Time Travel is Real, I’ve Seened It (4/29/12)

I think that it is time for me to tell my friends and family that I am a superhero or a potential super villain. I could step on either side of the line between good and evil because I have yet to find the proper use of my powers. Some super beings require an outfit or a special ring to exert their superpowers for means of serving justice or attempting to destroy planet Earth but I only need my debit card and a bar. With my debit card and an ample amount of alcohol for fuel I am able to surpass the laws of the space-time continuum and instantaneously disappear from any local location to suddenly awake in my bed. I have been able to use this superpower in every town, city, apartment, and house that I have ever lived in. I discovered my time traveling capability at the tender age of 15. On rare occasions a brave female passenger will accompany me on my light speed journey through time and space as a willing companion to arrive in my bed, but this Saturday night I travelled alone.

Last night I attended UNK’s APO banquet at the Alley Rose. It’s a fraternity/sorority thing for the Theatre department and I’m not a member of it but I am a theatre nerd now so I happily went. I worked that morning and part of the day and I was feeling very groggy when I got home from work. I was lying sideways across my cheap Wal-Mart wannabe Lazy Boy for nearly two hours in a semi-conscious state when I realized that I should get my ass in gear and get ready for the dinner; this was at 6:00PM. I texted a number of people to ask them when the banquet began as I casually waltzed into my water closet to wash my body and shave my face and balls. As I was brushing my teeth, grooming my perfect 8 body with the warm water rays of my shower, and letting the shampoo and conditioner perform its miracles on my scalp all at the same time, I received five text messages within the span of a minute. I stepped out of the shower to check the messages and every one of the texts said that the banquet had already begun; this was at 6:28PM.

I quickly dressed myself in my finest attire and drove to the Alley Rose. My souped-up turbo charged Malibu cut through air and traffic with the hostility of a vengeful samurai sword and I arrived at the Alley Rose at 6:35PM. Thank God my Malibu has a spoiler to keep the back end planted on the pavement or I would have been Tokyo drifting with every turn. I was feeling pretty hungry because I didn’t have time to eat before I left my underground headquarters so I grabbed a plate and ran through the buffet to find a selection comprised of vegetables and fried chicken. The year is 2012 and people are still eating fried fucking chicken? I scooped a moderate helping of asparagus and mashed potatoes onto my plate and bought a vodka tonic. Despite my hunger I only ate a couple of bites and remained famished. This was good because drinking with a full stomach seems to blunt my time traveling powers.

The award show was great and Ryan made a video that was actually funny and I didn’t have to use a fake laugh out of kindness at any point during the banquet. I’m excited to know that next semester I will have the financial ability to partake in all of the shows. During the banquet I knocked back two vodka tonics and two Crown and diets. After the dinner I went to Kyle and Nat’s apartment where I enjoyed two glasses of wine. We then walked to Thunderhead where I had a gin and tonic, a Crown and diet, a glass of some kind of dark beer, and two shots of tequila. I may have drunk more but my superpower was beginning to take its effect at this point and it’s difficult for me to keep track of reality when I begin my journey through time.

We left Thunderhead and went to Shooter’s. Shooter’s is my least favorite bar because it is filled with insecure cowboy closet cases, lot lizards, and future inmates. I know that I drank another gin and tonic there but it is a mystery as to whether I consumed any more fuel while at Shooter’s. I received a stern warning to stay away from a girl because some people mistake my awkwardness for being a Casanova and then we went to Nate and Spencer’s apartment; I think Jared drove me. It was a surprisingly large party and I remember talking to Taylor, Tia, Jacey, and maybe some other girls that were still wearing diapers when I received my driver’s license. That is when I chose to drink a final beer as a farewell toast to my fellow partygoers and travel directly into 9:00AM on this Sunday morning. Normally my time traveling gives me motion sickness and I suffer from a headache and upset stomach upon arriving in my bed, and I nurse these ailments by sipping coffee and fapping to Internet movies on spankwire. However, I felt completely fine when I suddenly arrived in my bed this morning. I apparently traveled through some space junk because I found $87, a “twisted pleasure” Trojan condom, an unopened single packet of ID Glide water based personal lubricant, and the directions on how to use the condom. I’m happy that the condom and lubricant were unopened because if I had tried to use them on a fellow time traveling young woman last night then she would have been given the earthworm treatment with my flaccid heater because the only downside to my superpower is the inability to get a boner during my time travel. Overall it was a fun night but I wish that I had postponed my time traveling a bit longer or that a heroic girl may have found the courage to bolt through time with me. Now I must set out to find my Malibu as it was left behind in my nocturnal adventure.

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