A Midget’s Hand (4/2/12)

I have thoroughly enjoyed the recent string of warm weather but it has turned my crummy basement apartment into Madagascar. Today I have chosen to take a stand against the mounting herds of species and crustaceous arthropods that are occupying my apartment. There are undiscovered subterranean creatures everywhere. I feel like I am being watched, or possibly stalked even as I type this.
This act of war began just moments ago while I was sitting on my toilet. I was not pooping; it’s just nice to sit while I pee sometimes. Maybe the reason women live longer is because they get multiple breaks during the day simply because they sit while they pee. Anyway, I was sitting on the shitter when out of the corner of my eye I saw a midget’s hand scuttle across the wall next to me. When I turned to look I saw that it wasn’t a midget’s hand, but it was an enormous species of spider that hasn’t evolved since the Triassic period. I’m fairly sure that when I looked at it closely I saw that it had eyebrows and a bellybutton because this thing was fucking huge and half human. If this bastard had strolled across my wall in the living room then I may have felt differently, but this motherfucker was watching me make wee-wee in the water closet and my privacy was shattered. That pisses me off!

I immediately searched the perimeter for a weapon and found an arsenal of scented potpourri cans under my sink that my mother had bought for me at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. I grabbed the one that I liked the least because then I wouldn’t feel bad about wasting it, it was the Pina Colada scent. Over the course of 5-8 minutes an epic battle took place between the enormous arachnid and I. I completely drenched the shithead with Pina Colada scented acid and although it slowed him down he was still crawling with the strength of a small child. I searched under my sink again and found a can of hairspray. I was surprised to find this because I haven’t bothered combing my hair since 2007, and even then I don’t remember using hairspray. I removed the cap from the hairspray and pointed the business end at the eight-legged werewolf and unloaded on the little shit. He crawled a little faster because this new weapon obviously scared the crap out of him. After spritzing him with a good amount of hair product I put my face close to his and then I did the cruelest thing possible… I began to blow on him until he dried. After 30 seconds he was completely frozen in place. I can’t imagine the horror that the little guy was feeling, but it gave me a huge feeling of accomplishment. Then to make the spider’s living nightmare worse, I plucked his paralyzed but living body off of my wall with a square of toilet paper, threw him in the toilet, and flushed him into the sewer where he belongs. For the sake of Buffalo County I hope he didn’t survive because I can’t imagine what kind of sea monster that spider would evolve into after a few years of living in toxic beef fed sewage.

This battle with the spider was loud so I’m sure several of the creatures heard it, and I hope they’re scared. Although I’m satisfied with my conquering of the spider my bathroom now smells like a Jamaican bar because there’s pina colada scent everywhere. Wish me luck with my ongoing battle Myface. I’ll be sleeping with one eye open and a can of hairspray under my pillow for the rest of the Spring and Summer. Farewell, and God’s speed.

Dear Facebook Diary (3/27/12)

If there is anything worse than having my apartment be overrun with uncles it’s having my apartment be overrun with ants. This is the third summer that I will be living in my creepy basement apartment, and as soon as the weather begins to get nice this apartment is spontaneously full of ants. Fucking ants everywhere!

So I went to my dark and dreary kitchen for breakfast on Saturday morning as usual, and I quickly noticed that the ants had begun their annual parade across my kitchen counter and under my microwave. I Lysoled the whole fucking lot of them and then cleaned my kitchen counter. I had to work from 9:00AM to 9:00PM that day, so my hatred for those heartless fuckers burned within me all day. Then at 9:30 or tenish, I went to Wal-Mart to buy the Amdro ant killer traps and some of this clear sugar stuff that kills them. This is an annual event for me so I know exactly what to buy. Once I arrived back at my dingy underground residence, I began my merciless Jihad against the little bastards. Behind my fridge = Amdro, behind my microwave = Amdro, behind my shitbox = Amdro, behind anything else I could put an Amdro trap behind = Amdro; I literally placed Amdro traps and the clear poison stuff urrywurr.

