Star Wars: A Disney Story

Sorry George, come back

Oh wow, a new Star Wars movie is opening on Friday. Normally I would be putting on my cum diapers and buying tickets to cheer like a Kindergartner to the sounds of laser swords making “woong! wung! wong!” noises swinging through the air but for some reason I don’t care at all. Oh wait, now I remember why I don’t care. It’s because The Last Jedi was the most disappointing and personally ass blasting piece of shit garbage movie that I have ever seen. Don’t get me wrong, the movie looks good. Children and mongoloids love clapping to 4k pictures of porgs but they’re incapable of following a story, but it looks good. The Last Jedi is the perfect example of a chocolate covered AIDS dick. It looks yummy but as soon as you swallow it you’re full of AIDS and it ruins your love for something from your childhood, which is chocolate, and it also fucks you in the ass.

I am not a religious man but I would be willing to pay upwards of $2000 for a lock of Rian Johnson’s hair for the purpose of making a voodoo doll in his likeness to drive needles into his eyeballs for writing and directing The Last Jedi. I know what you’re going to say, “Y-yer just a toxic male that hates Disney’s New Wars because of its strong female characters!” Nope, let me quickly lay out why Rian Johnson’s script belongs in the Smithsonian next to the Holocaust exhibit for coming in second place to Hitler’s disrespect for humanity. The Last Jedi is cockpoo, garbage, absolute trash.

Are you a Star Wars fan? Good. So following The Last Jedi, please tell me what is the plot of the new sequels? Did that stump you? Because that question stumped me. Or wait, Rey is the main character of these new sequels, what is her motivation for fighting against the First Order? Yeah, I got nothing there either. This third installment of the sequels should be called Hurricane Katrina because it’s dead in the fucking water. The Force Awakens set up the whole story as the Empire was making a comeback and now calls itself the First Order and Luke Skywalker was the only hope for the rebels to defeat them. Skywalker was hiding on a bumfuck nowhere planet that could only be found on some map that required a code because Skywalker is a fucking badass that couldn’t be bothered with the petty troubles of youngling bitches, then they cracked the code and R2D2 lit up and started beeping because Skywalker was near, and we were left with the scene of Rey handing Luke his light saber. Holy shit I am rock hard! It was a somewhat predictable but satisfying ending that left us excited to see Luke Skywalker in the next movie. Us Star Wars elders were aware that The Force Awakens was just a rehash of A New Hope, but we didn’t care, it felt good to see a Star Wars movie that felt like a Star Wars movie, the prequels just didn’t feel like Star Wars.

How does The Last Jedi end? Luke Skywalker unceremoniously poofs into thin air after thinking himself to death and the rebels get away. Wowzers, what a zinger. And what did we learn from the movie? Kylo may have been lying but Rey is a nobody. Snoke was the leader of the First Order but he was a nobody that shouldn’t be explained. Princess Leia can fly and survive the vacuum of space if she has enough heroin in her system. Luke Skywalker is no longer the optimistic nice guy and most powerful Jedi in the galaxy but became a beta male NEET that weans himself on sea walruses even when a girl is watching. Oh, and Star Wars has been turned into a Marvel Avengers-esque quip fest full of knee slappers. Yes it’s a space fantasy movie but Star Wars always had that lore and seriousness to it. When The Last Jedi began with ships dropping bombs in zero gravity outer space and Poe calling Hux to say “who dis? why it’s yo momma!” and Finn is walking around in a silly billy water suit that’s making silly billy squishy sounds I really did stop the movie to see if I was watching some sort of parody that had been included with the movie. But no. The movie was mindless trash made for idiot children to watch while they peed on the floor and chewed the upholstery off of their dad’s favorite chair.

I usually find a way to watch big movies before they come out in theaters because I don’t mind watching a cam rip that was recorded on an Iphone 3 with Korean subtitles and horrible sound and people walking in front of the screen, but I haven’t seen The Rise of Skywalker yet and I don’t plan on putting in any effort to see it either. I’ll just wait until it’s on Netflix or something and have it on in the background while looking at porn on my phone. I don’t expect the movie to be any good either. I expect it to be one long apology for The Last Jedi by slapping as many nostalgia inducing scenes and characters into it and reminding the fans that ‘oh my god this is like the last Star Wars movie that won’t go directly to Disney+ so watch it in the theater’. Rey will be a relative of Emperor Palpatine because what a shocker that would be. Kylo will become a good guy and then probably die. Yada yada yada.

I’m just venting. The Last Jedi tanked Star Wars and my asshole gets super itchy whenever I talk to somebody that likes the movie but are unable to understand why it’s such horrible story telling. I expect The Rise of Skywalker to be an even bigger chocolate covered AIDS dick with Cadbury Creme Egg testicles filled with bubonic plague. I love Cadbury Creme Eggs and now Star Wars is going to ruin that for me too.

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