my lungs out, and I don’t give a shit if the long haired guy with glasses that pushes the industrial sweeper around Walmart for his entire 10 hour night shift gets sick. That sounds cruel but for some reason I feel like that guy is already following this possible cure. While I did ramp up my vitamin C intake by taking an extra 1000mg tablet before bed and I continued my 3 days a week workout routine there was one mode of action that I took that outnumbered all of the others. I pretty much did this one thing all day long and it just might be the thing that saves this planet.

10. If You Write Stuff You Should Write Right Now:

Theaters around the world are closed and will be closed for a while. The entire entertainment industry is taking it up the ass pretty hard at the moment and when this whole thing is over Hollywood will be looking for stories to turn into movies. Non retarded people are sick and tired of superhero movies and sequels so this might be the time that your idiotic sci-fi outer space or fantasy Game of Thrones ripoff stories could become successful. Write like crazy in between the masturbation sessions you should be adhering to.

11. Stop Talking About Politics:

Look, I will admit that when this whole virus thing began in China I was immediately suspicious of it being a way for China to clear its streets of protestors and manipulate the markets by driving product scarcity and tampering with currencies. But later when I was filling up at the gas station due to gas being cheaper thanks to Saudi Arabia and Russia, while I was watching the stock market tank on CNN Money on my Iphone I must have gone through 911 different catastrophes in my head and realized I would be a Waco, I mean wacko, to think that this virus is being overhyped for political and economic reasons. That’s like believing O.J. Simpson wasn’t found innocent due to the enormous lack of evidence against him.

Lets be honest here. Neither Democrats or Republicans have ever used a tragedy to boost their approval among the masses. The cities asking for the most federal funding to combat the virus are sanctuary cities that lost federal funding for refusing to report illegal immigrants in their court system but coincidences happen. Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden are old people that don’t know how to use an Ipad which is why they don’t know that closing borders is the first thing that slows down your ability to spread your virus in the game Plague Inc. And I would never expect this current round of Democrats to paint themselves into a corner by blaming it on Republicans and saying they refused to address the problem, and then the Republicans would steer into this whole virus thing to turn it into a sort of manufactured 9/11 as a way to boost Trump’s reelection once the virus dies down and the stock market gets a huge bounce from the Fed pumping funny money into it and the banks are loaded with more bailout money to give out like candy, and Trump gets to take all the credit for life being peachy again. These current Democrats never paint themselves into a corner by going all in with a ridiculous issue. I mean saying “believe all women” would be just as dumb and extreme as saying “all women are liars” and would be just as easily refuted with hundreds of examples from history. Pssh, pfffft, faaaahhh, pffffffffftttsssss, sheesh… in no way is this virus being used politically during an election year.

Overall though, just shut the fuck up about politics for a while. If you’ve got to talk about negative stuff then talk about how Disney ruined Star Wars or that a soccer player just set a world record for doing “keepie uppies” with a soccer ball non stop for 50 miles across a frozen lake over the course of 48 hours.

Well, that’s my list of suggestions for surviving what is obviously the end of mankind on this planet. I was hoping Elon Musk would have gotten us to Mars by now but he was too late. We are doomed and it’s all because of Campbell’s Nocturnal Noodle soup. But I survived it, I think. I may or may not have had the Boomer Doomer Disease but I’m sure it feels the same and you would want to treat it the same way. Yeah, I definitely had the coronavirus.

Trump Bat Soup

Star Wars: A Disney Story

Sorry George, come back

Oh wow, a new Star Wars movie is opening on Friday. Normally I would be putting on my cum diapers and buying tickets to cheer like a Kindergartner to the sounds of laser swords making “woong! wung! wong!” noises swinging through the air but for some reason I don’t care at all. Oh wait, now I remember why I don’t care. It’s because The Last Jedi was the most disappointing and personally ass blasting piece of shit garbage movie that I have ever seen. Don’t get me wrong, the movie looks good. Children and mongoloids love clapping to 4k pictures of porgs but they’re incapable of following a story, but it looks good. The Last Jedi is the perfect example of a chocolate covered AIDS dick. It looks yummy but as soon as you swallow it you’re full of AIDS and it ruins your love for something from your childhood, which is chocolate, and it also fucks you in the ass.

