Author: lucascox

THAT’S [insert your agenda here]-PHOBIC!!!!

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Unlike the evil munchkin handed orangutan colored President that is the result of the extreme leftists being too forceful with their opinions, I am not a bully.

So I want to give my condolences to the majority of my Facebook friends that are personally offended over the ruling of transgendered people no longer being allowed to volunteer to serve in the military. I know that most of the art and theatre majors that I went to school with either have purple hearts from being wounded in combat or maybe this ruling has crushed their lifelong dreams of possibly dying overseas to defend the very government that they constantly complain about as being evil, but I get it. Dreams are trampled on everyday and it sucks when those dreams are yours.

I know how it feels man, or woman, or they, or them. I have never been allowed to serve in the military because I was diagnosed with asthma as a child and then I got some boo-boos from a car wreck in high school. I workout vigorously with weights everyday, and it shows, it really shows, but that still isn’t enough to prove to our evil government that I am war mode ready. Despite my inability to remember the last time I had an asthma attack the government still won’t take the chance of having to spend the extra money on asthma medication or somehow having my condition compromise the lives of others. So I know what it’s like to be robbed of the opportunity of waking up everyday at 5:00AM to be yelled at by R. Lee Ermey while running obstacle courses to eventually end up in a foreign country where opposing soldiers will stop at nothing to kill me. Even if joining the military is a choice and not a requirement or a right, I feel for you.

It is understandable as to why the military would refuse to put a person as physically debilitated as me in as quarterback of the platoon because of the 1% chance of me needing to take a puff of albuterol during battle. But there is no reason that a person that requires weekly hormone injections and most likely needing a complicated gender reassignment surgery in the future should not be considered 100% trustworthy in battle and in no way would they be a financial liability. It is ridiculous to believe that the ruling would be anything other than a social insult against a minority that the hyper liberal media sources were swooping in on to boost their ratings and ‘likes’ on Facebook. Ratings and Facebook ‘likes’ lead to extra revenue but any high moral media that opposes the current government to maintain their faithful viewers would never do that, this is America.

Look, there are valid reasons for the government to not allow transgendered people into the military. The list of reasons that you cannot join the military is longer than you’d think, and things like having an excessive overbite are on that list. The now transgendered people that served in the military that are speaking out against it were not transitioning into the other gender while they were in the military, they are only speaking out against it because of social justice points and to get money from CNN and Huffington Post.

I also want to add that the military is not in place as a means of social experimentation or proving your point. It is there to defend the people that live in the United States. Boycotting Chick-Fil-A because some CEO made his remarks on gay marriage known and expressing your need for EVERYONE to be treated equal by allowing anyone into the military are two different things. ISIS and other military factions do not give a shit about your “proving them wrong” social justice by your partaking in the military without meeting the guidelines, that bullshit does not belong in the defense of a nation. If you hate super machismo douche bags that go to bars with the intention of fighting scrawny pussies because they scare you then do yourself and the rest of the country a favor, send those machismo douche bags to the army while you stay at home.

It is not a right to join the military, it is not mandatory to join the military, and you don’t even want to join the military anyway. Stop jumping on everything and blowing it up to be something that it isn’t. The liberals and left wingers are completely fucking nuts and have jumped the ship and are swimming in retard waters, and the only complaint they’d make about his sentence is that I used the word ‘retard’.

PS: I voted for Hilary.

The Housefly’s Fatwa on an American Man

Up until one and a half days ago, I have survived this sweaty summer with no air conditioning in my Builder’s Warehouse sized and themed apartment. I didn’t mind it either. My monthly utilities bills were nil, I drank more water, and the outdoorsy feeling of having all of my windows open was nice. According to my trusty atomic clock with a temperature gauge that I bought at a Sam’s Club in 2005, the average temp in my living room this summer was 86.5°, but I never believed that my clock was correct because it was a wet heat. But the air conditioner guy came along and fixed it and the current temperature is 71.2° and I’m not so sure that I like it, and now I have another problem on my hands that I’m being forced to deal with.

Anyway, are you old enough to remember those TV commercials that begged you to donate your money to starving people in Africa? Remember how they would show skeleton people living in mud huts and flies would land right on there face while they stared into the camera, and none of them would make any effort to shoo-shoo the fly away? These people would completely ignore a fly as it crawled across the full length of their face, nearly crawling into one of their eyes or their mouth. Now I’m only speaking from personal experience, there’s no scientific data here, but apparently a human’s lack of response to flies is directly correlated to the amount of heat that the human is living in. I say this because now that all of my windows are closed and the temperature of my surroundings is livable again, I am fully aware of the ridiculous amount of flies that are trapped inside of my apartment.

I know that these flies were buzzing around my apartment while my windows were open because they are flying around at increasingly slower speeds because they’re starving and low on energy, so they’ve been in here for some time and I just wasn’t noticing them. What’s worse is my discovery of flies having conscious thoughts because these flies obviously know that they are nearing death. They have now dedicated what few hours or single day that they have left of their lives to committing suicide in an effort to kill me.

It all began this morning around 9:00 AM. I was sipping my pre-workout of 20 ounces of cold coffee with two tablespoons of cacao powder and 15g of whey protein in it because the caffeine and theobromine will tune you in better than smoking a full bowl of crack and the lil’ nip of whey makes you buff as all shit. If your beanbag is big enough to drink a mixture like that then I hope you have a veterinarian on speed dial because your pythons are about to get SICK. So I’m sipping my poopy tasting pre-workout out of a shaker cup and I decide to take the lid off. I probably had maybe two sips of it and a fly lands directly in the middle of the liquid and it doesn’t even struggle, it just begins to sink. It was an obvious attempt at ending my life by an extremist fly. So my whole pre-workout concoction was ruined unless I chose to take the risk of disease or choking to death by drinking it anyway. No, I poured it down the sink and just had a plain ass cup of bitter black coffee instead.