Well I could tell right from the get go that the Amdro traps were different this year. Firstly, they are now brown in color instead of white. Secondly, the box says that they’re “improved”. And thirdly, they don’t fucking work! Normally after I set out these Amdro baits of death the ants stampede like wild water buffalo for a day, and then they’re gone for the rest of the year. This year they stampeded as usual and now there are lingerers all over the fucking place. Apparently the 2012 batch of Amdro traps just isn’t up to snuff. I was just in my kitchen frazzlin up some eggs in the frizzle pan and I saw 3 ants casually stroll out from under my microwave. Then one of the little shits managed to find its way onto my leg. I reminded each one of the little fucktards that “I pay the fucking rent here” just before I crushed them and discarded their soulless carcasses into my sink. I’ve seen even more of them hanging out in my damn bathroom. I throw them in the toilet and piss on them before I flush them and watch them die in a horrid torrent of swirling death. I put them in the toilet because I find satisfaction in knowing that the last thing they see before dying is my giant human penis which is like thousands of times the size of their entire bodies. So there is an aspect of humiliation that goes along with their death.

I want to see “The Hunger Games”. I haven’t felt the need to see a movie in the theaters since “The Dark Knight” and I didn’t even go to see that movie in the theaters. I don’t have any lady friends that I assume would want to go to the movie with me so I’ll probably wait for it to come out on DVD. That’s really pathetic but I prefer watching movies by myself anyway because I’m very meticulous with my movie watching and I need some damn silence while I do it. I watch movies like I read books. Maybe I’ll go to the movie alone and find some half retarded underage girls standing in line and I’ll tell them that I’ll pay for their tickets if they sit by me and tell people that we’re all together. Then I’ll at least look like a pimp or a pedo while I watch the flick. Still haven’t gotten laid lately, but I haven’t tried either. I’ve still got lobstertube.

Dear Facebook Diary (3/23/12)

Tonight I am not drinking my gin and tonic for means of relaxation, but I am drinking it to help me swallow the taste of defeat. I went to work today feeling fairly happy because I normally work at night nowadays. After a semi long and meaningless day at my menial job I decided to go home and pump some motherfucking iron with my rock hard bod. I worked out rather rough cause it ain’t easy being buff n’ stuff. I did arms because I hadn’t done my arms since last Thursday but I also did some more hamstring stuff that I didn’t do yesterday. So after 12 sets of kiggley hamsquirts I went for my usual walk and jog around Harmon Park and the UNK campus. On the way, Matt and Ryan yelled my name and scared the scat out of me. I met them over at the basketball court in the park that nobody knows the actual name of but I know that it’s Apollo Park. I figured I would just stop and chat and then be on my way, but they convinced/ forced me into playing a game of basketball. I look like I am built like a brick shithouse. Or at least a brick shithouse meant for midgets because I’m not the tallest brick shithouse, but I look athletic as fuck. I’ve got so many cock veins throughout my body that it makes my own cock jealous and my cock has got a lot of cock veins to begin with. However, I am the least athletic male in the Midwest, especially at a sport like basketball. Unborn children have kicked my ass at basketball. Short story shorter, I got my as whooped. I had a goliath high school shemale and a black guy on my team and I still had my ass handed to me by Ryan’s team. The fuck, man? I continued my walk and jog by running because my thighs burned like the furnace of Auschwitz and I needed food and a leak and I think I was crying too.
Speaking of Jews, I am no longer worried about Santorum becoming the Republican nominee. I read an article put out about an hour ago where he was saying that he would support the nominee even if it wasn’t himself, and then he apologized to Romney for jumping on the Etch a’ Sketch comment. He pretty much went out like a bitch. That makes me happy because religion mixing with politics scares the shit out of me. I have no trust in leaders that get on their knees and pray or read the Bible for advise rather than looking to science and other people for help. Science will fly you to the moon and religion will fly you into a skyscraper and there is literally nothing in history that can prove otherwise.