I am not a religious man but I would be willing to pay upwards of $2000 for a lock of Rian Johnson’s hair for the purpose of making a voodoo doll in his likeness to drive needles into his eyeballs for writing and directing The Last Jedi. I know what you’re going to say, “Y-yer just a toxic male that hates Disney’s New Wars because of its strong female characters!” Nope, let me quickly lay out why Rian Johnson’s script belongs in the Smithsonian next to the Holocaust exhibit for coming in second place to Hitler’s disrespect for humanity. The Last Jedi is cockpoo, garbage, absolute trash.

Are you a Star Wars fan? Good. So following The Last Jedi, please tell me what is the plot of the new sequels? Did that stump you? Because that question stumped me. Or wait, Rey is the main character of these new sequels, what is her motivation for fighting against the First Order? Yeah, I got nothing there either. This third installment of the sequels should be called Hurricane Katrina because it’s dead in the fucking water. The Force Awakens set up the whole story as the Empire was making a comeback and now calls itself the First Order and Luke Skywalker was the only hope for the rebels to defeat them. Skywalker was hiding on a bumfuck nowhere planet that could only be found on some map that required a code because Skywalker is a fucking badass that couldn’t be bothered with the petty troubles of youngling bitches, then they cracked the code and R2D2 lit up and started beeping because Skywalker was near, and we were left with the scene of Rey handing Luke his light saber. Holy shit I am rock hard! It was a somewhat predictable but satisfying ending that left us excited to see Luke Skywalker in the next movie. Us Star Wars elders were aware that The Force Awakens was just a rehash of A New Hope, but we didn’t care, it felt good to see a Star Wars movie that felt like a Star Wars movie, the prequels just didn’t feel like Star Wars.

How does The Last Jedi end? Luke Skywalker unceremoniously poofs into thin air after thinking himself to death and the rebels get away. Wowzers, what a zinger. And what did we learn from the movie? Kylo may have been lying but Rey is a nobody. Snoke was the leader of the First Order but he was a nobody that shouldn’t be explained. Princess Leia can fly and survive the vacuum of space if she has enough heroin in her system. Luke Skywalker is no longer the optimistic nice guy and most powerful Jedi in the galaxy but became a beta male NEET that weans himself on sea walruses even when a girl is watching. Oh, and Star Wars has been turned into a Marvel Avengers-esque quip fest full of knee slappers. Yes it’s a space fantasy movie but Star Wars always had that lore and seriousness to it. When The Last Jedi began with ships dropping bombs in zero gravity outer space and Poe calling Hux to say “who dis? why it’s yo momma!” and Finn is walking around in a silly billy water suit that’s making silly billy squishy sounds I really did stop the movie to see if I was watching some sort of parody that had been included with the movie. But no. The movie was mindless trash made for idiot children to watch while they peed on the floor and chewed the upholstery off of their dad’s favorite chair.

I usually find a way to watch big movies before they come out in theaters because I don’t mind watching a cam rip that was recorded on an Iphone 3 with Korean subtitles and horrible sound and people walking in front of the screen, but I haven’t seen The Rise of Skywalker yet and I don’t plan on putting in any effort to see it either. I’ll just wait until it’s on Netflix or something and have it on in the background while looking at porn on my phone. I don’t expect the movie to be any good either. I expect it to be one long apology for The Last Jedi by slapping as many nostalgia inducing scenes and characters into it and reminding the fans that ‘oh my god this is like the last Star Wars movie that won’t go directly to Disney+ so watch it in the theater’. Rey will be a relative of Emperor Palpatine because what a shocker that would be. Kylo will become a good guy and then probably die. Yada yada yada.

I’m just venting. The Last Jedi tanked Star Wars and my asshole gets super itchy whenever I talk to somebody that likes the movie but are unable to understand why it’s such horrible story telling. I expect The Rise of Skywalker to be an even bigger chocolate covered AIDS dick with Cadbury Creme Egg testicles filled with bubonic plague. I love Cadbury Creme Eggs and now Star Wars is going to ruin that for me too.

SHUT THE F*#K UP!!!

