Monday, August 27, 2007
Clint: He’s walking towards the DJ booth with a blonde and scrawny super nerd walking next to him. “Luke, this is the new DJ. I want you to show him the ropes and then let him do his own thing for a little while.”
Me: “Hi I’m Luke. So you have any experience being a DJ or working in a bar?”
Super Nerd: “Hey, my name’s Nick.” He says as he puts his hand out and we shake. “Nope. I’ve never worked in a bar before. By the way, did you go to North East when you were little?”
Me: “Yeah I did. I think I remember you now. I don’t mean to be rude, but weren’t you the kid that was a few grades ahead of me that had epilepsy?” I actually did remember him from when I was a kid. I remembered seeing him wearing a helmet out on the playground, so I was just assuming that he had epilepsy.
Nick: “Yeah that was me. I’ve got the whole seizure thing under control now though.”
Me: “Well I hope so. With all these strobe lights and shit I’d imagine it would be an epileptic’s nightmare to work in these conditions.” I wasn’t really trying to sound like an asshole, I was just being honest. I mean, what person with epilepsy would decide that it would be smart to work in a dance club?
Nick: “Well I haven’t had any troubles for like ten years now. So I think I’ve got it pretty well under control.”
Me: “What about alcohol. Can you drink?” I considered it standard initiation to get a person drunk on their first night of working at Lear Jet’s Night Club.
Nick: “Yeah I can drink alcohol. It doesn’t give me any problems at all.”
Me: “Great, let me go get some drinks. Gin and tonics on the house.” I walk over to the bar. There’s a rather attractive girl ordering drinks at the bar. I recognize her from my art class and I recall hearing that she isn’t exactly the sharpest sorority girl cheerleader on campus. I go behind the bar to mix my gin and tonics and to talk to this girl a little.
Me: “So what can I get you?”
Girl: “I’ll have a Keystone Light.” That right there told me that she was at least half retarded. Keystone is a shit-ass beer that should only be used to fertilize lawns, but in Nebraska it’s considered a delicacy.
Me: “Sure thing. Hey, don’t we have a class together?” I said as I pulled her bottle of carbonated swamp water out of the cooler and handed it to her. “Don’t worry, it’s on the house.”
Girl: “Yeah, I think we’re both in the same art class. You sit at the table right behind me. Your name’s Luke, right?” Score, she knows more about me than I know about her. Meaning that she’s either paid more attention to me than I have to her, or even better she has asked friends for more info about me.
Me: “You know I think you’re right. I do sit right behind you. What’s your name?” I was going into pig mode right now. It’s when I get into a frame of mind where my only focus is on getting some strange ass. On a side note, I no longer go into that pig mode anymore. I miss that way of thinking dearly.
Girl: “My name’s E (I won’t give her real name because I think she’s married with a kid now).”
Nick: “Luke, could you come up here for a second?” Nick says on the microphone from the DJ booth. The song had just ended and he probably didn’t know what to do next.
Me: “Just a second, I’ll be right back. You’re not going to go anywhere are ya?” I said to E as I walked over to the DJ booth.
Nick: “The song just ended and I don’t know what to do. What song should I play?” He seemed sort of panicked. So I decided that I would fuck with him a little bit.
Me: “Well it’s early and nobody’s even on the dance floor yet. So do you have any comedy CD’s or something like that? Just play that until more people get here and then you can play all that rap and hip-hop shit.” Nobody wants to hear comedy when they go to a nightclub. Most of all, nobody likes listening to a comedy CD unless they’re smoking weed or if they’re driving a semi. I was just messing with Nick. I showed him how to use the CD player and how the volume and buttons all worked. Then I walked back to my lady prey that was still waiting for me at the bar.
Just as soon as I got back behind the bar I heard Jeff fucking Foxworthy start talking on the speakers. Jesus H. Christ. Of all of the comedians in this world that are actually funny, why in the fuck would he choose to play Jeff Foxworthy.
E: “What the hell is this?” She said as she heard the first “you might be a redneck joke”.
Me: “Oh that’s just my Uncle Nick up there. He’s got some mental problems so I’ll just let him play whatever he wants for a while. I don’t want to cause him to have one of his tantrums again.”
E: “What’s wrong with him?”
Me: “Well it’s a long story really. You see he used to be one of the leading members of PETA. You know the organization against cruelty to animals? He was a hardcore vegetarian, wouldn’t wear leather, and all that other bullshit. Well being a member of PETA doesn’t exactly pay all that well, so he enlisted himself in the Army Reserves to help pay some of his bills.
Then when desert storm started in the early nineties, he was called to duty in Iraq. He had been trained as a sniper so he just assumed that he’d be snipering Iraqi soldiers, which he didn’t have any problem with. However the Iraqis used camels to deliver their weapons to other camps. Uncle Nick’s job was to sniper off these camels before they got to their destination. Now even though he said he wouldn’t have any trouble with shooting another man, shooting an innocent animal really fucked with his head.
