My New Year’s resolution

Sunday, January 6, 2008

I quit my shit-sucking job of selling exercise equipment for a total douche whip excuse of a boss yesterday. It was actually caused by a big mix up on the schedule that eventually led to me saying, “Well what fuckin’ ever, I quit.” You see, I’m attending the Adult Video News awards in Las Vegas this upcoming weekend, and apparently because it is absolutely taboo and unheard of for people to ever ask for time off at this buttfucking job, they assumed that I was quitting. I realized then that I was working for lobotomized mongoloids that couldn’t comprehend the existence of life outside of a fucking sports store. So I decided to give them a good-bye and fuck you later.

Well I didn’t do shit for New Year’s this year because I happened to be working for the douche whip boss. So today I have decided to make my New Year’s resolution and Goddammit I’m going to stick to it, whatever that resolution may be. I’ve chosen to stay in bed all day today, just reading, watching TV, eating, masturbating to internet porn, playing Playstation, and only leaving my bed for the occasional piss and a poop. I will get out of bed to workout at some point today so I’ll be able to sleep tonight, as I’ve drank so much coffee that I got a nose bleed this morning and I can feel my heart beating in my temples. I’ll probably take a shower too, but there’s no way in hell that I will be leaving this apartment today.

Anyway, on to my ideas for a New Year’s resolution. I can only choose one resolution, but I’ll probably make the resolution sort of vague so it covers several things that I need to change. I’m just going to make a list of them along with an explanation, and then I’ll choose the best or easiest one to follow.

1. Get a job that I like. I’ve had several jobs in my lifetime and I can really only think of two of them that I actually enjoyed. The last enjoyable job that I had was four years ago and it’s time that I find another one. I refuse to dedicate my time to working for fuckheads that don’t even consider me a person, and most people consider that to be a “poor work ethic”. I don’t know, maybe I’ll just retire.

2. Have a steady relationship with a girlfriend. By steady relationship I mostly mean having an attractive girl that is willing to exchange humiliating sex acts for dinner and a movie. She must also have an uncanny control over her gag reflex as I’ve been told several times that my farts smell like sour kraut and garbage, and I’m pretty sure that my ass plays a silent but deadly orchestra every night while I sleep because my bed smells like a Mexican cemetery every morning of the week.

3. Climb a mountain. Climbing a mountain would be awesome. I’m getting back into my outdoorsy self now that I’ve given up on all the bodybuilding bullshit. I’ll be honest though, I’ll probably never do this. I fucking hate the cold and I don’t know of any considerable mountains that are warm weathered from top to bottom.

4. Go to Europe. This is actually a good possibility. I decided a few months ago that I was going to do more traveling, (so I can’t use that as my New Year’s resolution), and Europe would be a great place to start. I’d also like to see Australia and Africa though. But I’m paying for school and an over priced apartment right now, so who knows.

5. Force Britney Spears to wear the school girl outfit from ‘Oops I Did it Again’, duct tape her to a running washing machine, pee on her, and then sell the video for millions of dollars. It’s been all over the news lately that Britney Spears was supposedly going to move to the Cherry Creek neighborhood of Denver. I’m only about a mile away from that area, so I figured I probably had a 95% chance of being Britney Spears’ new boyfriend. So I figured I would be able to cover the first two resolutions by having a new job as an amateur porn star as well as having a steady girlfriend. However, I also heard that the rumor wasn’t true. So I’ll just have to stick with duct taping completely unknown girls to dishwashers, barfing on them, and then posting it on You Tube for free.

6. Capture Big Foot. I don’t believe in the Lochness monster or unicorns, but Big Foot is fucking real. I saw him buying carrots at 2:00 AM in a Super Wal-Mart in Nebraska a few years ago, and I’ve spent those years regretting the fact that I didn’t take the opportunity to capture him and expose him to the world. I’ll tell you that he was wearing sweat pants and a purple tank top that said AT & T and had Carrot Top exclaiming “Dial down the middle!” on it, but those are the only details that I will openly give to the public. I don’t want to give the opportunity of catching Big Foot to anyone else, so I’ll just keep most of the details to myself.

7. Eat shit and die. I’m not down with the whole dying part of that resolution, but that would be a good way to go. People are always telling one another to “eat shit and die”, and I’m just wondering if that expression is based on an actual occurrence or a true event. I’m sure you could eat a butt log and then die from some disease or bacteria in the poop, but I wonder if there’s a way to just eat shit and instantly die. Maybe you could choke on shit and die. Nonetheless, rather than dying of cancer or old age, I think it would be a cool way to be remembered. Whenever someone asked one of my remaining relatives how I passed away, there only answer could be “Well he ate shit and died.”

8. Grow a pair. I will fully admit that I can be a bit of a pussy. I tend to just follow the rules most of the time. By moving back to Denver and going to film school I did sort of man-up a little I suppose. Some people tell me that I do have some balls, but I just don’t feel that way. I need to kick some fucking ass this year.

9. Get a tattoo. Oh fuck that resolution. That’s a fucking lame ass resolution if you ask me. Everyone and there gerbil has a fucking tattoo these days. If you want to be original then don’t get a tattoo. I don’t know why I even took a second to consider that a worthy New Year’s resolution.

10. Have a sex change operation. I’m not gay, but it would be really interesting to spend a year as a woman. I would definitely do it if I knew that I could switch back to being a guy when I got tired of it. I would use the opportunity to show women that they aren’t nearly as socially repressed as several women claim to be. Unfortunately, even though I am not gay, I would have to be a total slut. That has more to do with my beliefs involving gender roles than it does with sexual preference. It’s really fucking hard to approach attractive women, and knowing that I’m a spitting image of Carmen Electra when I put a wig on I know that I would be an extremely attractive woman and my belief system would force me to be an all out whore for nerds.

Okay, I’m tired of typing. My mind and fingers are venturing back towards internet porn right now so I better just pick one. I’m going to choose resolution number 8. It’s the most logical resolution and it would cover almost all of the resolutions on here. So that’s it. I’m going to have a lot of fucking balls in the year 2008. That was easy.

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