Yikes

There are three types of people in this world. There are people that are aware of somebody else that is either sleeping or performing a task, so they tiptoe and try to be quiet as to not disturb them. Then there are people that are loud and completely ignorant of the sleeping or busy person either because they don’t care or they’re too immature to know that it would be more polite for them to be quiet. And finally there are the passive-aggressive shitlords that intentionally make noise to wake someone up or break their concentration because like a wounded puppy they just want somebody to notice them. I will give you a moment to let you guess which one of those examples lives in my apartment building. Don’t get me wrong, really nice guy, but holy shit man.

So I am currently living in a four story building designed by the Silver Thomas Hanley Architect group that you are probably familiar with for designing the construction of theRS Pondok Indah Bintaro Jaya Hospital in Jakarta, Indonesia. They also designed the Good Samaritan Hospital up the street in which their helicopter rattles all of my windows every time it flies over. I doubt when this building was constructed over 50 years ago that they could have imagined what a whirly-bird was, let alone know that they should tighten the doors and windows for whenever one flew over. Shoot, I’m sure if someone had even hinted at mankind one day having the ability to fly they would have burnt them at the stake for witchcraft.

So anyway, there’s a guy that lives in the suite on the fourth floor that’s a super cool dude, great guy, but Christ all fucking mighty someone needs to tell him to shut up. He doesn’t have parties or friends or anything and he isn’t blasting his stereo. He tries to but he has a little pussy stereo made by Playmates Toys and I have a monster melt your face seven speaker surround sound stereo with a subwoofer made by Yamaha so I can crank it up to make his floor shake while I’m underneath him with my brains coming out of my ears. But no, he isn’t loud in a party animal sense. He’s just, really annoying in an overly passive-aggressive way.

There is a fully equipped gym in the basement. Every other night usually starting sometime between 9 and 11 o’clock he will go down there and crank up the most hardcore music that any melodramatic middle aged Creed and Nickelback fan could possibly imagine while he’s working out. And he stomps up and down those fucking stairs as loud as possible, in fact I think he puts on tap dancing shoes just for walking up and down those goddamn stairs. And when he’s playing those songs downstairs, let’s take the song ‘In the End’ by Lincoln Park for example, which is a horrible song by a horrible band, he sings along to it. And when I say sing along I mean he’s really singing the song as loud and boisterous as possible. He isn’t singing it like guys do when they’re alone in the car, he’s trying to sing it like the actual singer, with passion. Whenever somebody does that around me I’m like “hey who sings this song?” and they’ll say “oh Elton John” or whoever and I say “yeah that’s what I thought, so why the fuck are you singing it?” and then they’ll shut up. But this guy. A week ago at like 1:00AM he was sitting at the top of the stairs auditioning for The Voice on live television loudly playing his guitar and singing ‘I Wish You Were Here’ with such grace that I know at least 3 chairs turned around. And what’s more pathetic is that he does this while admitting that he doesn’t drink alcohol. But it’s like he’s just sitting there strumming his guitar and singing loud as fuck with oh so much passion, waiting for me or someone else to peek out their door and say, “oh wow, you sing so soft and so sweetly” and he can act bashful and say “awe shucks, I just like to play the guitar and sing my soul out now and then”. But it’s all fake.

In the morning he’ll go downstairs into the fully equipped gym that also has a washer and dryer in it and slam the fucking dryer door over and over before doing laundry and playing horrible soft rock while singing along to it at SIX OH CLOCK IN THE WHAT THE FUCK AM! And he’ll pull this bullshit six days a week. In fact, he just slammed his feet down the stairs wearing his wooden clogs from Holland and now he’s playing ‘Highway To The Danger Zone’ from Top Gun and holy shit as make believe as that sounds, it’s not. He always starts with songs from the Top Gun soundtrack and then goes into Van Halen and Lincoln Park and Eminem and other songs thuggish white kids played in their Pontiac Grand Am during high school. Oh wait, this is different. He’s playing ‘I Get Stupified’ by Disturbed. What a dumb piece of shit song that is. He’s grunting and slamming weights while saying “come on one more!” too.

And getting the mail. I swear to fucking god he plays nick-knack-paddy-whack with a ball-peen hammer on his mailbox in the hallway every goddamn day when he gets his mail. And singing some gladly forgotten hit from Casey Kasem’s top 40 back in 2005 while he does it.

