Dear Facebook Diary,

I am raging right now. I just finished reading an article and watching a video about Iowa Governor Terry Branstad’s Bullying Prevention Summit held in Des Moines, Iowa on Tuesday. Now at this summit, the governor and other state and local leaders discussed with the public about bullying facts and how to prevent it. They pointed out the various ways and forms in which bullying can take place and that bullying is often learned rather than it being a natural occurrence. They want to punish parents when a kid is caught bullying and while I agree that most asshole kids have assholes for parents, it is typical for people to go to no ends to seek out someone to blame in our society. These anti-bully people are all a bunch of fucking emotionally retarded pussies and I want to drop all of them to their knees with vomit inducing atomic wedgies. It is bullshit like this that points out the widening generation gap in ‘Murica right now, and all pun intended with the word “gap”. Buncha goddayam pussies…

First off, beginning a war against bullying is dumber than starting a war against terrorism. It is something that is impossible to defeat because guess who the enemy is – it’s you. Bullying is a natural human instinct. Anytime we witness something that we personally or socially do not agree with, we voice our opinion on it in an attempt to change it. We do this because we are social beings and we want what is best for ourselves as well as our community. The roots of bullying are very natural and sometimes have good intentions. The purpose of picking on someone else is to force that person to conform to social demands and for the bully to experience an ego boost from overpowering another with either their words or actions. Humans are competitive, deal with it. Also, bullying is completely subjective. If a skinny kid tells a fat kid that they’re a flabby hamplanet that’s larger than the Forest Moon of Endor while crushing the fat kid’s Frosted Cinabon® Minabon® Roll into their six inch deep belly button then that skinny kid is a bully. However, if a religious zealot bursts into the pharmacy bathroom while I’m ‘bating and rips the Highlights™ magazine out of my hands while breaking my Yanni™ cd and knocking the bath salts out of my pipe, and then telling me that I am going to burn and suffer in hell for all of eternity… well then that person is being a good member of the community and in no way are they a bully. This is only one reason why bullying cannot be stopped. What is determined as bullying is completely subjective and is not decided by the individual but by their community. In fact, one could say that forcing bullies to stop bullying is a way of bullying bullies into stopping their bullying, and that right there is a perfect example of what I said in the sentence that I typed just before this sentence as well as in the fifth sentence of the paragraph that I have typed this sentence in. Making dominant people conform to the sensitive ways of others could even be seen as a form of bullying.

If you are stupid enough to think that bullying only occurs amongst kids then you need to poke your head out of your parents’ basement a little more often because bullying is something that you will experience throughout your lifetime. You will be picked on by your bosses, teachers will act like assholes towards you and assign you ridiculous assignments because they enjoy their power over you, you will work at places where certain cliques are formed and each one is a total dick to the others, and then when you end up in a nursing home the other old bastards will deny you a spot at the checkers table because you’re one of those senile idiots that shits their pants. If you’ve ever given someone a mean glare or spouted out an insult because of the way a person looks or behaves then you yourself have taken part in a form of bullying. We do this shit everyday whether we realize it or not. Bullying isn’t a way of breaking others down; it is a way of forcing them to conform to the ways of the stronger beings. Bullying is proof that survival of the fittest is a fact of life. Some people break under bullies and others become stronger. It pisses me off when people immediately take sides with kids that kill themselves or others because they were bullied, and the media says that bullying is worse now because of social websites like Facebook. Well apparently suicide and mass murder is much easier than turning off the computer.

Now if I were a caveman I would be a hunter. Despite my being a Theatre major, I am a swole and limber motherfucker with some juicy ass biceps and a temper that’s shorter than your mother’s dick. I was born to search the plains for beasts and then kill that fucking beast and bring home the carcass to disperse its nourishing flesh amongst my bitches as I percolate a sense of fear and respect while I leer at the weaklings as they feast upon my trophy. Being the hunter that I am, I ran out of eggs the other night. I’m not a big fan of red meat and eggs are the most alpha protein source next to beef, so I consume them in large quantities. Anyway, I refrained from joining with my usual clergy and instead went to the Church of Target. I did this because I have yet to find the Special Halloween Edition Candy Corn Oreo Cookies® and someone told me that they were only being sold at Target. So I figured that I would hunt for these supposedly amazing cookies while gathering my precious muscle feeding eggs. I tore through the isles of Target in search of the cookies and I’ll be a monkey’s uncle if those fucking cookies even exist in the first place. I think the Candy Corn Oreos® are just a myth created by the Liberal media to make us believe that Oreos® come in different colors than black and white. After 115 or maybe 120 seconds of expending vast amounts of my eye power searching for these make believe cookies, I gave up and headed towards the Target Ministry’s egg section. Target has a real shit selection of eggs. They’ve only got large eggs and overpriced egg whites and both of them are overpriced by at least a dime. Fuck that shit, I left and went to join my fellow brethren of Walmart in the praise of crazy bargains and the dodging of falling prices. I walked directly towards the egg and dairy section where my choice food sources are found. I grabbed my 18 count Large AA Eggs, opened the container and saw that not a single one of the eggs were cracked, closed the container, looked at the price listed above the eggs and saw that they were $1.88, I winked and smiled at the price tag and walked towards the checkout lanes. I had captured my beast.

As I was walking through the center isle I saw a group of young and chubby male ass wipes giggling and looking at Doritos and candy and shit. When I see a group of douche canoes congregate like this I call it a garland, much like a group of birds is called a flock. So this garland of four jubilant homos were frolicking through the cookie and candy isle like a small avalanche of rainbow Skittles®. I highly doubt that any of them were gay but they would probably be able to get closer to women if they said they were. My caveman instincts kicked in when I saw these high school aged pansies. If I am a hunter then these tender foots would be berry pickers, and alpha male hunters do not get along with beta bitch berry pickers. I approached the cookie isle as if I were continuing my search for the Special Halloween Edition Candy Corn Oreo Cookies® although I had already given up on my search. I entered the isle with a furrowed brow and fire in my eyes. I glared from side to side at the cookies in the isles and then gazed forward, making eye contact with who I assumed to be the leader of the berry picker garland. He smiled back at me and said, “Hi.” What a fucking bitch. He knew that I was the dominant male in the cookie isle and he had the nerve to say “Hi” to me. I was going to straighten this little shit out and bully him into being a bit more of a man. I continued with my cold stare.

“What the fuck is your problem, dude?” The garland chief asked me.

“Oh, uhm, I-I just…” I replied with a stern voice.

“This fucking creeper keeps staring at us.” The leader said to his fellow berry pickers.

“I’m just looking for the Special Halloween Edition Candy Corn Oreo Cookies®.” I said.

“They don’t even sell those fucking things here, dude.” Another berry picker spoke up.

“Oh, uh, o-okay. Y-You sure?” I responded with great self-assurance.

“Yeah man, fuck off already.” The leader of the berry pickers said with a trembling voice.

I immediately fled the cookie isle and walked briskly towards the self-checkout lane while peering over my shoulder every now and then. I felt that I had clearly displayed my masculine hunter domination over the garland of weak berry pickers and it was time to make my exit. I paid for my avian ovum trophy and drove home to celebrate with my rewards. That night I had three whole eggs and a bowl of oatmeal as I thought about the great lesson that my hunter self had taught that group of young berry pickers. I showed them that bullying is not meant to put someone down, it is meant to bring them up to a higher standard. Bullying is completely necessary in the modern world, and I have yet to taste the Candy Corn Oreos.