Dear Facebook Diary,
I invest in the stock market and make a fairly good living at it while finally finishing my fifth doctorate degree at MIT, so I made the decision to take it easy this summer and not give a shit about finding a job to keep me busy. So far this summer, I was in a play in Holdrege two weeks ago, in which I was the lead role. I absolutely hated the amount of lines I had to memorize but it ended up being a really good learning experience and extremely well worth it. Oh! And I have done a little bit of personal training with Louis, who is locally famous because he is the actual Louis from the ‘Louis and McArthur’s Potato Statues and Poems’ restaurant which is across from the campus. My motto for him is to “Get Juicy or Die Miring”. But other than those two things I haven’t been doing much. Or at least that was true until about ten days ago or whenever it all started.
Well, there is this business called The Nielsen Company. And oh my god, I feel stupid for even explaining what it is because I know that everyone that lives in a first world country knows about it, but anyway, it is one of the leading companies that rates channels in areas of the nation as to how much they are watched by viewers. Hence, it is best known as the Nielsen Television Rating System. So three weeks ago the mail lady was generous enough to leave a letter from The Nielsen Company in my mailbox and I was bored enough to open it instead of throwing it away. My boredom remained for most of the day because as I said I am not doing much this summer, so I took the time to answer The Nielsen Company’s questionnaire and I mailed it back to them because it said that I would get $2 for it.
Like a week goes by and The Nielsen Company never sends me my 2 fucking dollars. Instead, I got a phone call from them while I was sitting in my blue chair staring at a stain on my rug. It was the type of phone call that I wouldn’t have answered because I didn’t recognize the number, but I accidentally pushed the send/answer button while I was struggling to get the phone out of my pocket because my gigantic black penis named “Get Off My Lawn” makes it difficult to get items in and out of my pockets because my huge penis makes my pants so tight. So since I had already answered the phone, I went ahead and did this long and tedious question thing with The Nielsen Company lady, and at the end of the cellphone interrogation about what I watch on TV and the ridiculous amount of time I spend watching it, I was given a prize and a duty. The prize is $30 and the duty is to fill out an unusually specific diary of the channels and shows that I watch and when I watch them over the course of a week.
So okay, another fucking week goes by and I haven’t heard a word from Mr. Nielsen or his wife. But shortly after waking up this morning at the wee early hour of 1:00PM, I looked in my mailbox and there it was, the diary. I opened it and immediately six of the crispest 5 dollar bills fell from the envelope and fluttered downward like green feathers falling from a mighty and exotically colored condor soaring through the atmosphere and then they fluttered down onto the stain on my rug. I picked up the bills and read the letter contained with the diary. It said, “Mr. Lucas Cox, you have been elected to be the television representative of Buffalo County for The Nielsen Company.” Tears welled in my eyes as I stared at the word “elected”. I’ve never been elected for anything, and although I’ve never really ran for anything either, I was completely elated to finally win.
I took out the diary and got to work that instant because as an elected official, I’ve got a lot of motherfuckers counting on me to do my job. And they said that I would continue to get $30 for each diary that they send me and I fill out and they want me to mail back the diary whether I fill it out or not. So why not watch TV and get paid for it? I could be making $120 a month to watch TV and that’s enough to pay for my cables and interbutts right there. It’s like paying a heroin addict to do heroin. Maybe in 2016 I will run for masturbation representative of Buffalo County because I feel like I’m a little more knowledgeable in that area and I know that I wouldn’t let anyone down if I were elected.
As a newly elected official for my county, I am already becoming a liar straight out of the gates. I lied and said that I was up watching the news and Fresh Prince of Bel-Air this morning, but I was in bed intermittently sleeping and fondling my balls until at least noon. And then I stood in my kitchen and ate eggs with Sriracha Sauce for an hour or so. Then I went outside and yelled at the sun for being too bright before getting the mail. Also, I will not tell them that I am normally awake until 3:00AM watching mindless titty movies on Showtime while listening to Katy Perry on my Itunes and there is no way in hell that I am going to tell them that I just spent the past hour watching “Antiques Road Show”. But yes, I am the newly elected representative of Buffalo County for The Nielsen Company, and I will not be taking this job lightly.
And now I have to meet Don Shawnson at Lighteningcrack Brewery to spend my hard earned $30 on a breadbowl of stew and a turkey leg.