I’m working out now and the coffee has got my blinkers blinking but not quite as well as my secret pre-workout mix that is so strong it can kill a dog would, and I’m not even joshing you about it being able to kill dogs. I don’t josh when it comes to joshes like that and I’m a notorious josher. Okay, so I’m doing some ass to grass squats to build my goddamn quads and bulk my gorilla squat ass and not one, but five flies take turns landing on my head. Two flies would land on my head every time I tried to squat while the other three perched themselves on the window curtain in wait. Then those two flies would leave my head and switch places with two other flies on the curtain, and the third fly was coaching the attack and would sometimes “get in there” to show the other four flies how it’s done. These flies obviously met up in my bathroom and coordinated an assault on my noodle. They probably read my little dry erase board with my workout routine on it and specifically chose to attack while I was performing the most difficult exercise, the godly squat.

An hour goes by and I’m done working out now and boy oh boy am I spent. I do drink a protein shake or two everyday, but not always. I’m doing the low carb thing so instead of a shake I decide to have a cheap hamburger patty with some whole milk greek yogurt mixed with chives and sriracha sauce on top; it’s odd but oddly delicious. So I open up my freezer and open the bag of hamburgers and a single “we love death as Israel loves life” Palestinian fly glides directly into my bag of burgers. It instantly freezes itself to the top hamburger patty, the very patty that I was about to reach for. I’m angry now but I just say “King Kong ain’t got shit on me!” and I cook it and eat it anyway.

Alright, so it’s a few hours later and I’m hungry again. I’m a short man with a tall appetite and I go back to my fridge to feed these freshly squatted quads and butt cheeks. I open the refrigerator door, I pull out my little vegetable crisper shelf to take out some radishes and lettuce, and what the fuck? Two flies swoop beneath my arm and successfully helicopter land directly onto my radishes. My fucking radishes. There are few things in this world that can tame the tummy better than a tasty radish and two jihadi houseflies buzzed “Almond Snackbar!” and land, they land on my fucking radishes. I’ve got money but I’m not ‘toss radishes in the dumpster’ rich, so I washed them and ate them anyway. With lettuce and a baby bowl of cottage cheese.

Then tonight when I’m getting ready for bed and typing this, and as I said I’m going low carb but that doesn’t include carbs that come with alcohol, so I’m pouring my little cup of vodka and water with a squirt of lime. I’m in my kitchen using a shot glass to measure the amount of vodka I put in because I don’t know why, that seems really stupid now that I’ve typed it out that I use a shot glass to measure my own vodka. I’m serving this drink made from my own vodka to myself and I’m still measuring it with a shot glass. Why? Anyway, I pour a shot glass of vodka and guess who stops by for a drink? That’s right, another “kill nonbelievers wherever you find them” fly. The little fucker doesn’t land in my slightly bigger baller glass but it lands directly in my teensy shot glass of vodka. This fly did it. This was the last fly that I was willing to handle today. So yeah, I didn’t pick out the fly or pour the shot of vodka down the drain. I poured the shot of vodka with the fly into my mouth and swallowed it. It was my proclamation of war. It was my way of taking it back. When I say “it” I mean my enormous lavish apartment.

The window curtain in my kitchen is covered in flies. There are two dead or nearly dead flies in my kitchen sink. There is a dead fly in my toilet. I know that they are starving because I take my trash out fairly often. My apartment doesn’t stink because it contains trash, it stinks because it contains me. These flies don’t belong here. Everything in this apartment was placed here by me and for me. My beliefs and actions made this apartment into the glorious shithole that it is, not these flies. I will protect this apartment from the jihadist flies and their ideology of death and regurgitating on food before they eat it. As God is my witness. Amen.

People That Pee in Glass Toilets Shouldn’t Shit Bricks

FaggotCelebrating diversity is a wonderful sign that a person is compassionate, intelligent, and holds genuine empathy for the societal pains of people from every corner of the Earth. Yet, if a person should acknowledge any identifiable differences between groups of people either verbally or in written form, then that person is a racist and a homophobe and must be silenced. And we should stand by our handicaps and weakest links and censor anyone that makes a statement that hurts our feelings.

That is the current retardation amongst the hard left leaning thinkers in America.

Laws are only made by the government to suppress the rights of its citizens. That’s why gaylord marriages, marijuana, any fun drugs other than booze and tobacco, beaners and dune coons, all things of negro relation except Will Smith, and welfare should be outlawed and heavily enforced by our government. And there should be no gun laws whatsoever because criminals will get guns anyway, but if you tell perverts that it’s illegal to go into the lady’s room then that law will strike the fear of GOD into them and they will obey it.

That is the extra chromosome carried by the hard leaning right thinkers in America.

There are always two sides to every argument and the answer tends to be somewhere in the middle. Every argument, like the bullshit arguments that are constantly being waged between the Conservatives and Liberals, aka Republicans and Democrats, will have people that are so polarized in their opinions that it makes them the equivalent of mongoloids in a Barnes and Noble; they should either stay in the children’s section or they’ve got no fucking business being there. They have no logic to add to the argument and they just end up being interfering background noise.

I’m relating all of this to the government recently enforcing that all school bathrooms allow a chick-with-a-dick to use a urinal and that a not-so-macho-brochacho be allowed to ash his cigarettes in the tampon bin while he takes a shit. I think I may have gotten those scenarios backwards or maybe they’re both in the process of going from cock to cock socket, but you see what I’m saying.

Anyway, both sides of the argument are valid. On the conservative side, a boy has a pee-pee and a girl has a yum-yum. So if you have a pee-pee on your body, you relieve yourself in the little boy’s room. If you have a yum-yum then you drain your baby baker in the little girl’s room. It’s real fucking simple and it’s been working for the majority of us since the invention of indoor plumbing and DNA.

On the Liberal side, not everyone is born with a brain that matches their pee-pee or their yum-yum. There is already some science behind this and as technology progresses so does science. So we’re finding out more about the link between the brain and gender. For much of time gender identity has been bullshit, but the scientific process follows the path of turning bullshit into shit and then shit into things we’re pretty sure of and then probably turning it into a fact. The gender identity thing is between the ‘shit’ and ‘things we’re pretty sure of’ phase, so there’s a good chance that it will someday be a fact. Only polarized morons and nitro-religious assholes make it part of their belief system to deny facts. I won’t agree that gender is a social construct though. Gender roles might be a social construct but not your actual gender. We’ll leave that argument for the man hating carpet munching gender studies feminists to decide though.

