Thursday, September 07, 2006

I just got off of work a little early today. I was very happy about this because I’ve been pinching back a very grumpy turd all day. I averaged 70mph on the drive home; I had to give birth to this shit midget before I lost consciousness. I ran to the upstairs toilet and immediately fell on it, ass first. I expected this turd to just fall out me but that wasn’t the case. I had to push like a motherfucker in order to coax this Cosby kid out my ass. A tiny little shitlet popped out of my butt and then I hit a plateau. I was stomping my feet and growling as I tried to push this thing out. Then all of a sudden I heard a faint little ‘pop’, and a tsunami of hot dung just shot out my ass. Toilet water splashed up my lower back as I felt an enormous sense of relief. I felt sort of drowsy as I reached over for the toilet paper to clean up my little potty fiasco. Despite all of the violence that had just occurred in my toilet, it turned out to be a “one-wiper” shit. I first had a feeling of extreme happiness (which is very common with “one-wipers”), but that feeling soon dissolved into a feeling of concern. “My poops are never this clean.”, I thought. When I stood up and pulled up my pants, I decided to look back into the toilet just so I could have some sort of understanding as to what had just happened. What I saw in the toilet made my heart stop. In the middle of my newly made fecal swamp was a clump that looked like brain matter. I haven’t eaten brains in the past week, nor have I ever eaten brains. So with that explanation out of the way I can only assume that I just shit my brains out. “Shit my brains out” is a term that I’ve heard many times, but I never thought that it could actually happen. I am unusually tired after taking that shit, so I am going to take a nap. If I have a concussion from the shit then I may never wake up. I don’t know, I’m not necessarily worried; I’m just a little concerned. I will keep you posted.