As if shooting innocent animals wasn’t enough, when he was left out in the desert by himself for weeks at a time during missions, he actually had to survive by eating the camels that he had killed. He even had to slice one of them open and sleep inside of it during the cold nights. You know like Han Solo did with Luke Skywalker in the beginning of Empire Strikes Back?
Just imagine how much that must of fucked with his head. He’s a hardcore animal rights advocate and he had to slaughter hundreds of these innocent camels and then use their body’s for his own survival. Yeah, Uncle Nick’s been pretty fucking crazy ever since he got back from Desert Storm. He lives in my grandparents’ basement and he hasn’t had a job since 1993. So I figured I would hook him up with a job here.”
This entire story was being told while Jeff Foxworthy played in the background. I’m good at creating stories of total bullshit, but I consider this story to be one of my masterpieces. Especially considering the fact that I was just making it up as I went.
E: “Well that’s really sweet of you. Poor guy, he does sound like he’s kind of weird though.”
Me: “Well weird is an understatement. See PETA wouldn’t allow him to continue his membership because of what he did in Iraq. That basically took away his entire reason to live. He’s a strict vegetarian again, but he has this thing with killing animals now. You know that thing in the newspaper about all of those cows that were shot with a deer rifle from the road? Well don’t tell anybody, but my Uncle Nick admitted to me that he was the one that did it. He’s like an animal serial killer now but he still has this extreme love for animals. I think he might even have sex with the dead cows after he shoots them. Don’t say anything to him about any of this though. I don’t want him to get all pissed off and go back to being a total recluse in my grandparents’ basement again.” Holy shit this was a good yarn. There was no story of cows being shot from the road, but I knew this girl wasn’t the type that ever read the newspaper so I just took a chance and said it anyway.
E: “Wow, that is really fucked up. It does make him a little mysterious though. I think I’m going to go talk to him.”
Me: “Let him get situated first.” I said as I made her sit back down. “I mean I am training him to be a DJ and he needs to get used to being in the DJ booth on his own. Just wait ’til he starts playing the dance stuff and then go talk to him.” What the fuck was going on here? The way she said that last sentence made it seem as if she was a little interested in learning more about Nick, rather than being creeped out by him.
E: “I suppose you’re right. I don’t want to make him freak out or anything. Can I take his drink over to him?” I had forgotten all about the gin and tonic that I had promised Nick. Not only that, but if she talked to him right now then I would be busted and my entire bullshit story would have been all for nothing.
Me: “Actually I’ll take it over to him. I’ll tell him that you want to talk to him just so he’s prepared. I don’t think he’s talked to a girl since before the war.” I mixed up a gin and tonic and took it over to the DJ booth.
“Nick, here’s your drink. Look, that really hot girl with the tig ‘ol bitties at the bar wants to come over here and talk to you. She said she thinks you’re cute and that we sort of look alike. So I told her that you were my uncle and I told her that you were in the military and stuff. So please just go along with it and she might even go home with you.”
Nick: “I can’t take her home with me, I live with my grandparents. She is pretty hot though. What did you tell her about me?” Wow. This story was going to work after all.
Me: “I told her that you were a sniper during Desert Storm. She probably thinks that you’re in your early to mid thirties so you might have to lie about your age a little. Just go along with it though and she’ll more than likely fuck your brains out. How old are you anyway?” I was no longer concerned with trying to sleep with E. I was now on a good Samaritan mission of making her have sex with Nick.
Nick: “I just turned twenty-four. I don’t know if I want to sleep with her on the very first night that I meet her though.” Twenty-four years old and he lived with his grandparents. I was a few years younger and I even had my own place. I could also tell that he was pretty nervous about the idea of sleeping with a hot and seemingly labotimized sorority girl.
Me: I pretended that I didn’t hear a single word that he had just said. “Great. You know the plan of attack. I’m going to send her up here, okay?” I walked back over to where E was sitting and started talking to her.
“He said that he thinks you’re really hot and that he would love to talk to you. Just don’t mention any of that stuff I just told you about him. I’m pretty sure that he’d get kind of pissed if he knew that I told you all about his past.”
E: She quickly picks up her drink and walks over to the DJ booth to talk to my “Uncle Nick”.
Me: I just spent the rest of the night sitting at the bar and talking to Nate the bartender while watching E and Nick flirt with each other. I actually felt a little proud of myself for doing something so unselfish as to hook up a super nerd with a truly attractive moron. I’m not sure where the two of them went at the end of the night, but they did leave the bar together.
Actually now that I think about it, what kind of sick and demented fucked in the head kind of girl would be attracted to a guy after hearing a story like that? What a fucking idiot. I hope those two love birds fucked all night in Nick’s grandparents’ basement and had half a dozen mutated tard babies together. There are some sick motherfuckers in this world. It’s funny how many of them seem to end up in Nebraska.
Ever since that night, Nick would only be referred to as Uncle Nick in the Lear’s Jets Night Club. Even now people still call that guy Uncle Nick. I don’t think he’s ever heard the whole story behind how he got that nickname, but I’m sure it would only make him more proud of his title as my Uncle Nick.