And the front door. He’ll whip his apartment door open, Riverdance down the stairs in steel toe boots, open the front door, slam the front door, go to his car, come back and whip open the front door, slam the front door, curb stomp up the stairs, slam his door, and then repeat the entire process four more times. He does this shit daily and nightly.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s a nice guy. That’s what bothers me so much about it. I know he isn’t an idiot that’s completely unaware of everyone else. He’s doing this shit because he’s the sad little puppy type that wants attention and it’s so damn pathetic that it makes me angry. I have walked out and given him that look after the third time he walks in and out of the building at midnight and he’s all “oh hey what’s up bro?” and acts like he wants to hang out. When I first moved in he saw that I was a four time Mr. Olympia winner and that I keep my body competition ready year round so I wrote him a workout and diet plan and showed him how to lift for size and he would be knocking on my door at least twice a day to ask questions or talk or whatever. I’m a social butterfly, but I need to be left the fuck alone for most of the day. He just, he has that aura of lonely desperation about him. And nobody likes that. Not even other people with an aura of lonely desperation like people with auras of lonely desperation.

I haven’t even talked about the super drugged out alcoholic named Eddy that lived across the hall for a week. His friend Gene was shitfaced and pounding on my backdoor at 1:00AM on a Monday because he thought it was Eddy’s apartment. He was wearing sweatpants and a button up Christmas sweater and I was wearing my bathrobe. As freaked out as I was I let him in. He apologized profusely and then we had a drink together in my kitchen talking about how he went to art school in Pittsburgh and then I lead him to the hallway to Eddy’s door.

The landlord kicked Eddy out right away because of the noise he made and the cops coming over multiple times. I get along with the new landlord really well. He doesn’t speak a word of English and I don’t understand the third world jibber jabber he motor boats out of his face, but we both speak handshakes and smiles. And that’s what really matters.

Groundhog Day

Screen Shot 2019-10-06 at 9.28.39 PM

It’s October and everyone is trying to watch as many horror movies as possible. I watch horror movies year round so this month isn’t any different from another. I chose to do something different, but not that different because it’s still watching movies, or the same movie everyday. I chose to watch the movie Groundhog Day everyday this month, and although I didn’t start watching it until October 2nd, and I’m only watching it for the fourth time right now, after this I’m done. Groundhog Day is my favorite Bill Murray movie and I’ve already seen it close to 30 times anyway.

That doesn’t matter. I just want to talk about the movie Groundhog Day. If you have never seen the movie Groundhog Day starring Bill Murray then I assume that you’re not reading this. Everyone knows that it’s about Bill Murray being an asshole news reporter doing an on location story about the famous weather forecasting groundhog Punxsutawney Phil in the western Pennsylvania town of Punxsutawney on February 2nd, Groundhog Day. While in Punxsutawney Bill Murray’s character, also named Phil, angers his cameraman Larry who happens to practice witchcraft offscreen, and Larry performs a ritual in his hotel room that night that curses Phil to live the exact same day over and over until he finally changes his attitude to become a good enough person to move forward in life. It sounds like a really touching and somewhat uplifting movie, and it is. But I want to touch on the darker side of living the same day over and over, what such a thing would do to a person’s psyche.

According to research and an interview with Harold Ramis, Phil lived the same Groundhog Day back to back for roughly 8 years. Think about that. Think about who you were and where you were in life 8 years ago in comparison to who and where you are now. It’s two different worlds isn’t it? Now think about if everyday of the past 8 years had been the same day over and over with no ability to escape. There would be no avoiding insanity. The movie shows a montage of some of the darker days where Phil commits suicide everyday only to instantly awake in his bed at 6:00AM to the song “I Got You Babe” by Sonny and Cher playing on the radio alarm clock that he had smashed to pieces before leaving his room to commit suicide an hour earlier. According to psychology, a person will try to change their environment using increasingly drastic methods before they ultimately commit suicide. Some resort to drugs and alcohol, some resort to abusing others, and some watch anime and shitpost with quotes and infographics on Facebook. So I know that Phil did some horrible things before the suicide montage and the movie skips over that entire experience for the sake of maintaining a PG rating.

