No, I am not a douche bag

Friday, August 11, 2006

My definition of a douche bag, or as I call them d-bags, is a person that is such a natural asshole that they don’t even realize that they are an asshole. Being unemployed and striking out in bars for the past 6 friggin months was making me wonder if I was a d-bag myself. However, I just went to a job interview and knocked it out of the park in under 15 minutes. Granted that it wasn’t a real substantial offer by any means, but it’s still a job, bitches. Not only that, but one of my bosses was rather attractive herself. There were some obvious sparks between us. I thought she was gonna float away if she kept giving me those butterfly eyes.

People are always telling me that I’m a nice guy, I’ve been dumped because I was supposedly too nice, and I’ve even had a couple of friends tell me that I need to start caring about myself more than I care about others. So those are all very reassuring in my quest to avoid being a d-bag. I think that I need to just quit doubting myself so much. I am very lean and muscular with six-pack abs(I’m almost too the point of looking all veiny and creepy), I still have my hair, I don’t have a huge penis but at least I have a penis, I have the ability to conquer almost every Playstation 2 game that was ever made, I’m moderately wealthy, I’m very independent, I’ve never had an S.T.D., kids absolutely love me, I’m only 5’6″ but fuck you for calling me short, I don’t enjoy getting all dressed up but I definitely clean up well, despite my wild past I still have a perfect driving record, I listen to really cool music (none of that trendy ’emo’ shit or country), I look very athletic but I hate sports and especially ESPN, I’m very fond of fitness girls but am as equally loving towards big booty hoes, I have a soft spot for animals even the ugly ones, I’m proud of being straight but I hate homophobes, friends tell me I’m the most Liberal person they know, I think marijuana and dozens of other drugs should be legal, I make fun of the handicapped but make sure none of them are around while I’m doing it, I lock the door when I masturbate, you say tomato but I say potato, I always try to smell good, I don’t drink nearly as much as I did in high school but I can still man-handle a bottle of whiskey, I don’t like to fight, I love game shows, I would rather stomp my rat brains with cleats  than scrape my windshield in the winter, I’m pretty sure O.J. was guilty, I actually like to talk about politics, I sort of think that college is a waste of money, I think that wearing diapers makes more sense than using toilets,  I don’t understand why men have nipples, I’m a little bit of a pussy but I won’t tell people that, my farts sound really cool and smell like garbage mixed with a hint of cabbage, I’m always over tipping waiters and taxi drivers, I let a stripper melt candle wax on me and then whip me with some shitkicker’s belt buckle until I couldn’t walk, I prefer the term “moose knuckle” over “camel toe”, and I always open doors for people. That was a fairly long rant about myself, but if you add all of those traits together you will come to the same conclusion that I did, and it is this: No, I am not a douche bag.

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