The weather is getting so nice now and it’s making my loins burn. They burn so hot. I need to get some stinky on my hang-down soon. I’m talking about getting laid Facebook Diggity, I’m talking about getting laid. I went to Denver last week and every time I go back to Denver I see my future fit wife walking down the street. Then I come back to Kearney and I see what my future fit wife would look like after she’s farted out four of my kids and then got ran over by the ugly bus and was dragged for a few miles before she fell off in front of a Wendy’s and then spent a decade nursing herself back to health with Baconators. The sad thing is that despite my being a fitness freak I’d fuck either one of them right now because these loins are so hot… so very hot.

Dear Facebook Diary (3/20/12)

This is the most boring Spring Break that I have experienced in my interval-ish college career, and I love it. I have done nothing but pump iron and bate to Internet porn from sun up to sun down and now I’m sipping on a G and T totty while eyeballing Ron Paul on the Tonight Show. I was thinking that my vote for President was still up in the air and it would come down to who Romney chose for his running mate, but now I’m leaning entirely towards Democrat. The Repubs are turning this election into a religious debate and it has killed my political boner. If life were a party, the Republicans would be the fun hating dork that confronts you at the keg and tells you how you’re offending Jesus by drinking beer and getting your dick sucked by drunk girls looking for a ride home. I cannot stand retards that mix politics with religion. Especially retards that say that this country was founded on Christianity. If you can find any reference to God in the U.S. constitution then I will swallow your farts Facebook Diary, because those references aren’t there.

Well since you asked Facebook Diary, I did chest and shoulders today. I went up to 230 on front military press and in the middle of my war cry I had an epiphany. That epiphany is that I need to slim the fuck down in a big way. I look like a roidy toad right now and I want to look more like JCVD. That’s Jean Claude Van Damme if you’ve never seen Time Cop or Blood Sport you Facebook Diary dolt. I want to look ripped as all shit with abs and a sucked in face and basically gay I suppose. The reason that gay guys are thin is because they can’t get married. I’m straight but comparatively speaking I am still somewhat thin because I am single. Marriage and commitment is what makes you fat. The purpose of any man, gay or straight, is to attract some ass. Once a man has committed himself to a single piece of ass for the rest of his life there is no reason to remain thin. If gay marriage becomes legal then most homosexual men will suddenly become fat buttfucking dick blowers, and nobody likes fat buttfucking dick blowers. So it is in all homosexual men’s best interest to keep gay marriage illegal. Of course money supersedes all of these rules because any person that plays catcher during sex is a whore, and whores love money more than anything. So if you have money then you can eat whatever the hell you want.

Back to the subject, I’ve had a Backstage membership for like a year and a half and now I’m taking it seriously. My New Year’s resolution last year was to be on TV and I got my goofy ass onto the Bio Channel. My resolution this year is to get into a movie. I’ve been submitting my resume to a lot of SAG and semi-SAG movies and I’ve gotten several replies back. They tell me that I need some film reels that show my dramatic side so I’ve set up one of my Canon Vixia cameras and I am now making audition videos in my apartment. Oh it is a real hoot Facebook Diary! I’m going to do a monologue from “127 Hours” but instead of having my hand stuck between some rocks, I’m going to have it stuck in my toilet. That one will have to wait until I have it memorized because tomorrow I’m going to do a monologue that I had to do for my Acting I class last semester. It’s about a Jewish guy that doesn’t understand women and can’t get laid. Anyways FD, I need to mix another totty. So you know…

Dear Facebook Diary (3/15/12)

March Madness is well under way now and that means that I won’t be watching much TV for however fucking long they show basketball on 90% of the 22 channels that I have. If I were given the choice to either watch basketball or beat my dick with a blunt object my reply would be, “do you have a hammer?” I’m five and a half feet tall and white. I don’t give a rat’s ass about watching Amazon ghetto trees throwing bouncy balls through hoops for hours on end, and my friends that are obsessed with it are also some of the least athletic people I know.