When I go into a bathroom I go there to take a piss in privacy or to avoid people. If you are concerned about the genetic equipment that the other people in the bathroom are carrying then that’s all your fucking problem. I definitely have a train cart full of qualms about people blaming gender roles for their problems, but that still doesn’t make me give a rat’s ass about who is pooping in the stall next to me.

Bathroom laws won’t stop perverts because perv’s are gonna vert no matter what laws exist. I’ve seen guys in the men’s room that I was weary of and I just peed in a stall instead. And I’ve had girls look at me funny while I was in the women’s room so they ran out the door and left me to finish masturbating in the sink by myself. It’s harmless. If you look like a Chad and you think you’re a Chad then go in the bro’s room, if you look like a Britney and you think you’re a Britney then go in the sexy grills’ room. It’s been that way forever and that’s the way it should be. Just respect other peoples’ opinion of what gender you are and if you want to be some “gender fluid” bullshit then that’s your own fucking problem and shut up. If you look like a guy then don’t go in the ladies’ room and visa versa.

And the talk of making a separate bathroom for transexuals; no. There should be a separate bathroom for people that don’t want to go to the bathroom with other people. That way if you’re uncomfortable you can use that single bathroom with the single toilet. And of course there will be a line to use it because everyone will want that toilet. I don’t even care about the other people in the bathroom because I don’t go in there to look at everyone else’s tackle, but a single bathroom would allow me to release my inner grizzly when taking a shit in public. The quiet, the privacy. I could stomp my feet and scream while baring down on getting that brown bastard out of my butt.

Oh, and if you’re some fuck face parent that’s complaining about transexuals showering or being in the same changing room as your school aged kids, fuck you for not remembering what your childhood was like. Avoiding nudity in the locker room and skipping out on taking gym showers with others was top priority unless you were a young Shaquille O’ Neil. And seeing that all of the fat American youngsters have a pair of preteen milk duds because of the candy you feed them, every fat kid looks like a transexual nowadays. Being made fun of in the shower would be good for them. They might be embarrassed enough to stop eating doughnuts and their tears would ruin their keyboards and Iphones and force them to go outside.

On a final note, I do find it really fucking stupid that there are people that believe that this should be enforced by the government. It is a form of segregation, but businesses should be allowed to determine their own bathroom rules. If you don’t like the rules of a business, you don’t bitch like a little child and try to close it for everyone, instead, you go to another business. The rules a business chooses will either cause that business to fail or prosper. That is capitalism in action. Demanding that all businesses have to do the exact same thing, that’s socialist economics. Socialism works in government services but not in business. And if you have the right to choose your gender then why don’t other people have the right to choose their reaction to it so long as it’s not violent? And if someone feels more comfortable shitting in the same bathroom that you do and you are uncomfortable with it, then you should find a new bathroom, not them. It isn’t a war, it’s a compromise.

This whole thing is a non issue and if you have strong feelings towards it then you are one of the polarized fuck faces that is making this country suck. Christ, I listened to way too much NPR and Fox News this weekend.

Everyone Loves the Smell of Their Own Farts

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The root of all human behavior is every individual’s need to feel important. Why do you check Facebook every 5 minutes to see how many “likes” a post you made has gotten? Because “likes” make you feel important. Why do you want a bigger house and nicer car than everyone else? It makes you look important. Why does everyone want to be a movie star? Because famous people are important. Why do most bosses flex their nuts on their employees by exerting their managerial powers when they’re feeling down? It reinforces their inner need to be important. Why do smelly people that believe in mysticism tell you that they were some amazing person and not a normal schmoe in a past life? Because even though their life sucks huge dicks at the moment, they can assure you, and they don’t need any proof, and they can’t provide any proof except some anecdotal bullshit, and you weren’t alive to see it, but they were really important in the past. Why am I masturbating at the thought of people having read this far into something that I’ve written? Because you are making me feel important and I am singing the sign language song titled ‘Whackin’ Me Off’ in your praise.

It’s sort of depressing if you look at it from the surface, but we really are just a bunch of dumb animals that are running off of a primal social instinct for wanting other people to think we’re great and there is no such thing as an unselfish act. There is such a thing as making a sacrifice for others but even those are done because of the recognition and cheers that those sacrifices receive. Everything you do and ever will do is a means of satisfying your inner need of having a purpose and especially having a purpose that others are aware of and are hopefully jealous of, because the only thing better than being important to other people is being more important than other people.

You could ask, “But what about uhhmmm, Tibetan monks? They live all alone up in Bumfuck Mountainville and they don’t even have like walkie-talkies.” Well those guys are fully aware that other people recognize them as being extra special monk people and even the Dalai Lama says that “the very purpose of life is to live a meaningful life”. In other words he’s saying you should be important to others through your actions, or in more other words, everything that I’ve been talking about so far. Shit, you know how some people say they just want to live a quiet life with a steady job and get married and have kids? Well how do you keep a steady job? By being important to your boss. Who is at least supposed to be the most important person to a husband or wife? Their husband or wife. And who’s the most important people in a child’s life? Their parents. You’re fucked no matter how you look at it. Everything you do in life is like a shitty little whimper saying, “hey guys, please look at me” or your more grandiose actions that scream, “Witness Me!”

Oh my gosh! What about love? True and pure selfless love for another human being?! Okay, so you love another person more than anything in the world, but for some reason or another you are no longer important to them. So they have sex with somebody else and ignore you and you leave them. Why did you leave them? Because they didn’t make you feel important anymore. So you run off and find someone new that will tell you how important you are. And they become important to you because they are a constant reminder of how important you are. Fuck’s sake, I’m getting depressed just typing this.

