If there is ever a zombie apocalypse then you bastards better protect me from getting bitten. Because if my skeleton can be this goddamn mean to me then I don’t even want to imagine the horrible things it would do to you. What I have is a bad case of a very common condition called costochondritis. Costochondritis is the swelling of the joints where your ribs connect to your sternum and spine. It is a constant dull ache all up and down my sternum and along my spine in my upper back. It feels like a cross between receiving a bear hug and having a heart attack 24 hours a day. In fact, Dr. Internet said that 1/3 of all people that go to the emergency room thinking that they’re having a heart attack end up being diagnosed with costochondritis.

The condition is pretty common and you’ve probably had it before. You know how your ribs get a little sore after you’ve been sick and coughing for days like a degenerate marijuana addict? That’s costochondritis. But if you injure your ribs doing something like, say, lifting overly heavy weights seven days a week for several months on end then the damage to your cartilage can be more severe and it can take a long time for your ribs to heal. According to Dr. Internets it could take up to 2 years to heal if it ever does heal at all. Apparently some people get a life sentence with this shit.

While abstaining from being a stranger to danger you must be chanting the Vedic hymn of “no pain no gain”, and I am no stranger to that lifestyle nor the dangers it contains. It’s why my apartment is a literal shithole, I live in hell. A wise YouTuber once uttered the words “seek discomfort” and as long as I live in this dungeon, discomfort is guaranteed with every moment that my eyes are open.

Anyway, back to my ribs. My ribs are being real assholes to me. I read that the only way to treat costovaginas is to take painkillers until it heals. But what if I have the kind that takes 2 years to heal or it doesn’t heal at all? I take painkillers for life? I hate painkillers and I don’t trust them. You hear of people dying in pain but you don’t hear of people dying from pain, and I’ve never heard of someone dying because they didn’t take painkillers. I know that if I started taking opiates that would be it for me. I would be strung out AND living in a shithole apartment in the middle of nowhere. In no way can I let that happen.

And fucking alcohol doesn’t even work! Getting tipsy makes me forget about how much my ribs hurt but as soon as I move or lay down it feels like Rowdy Roddy Piper just clapped me with a goddamn Brainbuster. I totally freak out when I lay on my back for too long because the pressure on the dumbass rib in my upper back makes it hurt to breath. True story, a few weeks ago I had a filling put in at the dentist and she was so freaked out by my face cringing with pain that she thought she was fucking things up. So she stopped short. Now that filling feels like I’m sucking off the Human Torch every time I take a sip of my hot green tea, because yes, I’m drinking green tea now and also yes, it’s organic. I’m not saying that I’m a vegan that only eats cum and cabbage I’m just saying that I drink organic green tea every morning instead of coffee now. It’s good and my little tum-tum feels better when I drink it.

I just wanted to complain for a while. I’d like to say that I feel better now but I don’t. It’s cold outside and for whatever reason the cold air makes my ribs feel ten times worse. I hope that everyone that I know will one day be forced to suffer from costcofajitas. All of them.