Speaking of athletic, I am working out more now that the weather is getting nicer. To me, lifting weights is sort of like meditation. I lift weights when I have something on my mind or I lift intermittently while I do homework because it helps me think. I normally workout in my apartment and I rarely go to a gym these days because I like it to be quiet while I workout. However, today I went to the UNK gym and I meditated the living shit out of that whole fucking dumbbell rack like the bad ass motherfucker that I am! It was arm day and I have to tell you Facebook Diary, I dominate on arm days. I was wearing my regular workout pants and a t-shirt but still looking ripped and veiny as all fuck. Then some cocky little string bean in his sleeveless shirt, Under Armour shorts, and his legs that were almost as thick as my fingers walked in. He was chatting up a storm and screaming like Braveheart with every lift because he was a classic gym attention whore that thinks he’s all “jacked”. He was huffing and puffing while bench pressing the 65 pound dumbbells. I walked over to him as soon as he was done and asked him if I could use them. He handed them to me and I proceeded to curl them heavy sumbitches right in front of him. I truly believed that my forearms were going to snap once I reached the halfway point, but I had already committed to humiliating this nerd so I had to proceed. I curled them bastards 30, or maybe 2 times before I rested them back onto the weight rack and then turned around and gave him my “nigga please” look. Then I continued my reign of domination by lifting the whole weight stack with my Goddamn triceps.

I finally got to see last week’s episode of “The Walking Dead”. Jesus H. do I love this show. If you watch that show and you haven’t seen the previous episode yet and you happen to be reading this, I’m not going to ruin it for you because it is really shocking when Rick kills Shane out of nowhere. Fucking amazing television right there.

Dear Facebook Diary (3/14/12)

Right now I am procrastinating with my studies. I need to read part of chapter 5 or something because I have to take a quiz on it tomorrow morning. I procrastinate because I already know that I’m going to fail the quiz. That’s a really negative way of thinking but I have to tell you Facebook Diary, you would fail Jack’s quiz too no matter how much you studied. The weather was nice today so I took off my shirt and dusted off the gun rack by going on a walk n’ jog with my masculine upper body on full display to the public. I received a honk and a “woohoo!” from some underaged girls that I would most likely pursue if I didn’t live in America and that was a nice little kiss on my ego’s cheek. I saw Jacey rollerblading just like she said she would be doing when I talked to her this morning. I waved and wanted to stop and chat but I had to be at work in 30 minutes so I ignored her and continued with my cardio macho march while keeping my head down.

In summary, what the fuck? Why are my days so effing boring? I get out of bed, I go to class, I fail a test, I workout, I go to work, I do homework with a gin and tonic in hand, I go to bed, and it all starts over again. I’m going to Denver this weekend but Christ alive do I need something new in my life. Speaking of Christ, Santorum won the primaries in the racist states today. Santorum is one backwards thinking religious zealot fucking nuthouse that has no business being in politics. I genuinely loath people that don’t believe in evolution. If I actually believed that there was an all powerful god that would momentarily turn his attention away from all of the important problems in the universe to hear my prayer, the only thing that would ask him is if he would save me from his followers. Amen

Dear Facebook Diary (3/8/12)

I began coughing and sneezing up a storm yesterday and by this morning I had full blown AIDS. Most people throw in the towel when they get the big HIV but when life gives me AIDS I make lemonAIDS. I woke up early and quickly began treatment by drinking green tea, eating chicken soup, and flushing my sinuses with a Neti Pot. Holy shit do I love that Neti Pot. I’ve flushed my nose with it about 5 times today and even though it gave me some hearing loss and I saw bits of my brain fall out of my nostrils, I’m having a hell of a time keeping that thing away from my schnoz. I skipped class but I emailed my teacher so I wouldn’t look like a douche. I’m glad I skipped class because after treating my ailment all day I now feel like the virus is in remission. I didn’t workout today but I still feel like I am the alpha male of my wolfpack. Also, I did a rewrite for my Sophocles paper and it only took me about half an hour. Decent day I spose.

