Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Nate (the bartender): “Luke, announce the last call.” he tells me as he leans into the D.J. booth and then casually walks back to his duty of maintaining the bar.

Me: I flip the switch on the microphone and lean over to shout the usual closing lines to the Lear Jet’s night club crowd. “Last call for alcohol, ladies and gentleman! If she isn’t drunk enough to fuck your stupid ass, then this is your last chance to shove more swill down her throat! I repeat, last call for alcohol!” I then begin to play “Goodnight Ladies” by Lou Reed. I figured it would be a nice change from the usual “Let’s Get it On” by Marvin Gay. It was strictly a rap and hip-hop club, so I liked to close things out with something a little more calm and cheeky.

K: K is a girl that I had slightly known in high school. She was known to have many actual mental problems and was quite literally crazier than an outhouse rat. She wasn’t wildly insane; she was quiet serial killer insane. However, she had enormous tits, a very slim waistline, a decent face, and I knew that she was dumb enough to go home with a guy like me. “Hi Luke. I didn’t know you were a D.J. here. How are you doing?”

Me: “Oh I’ve been working here for almost a year now, I’m fine. You look great. What have you been up to?”

K: “I’ve just been doing charity work at Goodwill and helping disabled people at the hospital. I have a place in the apartments just down the street. Maybe you should stop by sometime. Will you excuse me for a moment.” She leaves the entry to the D.J. booth and walks towards the women’s bathroom.

Nate: “Dude, if you don’t fuck the shit out of that girl then I’m going tell the entire world just how flaming fucking gay you are.”

Me: “That girl is completely batshit man. She’s probably playing with her own shit in the toilet right now. You really think I should go home with her though?”

Nate: “You fucking better go home with her. Tony boned her about a month ago and he said she was a damn wildcat under the sheets.”

K: She walks out of the bathroom and walks directly up to me. Nate slowly slips away so that I can have a chance to seal the deal. “So are you just going home now, or are there any parties or anything?”

Me: “Well I don’t have any plans. I’ll probably just go home and go to bed. What are you going to do?”

K: She puts her mouth up to my ear and whispers, “Well I’m planning on taking you to my place and fucking your brains out.” Then she just slightly flicks my ear with her tongue.

Me: I’m completely amazed by this. I’ve had sex with some crazy ass nasties before, but none of them had given me such an instant boner by whispering kinky sex lines in my ear. I replied with a sort of nervous voice, “Who’s driving?”

K: She just sort of smiles at me and then she takes me by the hand and leads me out the door. I get into her white Pontiac and she starts the car. Everyone has had that time when they start their car and the stereo is blasting some hardcore song that they were previously jamming out to. When the car started her stereo began blasting one of those ‘sounds of nature’ CD’s. There were waves splashing and whale sounds pounding through out the car, and then she immediately turned it down and smiled at me. “Sorry, my apartment is just a couple blocks away.”

Me: I’m already completely fucking freaked out by the nature CD. I can understand somebody that enjoys listening to them while they are driving because it would help to calm them down. However, this fucking loony toon was obviously blasting whale sounds like she was rocking the shit out of that CD on her way to Lear Jet’s that night. That’s so goddamn weird that I immediately feel regret for going home with this psycho. “I just need to make sure that I have a ride back to my car in the morning.” I didn’t have shit to do the next day, but it was cold and I wanted to make sure that I had a way out of this situation. At the very least, I was making sure that she realized my car was still in the Lear Jet’s parking lot and that people would notice it if I were to go missing.

K: “Don’t worry, I’m going to take good care of you.”

We pulled into the parking lot of the apartments just down the street from Lear Jet’s and she parked. She leaned over towards me and we both made out like 8th graders for 10 minutes or so. I was all about getting my hands on her enormous sweater puppies. We then exited the car and went inside to her apartment. It was surprisingly clean. It was perhaps too clean. I could see the vacuum lines in the carpet, there wasn’t a speck of dust anywhere, her DVD’s were very neatly organized and I later noticed that they were alphabetized, there were about 4 different stacks of coasters to make sure that nobody ever directly placed a drink on a table, and she had a huge ass projection screen TV that I could see my reflection in. I like clean homes, but I knew that this place was cleaned with Ajax and insanity. K had slipped off into another room while I glanced around her apartment.

K: “Luke. Get in here.” She said from a dark room off to the side of me.

Me: I entered the dark room slowly. I saw K lying on a bed and she was wearing nothing but an oversized Husker t-shirt. She had her legs slightly opened and I knew that somewhere in that darkened space there was a crazy lady’s vagina. I didn’t say a word. I just took off my shirt and climbed on top of her.

K: “Oh fuck yeah baby! Lick my fucking pussy you fucking animal!” She said to me as she forced me to take the party downstairs.