What I’m trying to say is that Bill Murray’s character literally raped and murdered thousands of people. Groundhog Day is labeled as a comedic romance but it really is a horror movie. It’s set up right away that there is no hot water in the bed and breakfast that he’s staying at, and it shows that every morning he is unable to take a hot shower. I’m sure that there was a year or two where he adjusted and took cold showers, but there was also the 3 to 4 years where he stalked a person or an entire family to learn their habits, and then broke into their homes and brutally murdered them just so he could take a hot shower in their bathroom. I’m sure he spent 6 months learning how to properly field dress a deer as well as sew a tuxedo so he could murder the entire Punxsutawney high school cheerleader team in the locker room and after taking a hot shower in the girls’ locker room, he skinned several of the bodies to make a girl suit. And then he did a cheerleader dance outside in the snow wearing his gruesome bloody girl suit and waving pom-poms surrounded by the entire Punxsutawney police department pointing their guns at him pleading with him to get on the ground and put his hands behind his head, and then he raised one pom-pom towards the sheriff and died in a hail of bullets. Then he instantly wakes up to Sonny and Cher playing on the radio. And yeah, I left out all the creepy sexual stuff that would have happened too.

For 3 to 4 years Phil devolved into the most evil human being on Earth and nobody saw the change happen. Nobody could have stopped it from happening. It’s shown that he gets drunk and runs from the cops with the other 2 drunk guys, you know the whole “is it too early for flapjacks?” part. Then after getting arrested he wakes up in his bed, getting off scot-free. You know that it didn’t end there. You know that Phil pushed the boundaries of being able to commit any and every crime imaginable and unimaginable and be able to get away with it. Phil isn’t a psychopath either so you know that doing that shit ate at his mind for years before he was able to pull himself together to become the person he wanted to be. You know the lady that taught him how to play the piano? How many times do you think he raped and murdered that woman while learning to play the piano? How many times did he have a vile sexual orgy with the dead bodies of the piano lady and her cats and then played one of those nocturne songs by Chopin in the nude wearing nothing but their blood and cat skins?

And you know he turned to religion and witchcraft to escape his fate. He didn’t just accept the fact that he was doomed to live the same day for eternity and said, “welp, guess I’ll learn some dancing, and ice sculpting, and piano and then I’ll be happy”. No, he turned to Satan. The old guy begging for money on the corner that dies, he dug up his body every night for 2 months in a row, performing Satanic rituals to resurrect him. He murdered the living shit out of Ned Ryerson so many times that killing Ned alone would give Phil the highest serial killer body count in human history. Phil killed thousands of people and then had to talk to those same people again less than 24 hours later. Phil devolved into an absolute madman before trying to better himself, and the movie completely skips over that part. And I think that it’s the most important part of the story, but we don’t get to see it.

The Best A [man] Can Get

screen shot 2019-01-17 at 2.53.26 am

 

Look, women are sluts. Women use their bodies to manipulate men and the media into giving them what they want because they have sexuality but no brains. Women are gold diggers that are incapable of making a living on their own so they cling onto a man that is smart and financially successful and then use the law to rob him of his income with no consideration of the man’s well being. Women also want to rob men of their rights to see or take part in raising their own children. Women are the most evil creatures on Earth. Oh, and let’s not even bring up the fake rape allegations.

OH WHOOPS!

Did I forget to mention that not ALL women are like that? And am I also saying that the only way to prove your worth as a woman is to stop all other women from being evil cunts that ruin men’s lives otherwise you too are a gold digging whore? If you understand what I’m saying, well, that’s why Gillette’s social justice pandering commercial pisses men off. And I highlight the word “men”. I’ve seen several guys post it on their BaseFox page with praises and yes, I will insult their manhood for doing so. If I am responsible for stopping all men from being assholes then I am also responsible for discerning the pussies from the men, and the Gillette praisers are pussies.

This commercial says that whether you are an asshole or not, if you are a man then you are responsible for the actions of all male assholes, thus relegating you to male assholedom no matter what you do. If you like this commercial I am not going to insult your gender, just your intelligence. You are cheering for Proctor and Gamble which is a billion dollar corporation that is dealing with several lawsuits ranging from selling women talcum powder while knowing it causes ovarian cancer to discriminating against DACA recipients for internships to price fixing with other corporations. You most likely demand that a baker be forced to make a gay wedding cake despite their personal beliefs but you cheer on FaceBook and Google when they de-platform someone and ruin their means of income because they disapprove of what they were saying amongst their friends and fans. You are a sellout thinking that you are promoting something good. That’s the thing about zombies, eventually they forget that they were ever bitten and believe that being a zombie is the normal way of life.