So anyway, I talk and complain about this too much, but all of this political crap lately really has me focusing on the bullshit of this younger generation that has fooled itself into believing that it is the first unselfish generation. When you are “fighting for the rights of the weak” or “standing up to bullies” or “showing your pride for who you are”, you are only doing it because it gains attention and satisfies your personal boner for feeling important. Even the word “pride” means inner satisfaction from one’s own achievements or having qualities and possessions that are admired by others. Stop sucking your own dick by being a social justice warrior that fights wrong doings through social media and by using your own “privilege” for the sake of others that don’t have those supposed privileges. Don’t claim that you’ll use your college degree to fight for the poor; instead, step aside and pay for someone else to go to college because their family is unable to afford it like yours can. Don’t buy yourself a new car but buy a poor person a new car instead. Then maybe I’ll believe you, even though you’ll still be doing it because it makes you feel important to the person that you’re buying it for and that you’ll be able to brag about it on Facebook.

Look at the cameras on phones now. Every person in America has a high definition camera on them at all times and what does everyone take a picture of? Themselves. They don’t take pictures of sunsets or suffering people or the things that are affecting them and others, they point the camera at themselves at a downward angle to make themselves look thinner and show their cleavage and then take a picture of them making a stupid face. Then they post it on their page and repeatedly check back to see how many “likes” it’s gotten. I love reading the pleas for kindness and justice for others on somebody’s Faceblog sheet and then seeing that they have 14 folders of selfies in their picture thingy. I mean, fuck you. Fuck you big time. At least be a little more honest with yourself if not everyone else. Nobody is promoting real change or action. They are promoting their face and their name as being something bigger than who they are. They are trying to convince others to think that they are important.

Also, notice how every politician is suddenly concerned with the “little people” whenever election time comes around? They’re talking about things like “what’s good for main street” and paychecks and unemployment and all the little shit that we deal with because they’re trying to make us feel important to them. And guess what? We’re not.

Trump is catering to a gullible lower class by saying simple things like “they took ‘er jobs!” and “fuck mudslimes!”, and Bernie is catering to a gullible middle class by saying things like “this will be free” or “that will be free” and “everything will be free”, and Clinton is just another politician that’s throwing out the usual shit. The shit that politicians say during every election cycle is always different, but it’s always shit. And for some reason the shit is really thick and a little too dark to see through in this election, and judging from Facebook and news articles there is an unusual amount of people that actually believe in all of that political shit and preach it through their own brand of shit.

I said in my last post that I like Trump, and I do in certain ways. I really like the Trumplestiltskin books but I’m not a big fan of Trumplestiltskin the president, especially after seeing him in the diarrhea bukake facefuck that has also been called the last Republican debate. Trump and everyone else were horrible in that debate. And on the other side of the toilet everything Bernie Sanders says sounds great but he has just as much explanation of how he’ll pull it all off as Trump does about making America great again. And Clinton is just another run of the mill politician.

I have to throw this in there. If you are a Republican that is constantly calling Hilary a liar, you’re probably right, no, you are right, but you cannot continue to throw the Benghazi thing at her as if the Republicans proved she was lying. You don’t completely fuck up a trial or questioning by disproving your own argument and then continue to proclaim that you are right, unless the argument is taking place on a kindergarten playground. If you ever want to see an 11 hour Saturday Night Live skit then watch the Benghazi hearing. I watched 5 hours of it live and the rest of it in pieces afterwards, and it was an absolute shit show that made me genuinely laugh at times. They proved that she didn’t know about the attacks ahead of time (unlike what some candidates are saying), they proved that she really was originally told that it was caused by a Youtube video, it was proven that she had provided extra reinforcements with plans of providing more, they proved that every politician including the very people in the Benghazi committee have a personal email except John Kerry, and the entire hearing proved that current Republicans are the dumbest people in the room, any room. They proved that Hilary would make a better president than any Republican. That’s why Trump is winning. He is different and he is a gigantic fuck you to the establishment. And he’s really good at making poorer people feel important. Almost as important as Bernie Sanders makes them feel. Because Trump is saying mean things that make angry people feel important and Sanders is saying kind and gentle things that make the disappointed people feel important, and I’m a skeptic that isn’t believing any of it.

Okay, I’m going to re-watch the last episode of “Breaking Bad” and go to bed. But really put a lot of thought and importance into who you are going to vote for, because they will be the next president that the next round of candidates will blame for all the things that were never done, but they will be the president that will get things done for you …because you are important.

Chick-Fil-A is Delicious and the Homobutt Movement is Now Digging Its Own Grave

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I doubt that I’ll be able to say everything that I want to say in this post, but I’ll try. So a majority of the UNK student body voted to have Chick-Fil-A as the new shitty fast food place on campus. I’m relatively unaffected by this because I am no longer a student and I’ve never lived on campus, but Chick-Fil-A is delicious and I probably would have walked over there and gotten take-out every now and then. That’s a testament to fast food because I can count on my fingers how many times I eat shitty fast food in a year, but Chick-Fil-A really is pretty good.

Despite receiving a majority vote, which is how democratic voting works, a minority of students, namely them gay types, demanded that Chick-Fil-A not be allowed to open a restaurant on campus and won. This is because of a fairly benign comment made by the Chick-Fil-A CEO four years ago on how he believed in old school marriage. I’m all for gay rights but with the current PC Extremist movement sweeping virtually every school in America right now, I’d think at some point these overly sensitive dumbshits would realize that they have become the biggest opponents of free speech and personal beliefs. I think super religious people are brainwashed idiots but these victims of naughty looks and “micro aggressions” imposed on them by evil CIS scum like myself are now the most regressive group in the country. I understand sticking up for yourself but when you refuse people the right to run a business because one of their bosses said something, they didn’t do something but they simply said something harmless that they personally believe, then you are the censoring asshole. And if you’re going to tell me that it’s a case of the oppressed becoming the oppressor then congratulations, you’ve just named your group as being the biggest retards in the room.

