Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Anyone that is a close friend of mine has more than likely witnessed the phenomena of my farts. I am convinced that my butthole is a gateway to another dimension that is filled with death and torture, or hell in other words. I came to this conclusion because of the moans and squeals of tortured souls as well as the musty and potent scent of evil that emits from my ass. One of my old roommates was convinced that I would be successful in life because I had obviously sold my ass to the devil.

Anyway, my suspicions about the evil that lies within my ass were answered today. I had eaten garlic humus spread on pita bread, mussels over rice with general tso sauce, and a cup of natural yogurt just before I went downtown to workout this afternoon. Granted that what I had for brunch was a pretty fucking wierd combination of foods, I believe that it was the strenuous leg workout that angered my guts into building up so much rage and aggression towards the human ears and olfactory system today.

It all started after I had gone down to GNC at the pavilion to get some meathead food to feed my aching legs after my workout. I picked up an amino acid drink because I have recently stopped with the whole protien shake thing and then I decided I would go down to The Tattered Cover to maybe pick up a book or something. I got onto the RTD to shuttle me from one end of 16th street to the other. (You see here in Denver, 16th Street Mall is the main street in downtown Denver. You are not allowed to drive on it because it is a long business street where you just walk from store to store. The RTD is a free bus in between the sidewalks that just shuttles people up and down the street and it stops at every corner). I got onto the RTD and sat down in the back because I knew that I would be traveling from the South end to the North end of 16th, so I would be on it for a little while.

Denver has a shitload of homeless people in it, and those stinky homeless people love to sit on the RTD and harass people with morals from dusk ’til dawn. Well at the corner of Tremont one of these booze stinking hobos got on and sat down next to me. It was also on the corner of Tremont when I began to feel a horrible bubble of putrid hate begin to stir in my stomach. After stopping and going at two more street corners, this bubble was becoming unbearable. It felt as if it was trying to force itself up into my lungs, which was making it hard for me to breath. I started sipping on my amino acid drink to see if it would quench the demon in my stomach. I was wrong. It only enraged the monster even more. Fear set in. I looked around to see if there was any area of the bus where I could let out a huge shit burst without getting busted but realized I was trapped. I then got the idea that I would try to quietly let it out at the next stop while the driver was announcing the street over the intercom. So he stopped at Curtis street and I began to release this merciless gut fucker. I kept my ass pressed to the seat while I slowly loosened my anal grip on the fart. It instantly made a high pitched and very loud squeaking noise that lowered its tone as it continued its exit from my ass, ultimately ending in a bubbling or sort of clapping sound. The fart couldn’t have lasted longer than two seconds but it felt like hours went by. I looked from side to side while this howling banshee tore out from between my ass cheeks. I looked to my left at the toothless tramp that smelled of Mad Dog 20/20. He stared at me like I had just called his mother a donkey-blowing bitch. I looked at the dozens of people in front of me and they stared back at me like I was a circus freak. I felt like the elephant man when he was being chased and chastised on the subway.

When my asshole finally stopped screaming I thought that I was in the clear and I felt very mentally and physically relieved. Everyone had started to look away and mind their own business again when the smell hit. It hit like a tidal wave of shit that had been personally pushed out by Satan himself. It smelled like the Salvation Army mixed with skunk and a hint of steamed broccoli. The hobo moved away from me and then he actually got off at the next stop. A guy who eats garbage, pisses his pants, collects his own scabs, huffs Bed Bath and Beyond potpourri, and lives under a cardboard lean-to next to a creek thought that this fart was too much for him to handle. The dozens of people in front of me attempted to cram themselves into a six foot space at the front of the bus; leaving me all alone in my own horrible ass gas at the back. It not only filled me with embarrassment, but it also caused my fight or flight survival instincts to kick in. I all but ran from the bus when it arrived at the next stop….