I Live With It

1539199981714

If there is ever a zombie apocalypse then you bastards better protect me from getting bitten. Because if my skeleton can be this goddamn mean to me then I don’t even want to imagine the horrible things it would do to you. What I have is a bad case of a very common condition called costochondritis. Costochondritis is the swelling of the joints where your ribs connect to your sternum and spine. It is a constant dull ache all up and down my sternum and along my spine in my upper back. It feels like a cross between receiving a bear hug and having a heart attack 24 hours a day. In fact, Dr. Internet said that 1/3 of all people that go to the emergency room thinking that they’re having a heart attack end up being diagnosed with costochondritis.

The condition is pretty common and you’ve probably had it before. You know how your ribs get a little sore after you’ve been sick and coughing for days like a degenerate marijuana addict? That’s costochondritis. But if you injure your ribs doing something like, say, lifting overly heavy weights seven days a week for several months on end then the damage to your cartilage can be more severe and it can take a long time for your ribs to heal. According to Dr. Internets it could take up to 2 years to heal if it ever does heal at all. Apparently some people get a life sentence with this shit.

While abstaining from being a stranger to danger you must be chanting the Vedic hymn of “no pain no gain”, and I am no stranger to that lifestyle nor the dangers it contains. It’s why my apartment is a literal shithole, I live in hell. A wise YouTuber once uttered the words “seek discomfort” and as long as I live in this dungeon, discomfort is guaranteed with every moment that my eyes are open.

Anyway, back to my ribs. My ribs are being real assholes to me. I read that the only way to treat costovaginas is to take painkillers until it heals. But what if I have the kind that takes 2 years to heal or it doesn’t heal at all? I take painkillers for life? I hate painkillers and I don’t trust them. You hear of people dying in pain but you don’t hear of people dying from pain, and I’ve never heard of someone dying because they didn’t take painkillers. I know that if I started taking opiates that would be it for me. I would be strung out AND living in a shithole apartment in the middle of nowhere. In no way can I let that happen.

And fucking alcohol doesn’t even work! Getting tipsy makes me forget about how much my ribs hurt but as soon as I move or lay down it feels like Rowdy Roddy Piper just clapped me with a goddamn Brainbuster. I totally freak out when I lay on my back for too long because the pressure on the dumbass rib in my upper back makes it hurt to breath. True story, a few weeks ago I had a filling put in at the dentist and she was so freaked out by my face cringing with pain that she thought she was fucking things up. So she stopped short. Now that filling feels like I’m sucking off the Human Torch every time I take a sip of my hot green tea, because yes, I’m drinking green tea now and also yes, it’s organic. I’m not saying that I’m a vegan that only eats cum and cabbage I’m just saying that I drink organic green tea every morning instead of coffee now. It’s good and my little tum-tum feels better when I drink it.

I just wanted to complain for a while. I’d like to say that I feel better now but I don’t. It’s cold outside and for whatever reason the cold air makes my ribs feel ten times worse. I hope that everyone that I know will one day be forced to suffer from costcofajitas. All of them.

It’s Not the Breed it’s the Owner!!!

1539818817933

In an attempt to be a little more streamlined than tank-like, I am lifting half of the amount of weight that I normally lift and working out every day. The plan has backfired. I am looking more Hulk mode than before and have found myself strung out on protein shakes again. I haven’t taken a hit from the shaker bottle since 2015, but after finding a delicious whey isolate protein powder that fills the void in both my diet and emotional needs, it makes me wonder how I ever had the willpower to quit.

Apparently Walmart has really upped their game when it comes to supplements and protein powders since I shook the whey monkey off my back, because they have some really good stuff now. I found myself standing in front of the many bodybuilding proton containers at Walmart, reading every label because if you ever go grocery shopping with me you should know that going grocery shopping with me is the only thing you will get done that day, because I read every label and internally debate every food item I buy, except eggs.

While I’m reading the bodybuilding proton container labels two young white men that were culturally appropriating inner city gangster rap culture in both their clothing and manner of speech began to look at the supplements next to me.

The first thing out of one of their mouths to the other, “Yo, it’s not the breed though, it’s the owner.”