Dear Facebook Diary (3/7/12)

I notice people posting random statements about their life on here, and being the exhibitionist that I am, I will do the same but with more detail. Today I went to class and stared at a lame video while trying to take notes but my pen was running out of ink. Then I went back to my apartment and played some Scrabble while browsing some internet porn that I wasn’t really interested in, and then I went to work. I’ve been wearing my poopy pants today because a girl that I was interested in recently used me to get back at her boyfriend or some kind of bullshit, but I’m more interested in another young lady so I’m okay with it now. At the moment I’m sipping some cheap gin mixed with Crystal Lite until I feel tired but it’s not working. It’s cheap gin because I lost my debit card inside my apartment on Sunday and I got tired of looking for it, so I went to the bank and asked them to send me a new debit card. I have money in my checking account but I feel broke because I have to go to the bank in order to get cash until I get my new card. It’s such a privileged white person problem but it still pisses me off. And hence worth furthermore, there is a commercial with some latino lady that is over pronouncing her words with a latin accent to describe a movie she made for the Sundance film festival or something and it annoys the living poops out of me every time I see/hear it and I’ve seen it like ciento times today.

P.S. I think I’m going to write one of these whenever possible because I really do feel better now.

My Neighbor’s Penis

Thursday, March 27, 2008

I live in an over priced pathetic little studio apartment on the third floor. I am directly across this little street from a large apartment and I can see everything my neighbors do through their windows. Being that I already know that I’m going to hell because I am such an enormous sexual pervert, I fully indulge myself in voyeurism when the opportunity comes my way. Being a voyeur isn’t really my cup of tea, but I’m not going to turn away whenever fate smiles upon me by giving me a curvy and single Nubian M.I.L.F. that sleeps naked in the apartment across the street from mine.

I know she is an official M.I.L.F. because she has a son. I’m guessing he’s about 13 or 14 years old. He’s the classic tall and slender black kid that’s probably naturally gifted in various sports; such as basketball, baseball, football, wrestling, tennis, track and field, golf, soccer, volleyball, dancing, and basically any activity that includes physical strength and coordination. His room is directly across from my kitchen window and he usually keeps the blinds shut. That’s fine with me because I’m not really into the whole wanting to suck dick and fuck man-ass thing. I prefer to watch his mother instead.

Well this kid had a girl over tonight and he left his bedroom light on with the blinds open. I’m a huge fucking loser in the sense that I haven’t gotten laid in almost three months now, so I was hoping that I could enjoy a night of living vicariously through my high school ass getting neighbor kid by watching him log jam a hot girl in his bedroom. I probably would have touched my penis if that had happened, just to make it more realistic for me. Well the girl left and then he shut his bedroom door. He left the lights on and his blinds open, and then he sat down at his computer. I lost interest and I started scrambling some eggs because I’m broke and eggs are cheap.

After frizzling my eggs, I was putting the pan in the sink. The window is right over the sink and I could clearly see the neighbor kid skinning a giant 12-inch black carrot that was protruding straight out from his lap. He was beating his dick like it owed him money and he looked totally pissed off about it. I watched for a couple minutes because it isn’t very often that you get to see someone grip-fuck themselves with such an angry look on their face. The thing that caught my attention the most wasn’t the fact that he was rigorously winding his clock or that I could see his mother calmly cooking in the kitchen while he was doing it. What really stood out to me was the fact that this kid’s dick was HUGE. I could fit like four of my dicks into this kid’s one single dick. The whole black is bigger thing is true. That motherfucker. I lost interest after a couple minutes of watching this conkey-donged bastard shuffle his stack with the speed and aggression of a starving pit bull. So I watched ‘Deal or No Deal’ and then I farted around with my cell phone for 20 minutes or so.

After about an hour and a half, maybe two hours; I went to the sink to get a glass of water. That motherfucker was still hammering away on his fucking love log and he was still doing it at a fairly rapid pace. So not only does this asshole have an enormous dick but he’s got insane fucking stamina and stay power too. At first I was a little shocked to see him still going at it, but then these feelings of new insecurities flooded my mind. I can no longer imagine fucking his mom because even though he is her son, and I very highly doubt she’s had sex with her son, she has however seen his penis. So she knows that these giant legendary dicks are out there, and I know the look on her face after seeing my little white popsicle stick would haunt me for the rest of my life and would make my lady getting abilities even more laughable. I also know that if I ever have a girl over or I’m dating a girl while living here, I can never introduce her to my neighbor. As far as the stamina thing goes, maybe he’s just bad at masturbating. I mean, nobody on this planet knows their way around my dick better than I do. So when I jerk off it is all business, and I close shop pretty quick. But still, how the fuck do you masturbate continuously for 2 hours without losing it?