The term ‘oppressed becoming the oppressor’ is another saying for a backlash. When a door swings too far to the right then it is going to come back and swing too far to the left. This will happen until shit evens out and the door is eventually closed. Right now that door is swung way over to the fucking left and nominees like Trump and Sanders will probably be the norm until the door comes more towards the middle again.

And all of this gender identity bullshit too. You know, I saw this thing on John Oliver where they interviewed an obvious man that was transitioning into a woman and was being interviewed by some news channel. They said he was a transgendered woman and the weather man said, “So wait. Is she a man or a woman?” Then John Oliver acted like that guy was an idiot for asking that.

John Oliver is funny as hell but fuck him for doing that because that is an issue. Being a child of the 80’s I never thought that I would say that I know more than one transgendered person personally but oddly I do. The thing is that you are only transgendered while you are switching over to the opposite gender and the whole point of the transgendering or whatever you want to call it is to become the opposite gender. So wouldn’t you just want to identify as the opposite gender rather than labeling yourself as in between? Because that’s the whole point of the process. Just fucking choose whether you are a man or a woman and people will be fine with it. You don’t have a corner on the market when it comes to feeling awkward in your own body and you’re not allowed to invent new imaginary labels to define yourself and then demand that everyone knows these imaginary labels if they don’t want to be called simple minded. I mean, fuck you for being such self absorbed little shits. Pansexual? Just say you’re willing to fuck everything. Bisexual? Sounds like a toned down version of pansexual. Gender fluid? I spray gender fluid on a girl’s face after I pull out.

Let me talk about election stuff for a second. I am an independent voter. And I am a real independent voter because I have voted both Democrat and Republican because it’s a fucking democracy and I hate people that refuse to celebrate that fact by choosing ahead of time on which party they’re going to vote for. Hardcore Republicans just love to proclaim that some Democrat or Liberal is like Hitler, but if an all American Hitler is ever elected it will be because the followers of his/her party will blindly vote for them based on their party and not on what they say.

Anyway, real briefly here; about Trump and Bernie. Trump is the result of the politically correct movement that this young generation of pussies is enforcing on everyone and Sanders is the result of Obama voters not getting the change they were promised. While these two candidates are extreme opposites, everyone seems to be missing the wonderful fact that neither candidate is the front runner that their own party wants. I am on the fence between the two because I have read all of Donald Trump’s books and I must admit that I am a bit of fanboy bitch with him. He really does understand how the economy works and it pisses me off that he isn’t pushing that more. I think it was in his book “Why We Want You to Be Rich” that he gave a whole spiel about how stupid the people in our government were and that he would love to fix the American economy because he owes America everything he has. That book is over a decade old too. He also said in “The Art of the Deal” that the key to gaining attention and stealing it from others is to continuously say outlandish things in the press, and that he would be in the headlines his entire life because he knows that to be true. I admire him for living up to his own words in that sense. Another fun fact is that in the early 90’s while Trump and some rich asshole friends were in a limousine going to a Paula Abdul concert, they saw a man mugging another man with a baseball bat. Trump made the limo driver stop the car and Trump stopped the mugger and then went to the Paula Abdul concert like nothing happened. When a journalist asked Trump about the mugging all he said was, “I didn’t think you guys would find out about that.” That’s a true story, look it up.

I also like Bernie Sanders because while I realize that his plans are just as out there as Trump’s plan to build the Great Wall of Houston, I do like his attitude. I think we need someone with a his attitude in the White House. Maybe not as President but in the White House. Because I agree that healthcare needs to be free to the public and now that a college degree is about the same as a high school degree, college education needs to be affordable. With student loans hovering around the $1 trillion mark I can tell you that if the job market takes a serious sudden hit and a majority of those students are unable to pay their loans then this country will immediately be shot into another economic collapse. Well, it won’t exactly work like that but it’ll still be a collapse, and that’s the only reason I support increasing the minimum wage as a cushion to catch those students and soften the blow.

But here’s my big issue with the Bernie followers. When I see his supporters standing in line at Starbucks and using their iPhone to make posts on Facebook and Twitter about how evil corporations are and how capitalism is wrong; I just can’t stop shaking my head at how fucking stupid they are. Everything they own is the result of corporations and capitalism. These people have absolutely no idea as to how the economy works and why the economy is the source of every problem and solution that this country faces. You know why so many black people are living in poverty? Because decades ago they were forced to live in the shittiest parts of the city. There’s no jobs or opportunity in the shittiest parts of a city and if you expect the city to throw all of their money into improving a part of the city that has a history of producing nothing, then you should move to another city because that one is about to go broke. Spending a majority of government money on bringing up the bottom class sounds great in theory but it’s more like a case of the failed “No Child Left Behind” plan being thrown onto the country as a whole. America is not on the gold standard and if we went back to the gold standard then this country would sink for an endless list of reasons. The U.S. has a currency and our gold is our economy and the output of American businesses. Our government already taxes the living shit out of businesses because that’s our government’s gold, and that’s what needs to be dealt with.

 

Fuck it. I’m going to go lift some weights now. Because I identify as a man. Goddammit.

The “I Refuse To Be a Gigantic Bleeding Pussy” Blog

Did you know that the odds of you having ever been born are 1 in 400,000,000,000,000? That’s supposed to say one in four hundred trillion in case I typed that big stupid number wrong. So through the chances of your parents being born from their parents and so on, your parents meeting and then choosing to have sweaty coitus together, you out racing the billions of other sperm to your mom’s eggs during the backstage Righteous Brother’s “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling” concert tour gangbang in which you were conceived, surviving the whole gestation period, and then surviving birth; you were born as the biggest lottery winner on Earth. Even if there are like 7.5 billion other birth lottery winners on Earth right now, that’s just a sign that too many couples are playing the lottery. And the odds of a 30 year old man dying from all things imaginable on any given day is 1 in 260,000 and a 30 year old woman’s odds are 1 in 583,000 (once again, fuck your feminist lies). So your odds of dying at any time are far better than the random cosmic chance of your existence and you’ve beaten all of those enormous odds up to this moment in time. So what the fuck is holding any of us back from dominating the planet?

