Thursday, July 19, 2007

If you don’t think that farting is funny or somewhat cool, then you’re a fucking humorless douche bag. God realized that he fucked up when he created things like the plague, AIDS, cancer, Dick Cheney, non-alcoholic beer, and DMV’s. So he decided to make it up to us by giving us humans the ability to lighten up the mood of any situation just by using our ass.

The fart can change the mood of anyone in any situation. If you’re at a funeral and everyone is crying and weeping over the recently deceased and you hear the “Fwomp” of a big poopy fart from somewhere in the crowd of criers, it immediately causes an almost reflex like grin to spread across your face. Even if you think that farting during a funeral is horrible it’s still sort of funny once the smell hits your nose. If you are sitting in an interrogation room and are being questioned because you are the number one suspect in the gruesome murder of a disabled nun; I guarantee that if you were to lean to the side and slide out a greasy gut bomb that every cop in the room would start laughing. Farts are an amazing gift from God, and just like the gift of sex, people have made farting taboo.

I consider farting to be an art form. My ass is the brush, scent and sound are my media, and the nose and ears are my canvas. With these components I create masterpieces that only the truly well sense-of-humored can appreciate. I create whimsical songs of thunder that dance in the nostrils like a sack of shit. It’s fucking hilarious. I just farted right now.

I’m not sure how the whole farting thing rests with the minds of gay guys. I don’t know if farting is accepted among the homosexual male community because the bunghole is probably seen in a different light to them. I would imagine that farting is a way of flirting or blowing kisses to eachother among gay men. Farting is a renaissance language to them, it is the romantic language of love. I wonder if there was a farting ritual used for choosing mates before the bath houses of the 80’s closed down. Perhaps the tone or the squeak of the fart would determine if the guy was a pitcher or a catcher.

However, women always seem to be appalled whenever a man farts. Well fuck you lady! If I ever find myself dating some snooty bitch that can’t pat me on the back for my stinky anal achievements then she can just go sleep in the fucking car. I  used to believe that when a girl farted it sounded like the ringing of little bells and a pink poof of flower scented perfume came out. My friend’s girlfriend in high school ruined that whole theory. So now I know that women drop horrible bombs just like guys do, and I’m sure that they do it around their fellow girlfriends and laugh just the same way as us guys do. So why the fuck do women have to act like assholes just because a guy farted? I’ll tell you why, because women are born hypocrites in every sense of the word. In fact, I’m willing to bet that a girl’s panties would have twice as many skidmarks as my boxers do. That’s just another reason for me to stay single. There may come a time that I somehow lose my ability to break wind and I want to celebrate this wonderful gift as much as possible before the lord taketh away. I refuse to imagine just how sad and dismal my existence would be if I were to be robbed of my right to nearly shit my pants with ass clapping farts. So my advice to any woman that considers farting to be rude and inappropriate is this: “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth because this world would be really fucking depressing if people were unable to fart, so stop being such a fucking bitch and let some of that gas out of your guts, you’ll feel better.”