It’s like I’ve found the true reason behind the racial tension between the black and white populations. I don’t hate black people now, I just hate these athletic looking black kids with huge dicks. Their only purpose on Earth is to steal our white women, and to pollute their minds with thoughts of enormous chocodile dongs and to wreck their wombs so that the white seed from my delicate little penis will be unable to find it’s purchase in their plowed and up-heaved pussy pastures. Motherfuckers.

Little People

Friday, February 8, 2008

I don’t have shit to do on Friday’s now, so once again I have managed to spend an entire 24 hours inside of my apartment. Having a weekday off is sort of a double edged sword. If I really want to I can get a lot of things done while everyone else is at work, but more often than not I spend an entire day confronting my laziness.

That isn’t the point of this post though. I just finished watching a news story on ’48 Hours’ or ’20/20′ or ‘The View’ or ‘Nightly News with Bryant Gumble’ or whatever the name of the fucking ‘tard ass news show that reported the story of a 6’4″ man getting a 2’10” woman pregnant was. Besides how completely revolting it was to imagine the sight of a 6 foot 4 inch man piling into a 3 foot toad without wearing a condom, the news report made me notice just how completely stupid it is that society must stop using the word “midget”. When did the word midget become so fucking horrible that we had to change the term to an extremely wide ranging and vague term as “little people”? Children are little people, the elderly can sometimes be little people, people that are shorter than the person who is addressing them can all be called “little people” by the taller person, Danny Devito is a little person, the list of individuals that can be called little people is far too wide to try to use it on a specific group of people.

There is an extremely obvious difference between a 4 year old kid that’s 3 feet tall, and a 30 year old that’s the same height. Granted that both of them are little people, but one of them is so completely different that there really does need to be a proper term for them. I mean, telling your friends that you accidentally pissed on the head of a “little person” because you didn’t see him standing in front of the urinal really isn’t specific enough. Your friends would think you just pissed on a little kid or pretty much anyone shorter than yourself and that would make you look like a pervert or some kind of a weirdo. “Little person” is too vague to explain something so completely freaky as dwarfism.(I had a long and funny explanation of what would put a person into the category of midget at the beginning of this paragraph, but after reading it again I realized that it was way too fucking mean for me to openly post it. That’s a first.)

Why is the word “midget” so bad anyway? We’ve had to stop calling “African Americans” black, we stopped calling “Native Americans” Indians, we can’t categorize all “Hispanics” and “Latinos” as Mexicans anymore, and now we have to replace a term so perfectly specific as “Midget” with the wide open term “Little People”. Now if you tell me that your dance teacher is an African American, then naturally I assume that your teacher is of darker complexion because they are of African descent. If you tell me your gardner is Hispanic, then I can instantly create a mental picture of your gardner’s skin tone and what kind of car they drive. If you tell me that you had your nails done by an Asian lady, then I immediately know the racial profile of your nail technician because of her continental lineage. However, if you tell me that you bought cotton candy from a “little person” at the circus then my mind is left completely wide open as to what the person looked like. You cannot label an entire group of very different people with a vague height description.

If you’re not going to use the word midget then come up with a new fucking word. Just because you’ve been genetically banned from riding on roller coasters does not give you the right to have a monopoly on a term with such wide meaning as “little people”. If you don’t like the word midget then come up with a new word that you do like. Maybe call yourself “nuggets” or “trolls” or something that will at least give people a good idea of what you look like. You can even call yourselves something really awesome, like “knee hize” or “micromen” or “tiny extremez” or some neato word us normal people haven’t even heard before. That would be pretty bad ass. I wish I could come up with some really cool term that would give people a good idea of my appearance just by saying it. Instead I just have to tell people that I’m white. I really don’t see what these “little people” are bitching about.