Dear Facebook Diary 6/19/13

Dear Facebook Diary,

Talk about a shitty day. The stock market dropped 206 points, Tony Soprano died, obesity was officially labeled as being a disease, my back is hurting again and I’ve spent most of the day trapped in my crappy Wal-Mart wannabe Lazy Boy chair due to back spasms, I have been unable to exercise for over a week, and I am bored as all hell. I have spent the day raping random online contestants in Scrabble and playing other free online games, watching Internet movies on lobstertube, drinking three pots of coffee, consuming protein shakes and eating air-popped popcorn, reading the book “Think and Grow Rich”, and filling out a detailed profile of myself on Okcupid. Because nothing makes me think about love more than painful and sudden electric-like spasms coursing through my lower back which cause me to suddenly throw my laptop or cup of coffee across the room. I also told my landlord to do whatever he wanted with the air conditioning this summer as the conditioning command box is upstairs and I have no access to it and I figured that I would not be home for most of the summer; apparently his decision was to turn the air conditioner off.

I have joined and been banned from numerous dating websites. I was Tyrell Bogginz on, Omega_Jew_9000 on, Havin Bin Shavin on, Willow Ufgood on, I was Kellen Heller as well as Herp Derperson on a website for the mentally disabled called, and the list goes on. Apparently making fake profiles and leading people on is called “catfishing”, and I was unaware of this until fairly recent. I never used these phony profiles for financial gain or to do more than send stupid online messages. I just considered it a way to have fun while sitting on my ass and playing off of other peoples’ naïveté. However, I made a real profile on Okcupid as well as illustrating it with an actual picture of myself as opposed to finding a picture of a nerd or neckbeard on some random forum or That was a very important decision as I rarely post actual pictures of myself online and I have very few pictures of myself to begin with. I suppose it was because I browsed through some local ladies that had profiles on the website and I… I… I fell in love. I dare not say her name, as I do not wish to jinx the imaginary love connection between us, but when the cosmos aligned my index finger to clicking on her profile I viewed a beautiful photo of an athletic young woman within my age range that had given funny and nonsensical answers to all of the personality questions. Out of boredom, I answered 152 personality questions while polishing off another pot of coffee and after I had finished I found that my new online damsel and I had an 87% match! I quote the great John Beckwith when he stated that, “True love is the soul’s recognition of its counterpoint in another”, and it is exhilarating to know that I have found my counterpoint. Now I must muster up the seemingly insurmountable amount of courage that it will take to send her an online message or give her a ‘wink’ or ‘like’ or whatever the hell Okcupid uses to let someone know you’re digging what they’re laying down. What do I do? Do I write her a poem? Should I send her a picture of my penis? Should I ask her if she wants to meet for coffee or food?

Due to my poor standing with the universe, it’s most likely a fake profile or she is using a picture taken before her body lost its battle with the debilitating disease known as obesity. Besides, I rarely date and there’s little reason to break my dateless streak while living in Nebraska. Some have wondered if I have shunned the love of women but my love life is more akin to that of a hermit rather than a homo. Whatever, I’m going to sip on a toddy while showering my stinky body and then I’m gonna sweep this bitch off her feet with some sexy typing techniques. By the way, it is 84.6 degrees in my apartment right now and this red-hot online love is only going to make those numbers climb.

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