For myself, not only was I born but I have died twice and managed to come back. I have beaten the odds of life and death on different occasions and the fact that I’m not drooling on myself in a wheelchair is a whole other set of odds that I’ve beaten. But who knows, maybe I am dead and this is how shitty the afterlife really is and this blog is a warning from the mysterious hereafter to all of those that read it. Anyway, with all that said, what the fuck is it that’s holding me back from doing whatever I want?

So I have been investing in the stock market for 12 years now and I have spent the good part of this past year teaching myself how to invest rather than relying on my investment manager to do all of the work for me. I’ve been moderately successful with it too. It’s felt kind of cool but two things it hasn’t been is difficult or scary. It’s a little scary I guess, but I’ve never put enough eggs into one basket to worry about going broke. Even with the recent shakiness of the markets, namely China and their bullshit but that’s a whole other topic, I’m never too worried. I need to do something that scares me and I need to feel scared before I dive into it.

I haven’t written anything on here in a few months and I need and want to get back into the habit of writing on here, and while I’m going to continue writing random bullshit I want to dedicate part of this blog to conquering my fears. I don’t even know what those fears really are yet, but I will find them, and I will deal with them, and hopefully I’ll write something all sorts of silly-billy about them. I am going to start very small but of course those fears will naturally progress into conquering bigger fears. I’ll try to do something scary everyday but I doubt that will happen because we’re all probably only a few hundred fears away from playing Russian roulette with a double-barrel shotgun while doing the cinnamon challenge and kidnapping a baby, even if you’re a highly phobic person. So while I try to exercise my fears everyday and repeatedly exercise them to rid myself of those fears, I doubt I’ll write about it everyday, but every week. But if I write it on here, and whether anyone even reads this or not, I am signing a personal promise to overcome as many of my own fears as I can starting tomorrow.

I Am a Computer Wizard

One million planet Earths can fit inside of our sun, and 9.3 billion of our suns could fit into the hypergiant star called VY Canis Majoris, and now there are even bigger stars that have been discovered. We’re not even specs of dust, we’re pieces of atoms pointlessly floating throughout an endless vacuum filled with an infinite amount of shit that could make all life that we know of extinct in an instant. Even if we master the art of space travel we must leave the Milky Way because it’s supposed to collide with Andromeda in 4 billion years, and if humans do leave the Milky Way I doubt there will be stories told of our dumb shit Facebook posts in other galaxies.

Being that we are random fleas on a dog’s ass and all that any of us will ever do will eventually be forgotten, you should embrace the things that give you joy. Joy is really just a chemical reaction in your brain’s reward system but that’s all we’ve got. If you like money, try to make a lot of money. If you like sex then perfect your ability of getting laid. If you like whatever else then yeah, do what you got to do to get that good feeling as long as you’re not physically injuring others. With all of that being said, my laptop brings me shitloads of joy.

I have heard stories passed down through generations or told in Tweets about somebody’s hard drive crashing, but I had never witnessed or experienced the phenomena in person. I remember when I was a kindergartner and my great grandfather sat me on his knee and told me the story of Earnest Hemingway’s death. He said that Hemingway had spent 25 years culminating his life’s adventures and works into one grand story that would have changed the literary world forever after. When Hemingway finished the story, and after spending hours reading over his finest work, feeling the joy of accomplishment while staring at his computer screen, he clicked on ‘Save’ and his hard drive crashed, erasing everything; and then Earnest took out his favorite shotgun and blew his brains out. I remember that I couldn’t fall asleep that night after hearing that story, and I prayed to the Spaghetti Monster that I never be punished with a crashed hard drive, and I wondered why my great grandpa would tell a story like that to a 5 year old.

Well low and behold, last week my hard drive crashed. Wikipedia says Hemingway died in 1961 and I would have thought that either Bill Gates or Steve Jobs would have improved their hard drives in the 54 years since his death, but apparently not. I wasn’t even looking at porn even though I probably had porn on at least one of the tabs that were open, because I’m a guy, but I was watching random Youtube videos at the time. I clicked on one and got the spinning wheel in the middle of my screen and an audible clicking sound from inside my computer. I turned it off and on again like every computer expert would recommend and got a solid white screen.

Luckily, I have an Ipad and an Iphone and an Internet. So I found all sorts of stuff I should do and I used a disk that came with the computer and ran a diagnostics thing on it and boom, it said the hard drive is poop. I got online with the Apple store because I’m not a computer programmer or a “gaymer” and I just want a computer that I can use as a computer and I don’t have to take a fucking Microsoft class to figure out how to print something with it. But the downside is how ridiculously expensive Apple stuff is. So a new hard drive and service and all that from Apple would be over $400 and there ain’t no way in hell I’m going to pay that. So I went into a full on self education crash course of how computers work. I learned terms like “motherboard” and “solid state drive” and “fedora” and “virginity” and I can basically build a computer myself now.

I found a website that is centered entirely on selling knockoffs and improved components for Apple products for dirt cheap. I ordered a 1 terabyte, 7200 RPM hard drive for my Macbook Pro for $72 that included free shipping, a 3 year warranty, a video on how to install it, and the gift of constantly receiving emails from them every god damn day. It took 10 minutes to unscrew all the little screwies and open up the computer and only 2 minutes to replace the hard drive. Then I spent 48 hours updating the operating system and trying to get all the programs and shit I had before but tried my best to do it without spending any money and I succeeded. Lordy bagordy it’s like a brand new and much better computer now! Everything I had saved on it is gone forever because I’m an idiot that has an external hard drive that I only use for editing videos, but now it has twice the memory, flash saving or something like that, my battery fully charges again and the replacement warning for it is gone, I can actually do the upgrades on my computer now, and I’m crying a little bit as I type this. I’m crying tears of joy because this computer brings so much happiness into my life. And now it’s back, my baby is back, everything I’ve written is erased but she’s back. And I am embracing it right now. And then I’m going to watch porn on it.