Oh holy shit. I knew immediately that he was a pit bull apologist. I cannot stand pit bull apologists. The moment I see a person walking a pit bull or they tell me that they own a pit bull I instantly question their intelligence. Pit bulls are hell demons with heads evolutionarily made to eat other creature’s heads with. And that’s what they do, they actually attack your neck and your head.

So these two privileged white boys speaking with basketball accents continue their discussion of how pit bulls are loving dogs that lost their angel wings, and that if you show the dog who’s boss then it will be obedient and never harm a soul. I know lots of random information because my brain prefers to fill itself with useless bullshit instead of making me into a wealthy genius doctor. One of those random bits of useless bullshit is that pit bulls are only 11% of dogs in America and yet they’re responsible for over 50% of all dog attacks and are also the dog attacks that are most likely to be fatal.

So I told them, “You know, pit bulls are only 5% of the dog population but they commit 75% of all dog attacks, and 90% of those attacks are fatal.”

“For real?”, said one white male.

“Yup. My sister works at a dog shelter. They won’t even accept pit bulls because they’re so dangerous to the other dogs and the workers.”

Look, I don’t have a sister. But I do know a girl that I haven’t talked to in over a decade that may work at or did work at an animal shelter at one time but I’m not sure. And any friend that close to me is like family. She has never given me her stance on pit bulls but her and I can pretty much read each other’s thoughts, so I know she hates pit bulls. A lot.

“Still though. You can train a dog not to bite. It’s the owner’s fault.”, the white male said in his best Eminem voice.

I didn’t say anything back to them. I bought my $49.99 protein and left. But there was an uproarious debate about pit bulls between me and my jug of protein powder on the car ride home.

Dymatize Whey Isolate: “Yo, it’s not the breed though, it’s the owner.”

Me: “Dymatize. Have you ever heard of a sheep dog?”

Dymatize Whey Isolate: “Yes.”

Me: “Why do they call it a sheep dog?”

Dymatize Whey Isolate: “Because they herd sheep.”

Me: “Shit, you’re right. They’ve been bred to herd sheep so they just naturally herd sheep. Now Dymatize, have you ever heard of a Golden Retriever? Now why do you think they have the word ‘retriever’ in their name?”

Dymatize Whey Isolate: “I’m not liking your snarky attitude but I’d imagine it’s cuz they probably grab stuff and bring it to you.”

Me: Oh Dymatize I think you’re starting to catch on! Dogs are bred to do certain tasks. And some of those dogs even have what they were bred for in their name. It’s why certain breeds of dogs are used for hunting or protection. Because they have been bred for specific purposes. Now, why would they call a breed of dog a PIT BULL?”

Dymatize Whey Isolate: “Ease up on your tone son. And there’s a wrench in the trunk you can use to adjust your dickhead attitude with. But I dunno, maybe pit bulls were used to fight each other or other animals for sport, like in a pit or something.”

Me: “It’s like you know what I’m thinking Dymatize. But yes, you’re correct. And is it just a coincidence that practically all pit bull maulings happen with the dog taking the victim to the ground and then attacking their face and their neck to kill them? Do you think that maybe they were bred to do that or do you think the owners of all disobedient pit bulls taught them to attack that way?”

Dymatize Whey Isolate: “You know, you’ve made some pretty good points about dog breeds and why you should avoid buying a pit bull. How about you slip into your bathrobe while I make you an ice cold protein shake. We can watch a movie or some porn together.”

I know that pit bulls are a generalized term for a mixed breed of dogs but they were bred for fucking up other animals. It’s what they were made to do and denying that makes you an idiot. And when I Googled ‘pit bulls’ the first thing that popped up was that just the other day some lady was mauled to death by her pet pit bull that she had raised since it was a pup after her husband stepped out of the house for 15 minutes. Dogs operate according to the behaviors that they were bred for. I would imagine that if you only allowed sociopaths to breed with each other you would eventually end up with an entire race of Mark Zuckerbergs. It’s the same reason that there should be a law against redheads being allowed to marry each other.

In short, don’t buy a pit bull. I don’t care that you’ve never been bitten by one or you knew a really nice pit bull when you were a kid. The bastards are dangerous. Not every zoo that has lions has had somebody attacked by one of their lions, but it does happen. But the zoos that will never have a lion attack are the zoos that don’t have any lions. I should have said that to Dymatize.