Me: This was one of the most poorly kept vaginas that I have ever seen or smelled. I was immediately offended by the uncleanliness of her gap. I had just come face to face with a disease-ridden hatchet wound and now I had to eat my way out. Goddammit, I thought to myself. This bitch hadn’t even touched my penis yet and she was already shoving my face into her scummy crotch, and she already knew just how fucking nasty her shit was. What a bitch!  I opened her stinky jungle book and proceeded to service her.

K: “Oh yeah baby. Keep going, I have a treat for you when you’re done.” She said as she continuously pushed my head into her snootch.

Me: I’m diving in now that I have the thought of some sort of reciprocal treatment once I was finished. So after about 20 minutes of snorkeling in her rusty cock socket, I come up for air. I force my tongue down her throat just to show her my gratitude for forcing my head into the stinkiest of all stinky’s. She doesn’t fight back, and I start playing with her gigantic mammories in my effort to forgive her.

K: “Oh I want more!” She says as she forces my head back towards her fucking dead pussy. “I’m going to make you feel so fucking good.”

Me: I refuse to go back down into that scum hole that she considers her flower and I continue to make out with her. “Got any condoms?” I mutter out with my head between her massive boobies.

K: “In the drawer right there.”

Me: I pull out the drawer that she pointed to. I’m surprised to see about 100 different kinds of condoms, like 4 dildos, and some sort of leather panty type thing. I just grab one and hope that it isn’t some giant condom that will make my dick look small. “Here, help me put this on.”

K: “No, that is absolutely disgusting. I will not help you put a condom on. You can do it yourself!” She blurts out in this instantly weird and angry tone.

Me: “I don’t even have a hard on yet. You’ve just been lying there while I do all of the work. What am I like a dirty mortician or something?” Was my remark to her anger in actually having to do something.

K: “Do you want to sleep on the couch or what?” She says to me as she rolls over.

Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’m not quite excited enough yet.” I said in an attempt to at least get some oral action to help me with my limp situation. I was already somewhat drunk and smelling her expired meatloaf didn’t exactly get me all revved up to bone her.

K: “What? Am I not pretty enough for you? You’re such an asshole. You have never said anything nice to me. Why? Why?” She said to me in what was obviously a sudden bout of complete fucking insanity. She was actually crying a little bit.

Me: “Where is your bathroom?” I had to get the fuck out of that place.

K: “Look I’m sorry. Sometimes I just get a little frustrated. The bathroom is right over there and you can treat yourself to some of the whiskey in the kitchen.”

Me: I walked into the bathroom to take a piss and snoop around. I locked the door and decided to start by looking through her medicine cabinet. I opened the cabinet and found a treasure trove of psychoactive drugs. There was Xanax, Prozac, Buspar, Trazodone, Diamox, Neurontin, Bromocriptine, and so many varieties of pain killers and sleep aides that I was utterly amazed. I will not say as to whether I grabbed most of them and stuffed my pockets with wild drugs, but I may have. I then went into the kitchen and found a bottle of Jack Daniels on the counter. I didn’t know how I was going to get out of her apartment with pockets full of drugs that I might have stolen. So I sat on her couch and sipped some whiskey while I thought about it. I began to feel sleepy as I sat there drinking whiskey in the moonlight.

Me: I was suddenly awakened by K standing over me with an angry look on her face. I looked around to get a grip on the situation and to fully realize what was going on. I had apparently drunk half a bottle of Jack Daniels and fell asleep on K’s couch.

K: “You fucking thief! Where the fuck did you put them! I need them, NOW!”

Me: I was instantly frightened by her loud screaming and anger. I did the only thing that I could do in a situation like that. Run.

Me: I bolted off of the couch and pushed her out of the way. I ran towards the door and unhinged the chain to make my exit. I ran down the hallway and out of the door. I could hear K screaming nonsense at me as she chased me. It was December and there was snow on the ground as well as it being bitterly cold outside. That didn’t stop K from chasing me outside while being barefoot. Her insanity worked like a painkiller against the freezing temperature of the ice on her feet. I was running full speed back towards my car that was still parked at Lear Jet’s. I was scared shitless as I could still hear the insane woman chasing me. It was only hours ago that my face was buried in her beaver. I got to my car and fumbled with the keys. I had to use the key to unlock the doors, as it had no remote lock mechanism. I frantically tried to get the door unlocked as I watched the crazy bitch running towards me. I got the door open and jumped in. She was trying to pull the passenger door open as I started the car. I only slowly backed out of the parking stall, because I didn’t want to hurt K. She was crazy, not evil. I then stomped on the gas and swerved past her. I drove home, locked the doors, and went to sleep.

* I saw K come into the Lear Jet’s Night Club after that, but she never talked to me again. I knew that she was probably extremely angry about the giant cache of MAOI’s, painkillers, and sleeping pills that I may have taken from her, but she never said anything about it to me. K was just one of the many adventures that one could take part in while working at the Lear Jet’s Night Club. I had many strange and weird adventures while working at Lear Jet’s. I miss that club dearly, and in a way, I miss K.