I forget. Is it called “body shaming” or “fat denial”?

Boy, am I pooped. I drove my exercycle around my living room for 45 minutes, went on an angry power walk, and then took another cruise into the sunset on my exercycle. I’m not even fat, in fact I’ve been called a ‘ripped bro’ by my fraternity brothers that live in the quads with me, but I’m trying to get even leaner and lighter because of my fussy back and for the additional sex appeal. And I am getting slimmer because it is known human biology that if less energy is introduced into the body then the body will rely on its own stored energy to make up for the loss, and this happens regardless of whatever words are being unintelligently spewed from that human body’s mouth, like the phrases “I barely eat anything!” or “muh genetics!”

 

Okay, so the improperly named grapefruit is one of my favorite fruits and I’ve been going apeshit on them this summer, and I went to buy more of them before dropping by Dr. Bill’s office to pick up my liquor prescription. With all of the gorgeous fruits and vegetables in the HIV’s produce section, their grapefruits are rather overpriced and shitty, so I went to Wal-Mart instead. So I grab two bags of grapefruit at Wal-Mart, totally uneventful, and I’m standing in the self checkout line because I always use self checkout when it’s available. While standing in line these two girls that looked to be in their late teens to early twenties got into line behind me.

 

Height wise I am somewhere between 5 foot 7 inches and 6 foot 3; I’m not sure because I haven’t measured my height in years. Both of these girls behind me were about the same height as me and they were both talking about how they can’t stand short guys. I didn’t really care what they were talking about because I wouldn’t have sex with either one of these girls unless there was money involved, and unlike tall people I can say that I’ve been short my entire life, so I came to terms with it half a lifetime ago. Then one of the girls taps me on the shoulder and asks, “By the way, how tall are you?” And then they giggled amongst themselves for a second. Then she says, “I’m just screwing with you, don’t worry.” I smiled and turned back around.

 

I wasn’t offended because I lack enough autism to know when someone is joking and when someone is trying to piss me off, and she was just joking, maybe even flirting a little judging by how close she was getting to me. This girl was most likely 15 or more years younger than me and outweighed me by at least 50 pounds and she was buying boxes of macaroni and a 2 liter bottle of Dr. Pepper. So I stood there with my back towards them for a couple of minutes and then I turned around and shattered her world with 5 words. I didn’t even make a comment, I asked her a question. I said, “How much do you weigh?”

 

You would have thought that I had just pulled out a gun and shot and killed her cheeseburger right in front of her. Both her and her friend’s jaws dropped in obvious emotional distress.

 

Fat Butt: “Um, excuse me, but what the fuck did you just say?”

 

Me: “I kindly asked how much you weigh? What’s the problem?”

 

Fat Butt’s Stupid Friend: “That is none of your fucking business, asshole.”

 

Me: “You asked me how tall I am. I thought we were getting to know each

other here, what’s your deal?”

 

(A self-checkout counter or whatever you call it opens up in front of us)

 

Fat Butt: “Shut the fuck up and buy your fruit, dick.”

 

Me: “No, we’re becoming friends here and I’m a gentleman. Ladies

first.”

 

Fat Butt: “Whatever.”

 

(Fat Butt and Fat Butt’s Stupid Friend waddle to the self-checkout counter or whatever you call it and buy the garbage that they’ll manage to finish eating before they get home even though it’s supposed to be microwaved first)

 

All right, so how weak and insecure are you if someone asking you a question about something that is visually obvious can offend you? And how “proud” of that visual thing are you if you are offended when somebody asks about it? This is why I just can’t buy into this whole big is beautiful crap. And it’s a kick in the tits to the whole feminism thing too. Women are strong and should legally have all of the same opportunities as men, and they do by the way, but if they make a rude comment or physically assault a man then he has no right to retort or hit back because women are too fragile to fight a man and they’re too stupid to know that insults are normally met with insults.

 

And the being fat thing. It’s what fucking ever. Nobody really cares if you are over weight; it’s the obviously obese people that are growing in size and numbers that has everyone up in arms. And just because you gave up on losing weight doesn’t mean that you can protect your feelings and ailing health by demanding that nobody is allowed to use words like “fat” and “obese” to describe you and then top it all off by saying, “I’m not fat. I’m beautiful!!” Lies do not become truths by saying them louder.

 

Unlike height, weight isn’t entirely genetic either. Some people are inclined to be a little bigger than others but your body does not make itself out of nothing. It’s made from whatever you put into it and whatever you work out of it. If you are a fat ass that tells people that you barely eat anything, I want you to stop eating all together. You already hardly eat anything so eating nothing won’t require much of a change in your diet. You have proven science wrong by getting larger without excess calories and that starvation is still a hypothesis and not a scientific fact. Unfortunately you’ll continue to get fatter because your body defies all logic but just think of all the money you’ll save because you don’t require food to live.

 

I am an adult and I know that it is mean and unfair to pick on any minority within a population because of basic math. Fat people are now the majority in this country and I am tired of being oppressed by them. So for any fat person to openly disagree and destroy any debate that is offered by a person afflicted with less body mass they are using their majority status to silence the words of the minority. Stop throwing your weight around to abuse the less fortunate that will be paying for your dialysis and orthopedic shoes when you are unable to work due to your beautifully large body. Because big is so beautiful that it’s deadly.

Time Heals All Wounds

My birthday is next Sunday. It sucks that it’s on a Sunday because I’ll finally be able to legally drink and all of the bars and booze stores close early on Sunday. I mention my upcoming birthday because I’m starting to feel like my age is catching up to me within in a very short, in an almost immediate, timespan.

 

Today was a real doozy. You see, I am a meathead and have accumulated some injuries over the years and they all seem to have chosen to fuck up my life at the same time. My worst injury, the mother and most likely the spark to all of my other injuries, the general of my pains, domino zero, is my lower back injury. When I touched the gates leading into the unknown and less traveled by living man by dying in a fiery car wreck that claimed the lives of 22 women and children but spared my own, I suffered a dislocated vertebrae. This back injury wasn’t even diagnosed for several years because the doctors were more concerned about the fact that I had lost both of my arms in the accident and that I was unconscious for a month. So a few years later when I had these spastic feelings of my back trying to pull my ass into my torso, I decided to go see a chiropractor. The chiropractor took some x-rays and tried to fix it by jumping on my back a few times, but that dang vertebrae just stayed out of place.

