Dear Facebook Diary (1/24/13)

Dear Bastard That Egged My Car Two Nights in a Row,


You know what man; you are a real cowardly piece of shit. As I left my apartment yesterday to attend my 10AM class, I noticed a partially shattered egg across the rear window of my twin diesel flare side Chevy that you must have lackadaisically tossed as you either walked or drove by. I merely gave it a glance and continued my walk to class without giving it a second thought. Then when I returned from class I had no choice but to give this halfway broken egg my full attention. I was more disappointed with your actions than I was angry. The egg wasn’t even completely broken, so you either threw the egg like a bitch or you had very little enthusiasm for your malevolent doings. I gave you the benefit of the doubt by imagining that you only had one egg left after a night of intense vandalism and gently tossed the last egg out your window and it coincidentally hit my car. Or I was hoping that you threw it with a hook shot over your head. I was hoping that it was just a simple mistake.


But then, last night, you made up for your limp wristed faggoty throwing skills. I walked out to my car to retrieve some important educational documents when I saw another single egg fully splattered against the $5,735 spoiler that I installed onto my streamlined A to B machine when I upgraded its engine to turbo mode nearly twenty years ago. Although I was able to remove the eggy results of your seemingly random passive aggressive bullshit attacks with some warm water and a few paper towels, my anger far exceeded the effort needed to clean up after your stupid ass. I yelled profanity that could make Satan blush. I had to apologize to my Malibu several times and reassure her that I was not directing my potty mouth at her. My Malibu is a very sensitive automobile and it will be weeks before she’s comfortable with me sitting behind her wheel. My ‘Bu had finally forgiven me for that cat accident this past summer and now you have stirred shit up all over again! You fucking milksop egg throwing fudgestar chasing rat fucking bastard!!!


However I must admit, I like your style. You could have easily egged the living shit out my car but for some reason you showed restraint. Tossing a single egg at my car will not cause any serious damage but it is enough to cause a small mess and play head games with me. I might assume from your weak throw that you are a woman that I have angered. But I have ruled that out because I have not sexed a lady in ages and I am entirely unable to think of a vagina-holder that would currently be angry with me for any reason. You could be a teenager, as all teenagers do this type of stupid shit but my car is nestled into a hidden nook that is branched off from a rarely travelled alley. Why in the hell are you egging my car? I know that it wasn’t an accident because of my car’s placement. I hope that you were aiming for one of the cars that belong to the man-ass eating cowboy chaps wearing fuck-stains that live upstairs. In that case I hope you read this and realize that you need to change your target and that you continue with your mission.


I can assume that we somewhat share the same mindset due to you only throwing one egg at a time. And if we think alike then you will probably follow the rule of three and throw a third egg. And if you are entirely like me then you will wait weeks or even months before pelting my car with that third egg, causing me to live in suspense and anticipation for that third egg. You magnificent animal, I bet that’s exactly what you’re doing.


You know what I was innocently doing last night while you vandalized my car? I was watching “Teen Wolf”. Or if you vandalized my car really late then I was watching an internet movie called “Destination: Tonsils”. Now there are two things that I learned from watching “Teen Wolf”, and those two things are that you will find more success in life by being yourself and that high school girls will fuck anything, including dogs. Seriously, only a woman could be aroused by a man’s popularity despite the fact that he is half dog. I would sexually assault every orifice on Emma Watson’s body but if she turned into a dog, even momentarily, it would be an absolute deal breaker. I could never insert my e-peen into a stinky dog vagoo based upon the popularity of the dog woman. Have you ever smelled a wet dog? Can you even imagine what a horny wet dog vagina would smell like? That’s fucking disgusting, man.


Back to the subject, I only learned one lesson from watching “Destination: Tonsils”. I learned that you should never bite off more than you can chew, or swallow. This is a rule that applies to everyone and it transcends activities that go beyond bobbing knobs and chugging cock snot. Nobody fucks with my Malibu and gets away with it, nobody. I am telling you, you egg throwing Malibu hating fucktard, you have definitely bitten off more than you can chew!

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