 

Skip to what, like 6, maybe 7 years later. Within those years I had become the biggest specimen of glorious muscled man-beast that wasn’t the leading man in a comic book. So one day, right after I had moved back to Bumfuck Nebraska, I was dead lifting with the gumption of an illegally nitro-rigged cement mixer-dump truck hybrid warship. I’m not even talking about ripping 2 shake weights off the face of the Earth and locking out while heaving them to my hips, I’m talking 2 shake weights in each hand, bitch. So I dead lift these 4 shake weights with perfect form and then set them back down into the craters that they had created on the gym floor. Then these powerlifter guys that constantly watched me with envious and sometimes lustful eyes scuttled up to me and egged me on to do it again. Instead of swallowing my pride and walking away, I chose to prove that I have a small penis by compensating through feats of strength and I picked them 4 sumbitches up again. And as soon as I did it felt like somebody stabbed me in the back with a pitchfork and then that pitchfork was struck by lightning and then when I fell to the floor somebody tazed me repeatedly. Long story short, I ripped that dislocated vertebrae out of the scar tissue and it is now where it should be again. However, every now and then my back muscles spaz out and try to pull that vertebrae back to where it was for a decade, and the shit hurts horribly and makes me unable to walk.

 

So after that long story, here is how my day went. I have been feeling that my back has been getting worse for over a month now due to playing with my nephews and lifting weights and other random activities. Well I woke up around 8:30 AM. I tried to get out of bed but my back would lock up with spasms and holy shit, you don’t want to know what that feels like. So I laid in bed and did some stretches and I finally got out of bed at about 11:30 AM. I used a Resolve carpet cleaning broom as a cane to go to the bathroom and then go to my kitchen. I frazzled a couple of eggs, ate them with some hot sauce, and then opened the fridge to grab a grapefruit from the bottom shelf. Once again lightning came through my basement window and struck me in the back and I was lying in front of my opened fridge until 1:00 PM. I was comfortable on the kitchen floor and didn’t want to deal with more back spasms, so I ate my grapefruit caveman style on the floor and threw the peel and seeds towards the trashcan.

 

Finally, I got my self onto my feet with my Resolve carpet cleaning crutch and waddled to my lil’ babby home gym and grabbed this hollow bar that’s supposed to be used for who knows what and I’ve been using that as a cane instead. Then I crawled back into bed because my back hurts the least while I’m flat on my back. I spent the next 8 or 9 hours in my bed playing dumbshit games on my Ipad. I finally got the courage to try to get out of bed an hour ago and now that I’m sipping a sorority girl drink the pain is easing up.

 

I only tell this boring story because I myself am extremely bored and I would like to share the cruelties that father time can expend on a beautiful soul such as mine. I am currently sitting in a stolen fold out chair because it is the only chair that’s comfortable right now, and I fear getting out of it because of the spazzle attacks when I move. I’ll probably be fine after tomorrow as long as I don’t act like a maroon and try to pray to Lord Arnold through the media of iron. I thought that I would age gracefully because I have always looked young for my age, and I still do, but apparently I was wrong.

Jesus Christ Looks Like a Homosexual Biker

Fucking Facebox during this past month… let’s just settle this right now, okay? It is not a religious issue, it is a legal issue. Getting married provides the couple and the individual with a huge amount of legal rights and tax benefits and it is illegal to deny anyone specific rights due to their race, gender, or sexual preference. It’s 1,138 legal rights to be specific. But whatever, the church fucked itself in its own butt by getting all wrapped up in government matters. Churches are not only tax-exempt but they also receive tax money. That’s money paid by everyone, including the devious sodomites and carpet cleaners. In America, you cannot take money from a group of people without their given consent and then deny them rights, which are quite glorious, such as never having to pay property taxes if your gay lover is 100% bodily retarded due to injuries from fighting in an American war, and other stuffs. And yeah, that’s an actual benefit. Because by being gay, and whatever your personally held belief for someone being gay is doesn’t matter, you cannot deny an entire segment of the population a huge fucking list of rights because they choose to store meat in fart lockers or play hair guitars with their mouths.

 

And the Supreme Court is right and it is in place for a reason. Because when it comes to the majority versus a minority you cannot have 3 wolves and 1 sheep making a majority vote on what they’re going to eat for dinner; it just isn’t fair. The Supreme Court is that outside party that is able to look at the overall situation and then make a proper decision that isn’t based on emotions or religion or public beliefs that aren’t laws and whatever else.

 

 

The church is filled with scandals involving the butt fucking scenarios of underage boys, the butt fuckings of men, illegal money transactions, and random tales of racism. But this, gay marriage, that is the one thing that Christians will go to war for. Pick your fucking battles right you dinguses. You bunch of Chesters want to hate all gays, which really only translates into guys that eat man butt, because really, who hates lesbian porn, am I right? But you really think that two adults choosing to live together while enjoying the rights of all married couples is wrong. I’m not even trying to be super left wing liberal either, I’m just stating facts. If you think that this country was founded on Christian principles then, well, you’re pretty much right. But times change and they change for the better. Stop being a faggot hating faggot and learn to love and live with everyone as a whole instead. I have gay friends and I plan on being in their weddings and eating rainbow cake and being forced to suck dick suckers at gay bachelor (ette?) parties and whatever other gay shit they can think of. I’m not gay so it doesn’t really bother me, it’s all in good fun.

 

Oh, and after all of your religious preaching’s you worship a gay biker with a perfectly manscaped beard and conditioned flowing hair. Fucking hypocrites praying to a faggot looking Hell’s Angel while they hate on the very people that their “savior” would most likely try to get a phone number from. Spit on it and sit on it you gaylords.