Sitting in my cheap Wal-Mart wannabe Lazy Boy today, I couldn’t ignore the musty scent of swass that seemed to be wafting my nostrils from between my legs. Every time I bent over and held my nose close to my crotch my face was met with a putrid wave of sweaty swamp gas that felt 5 degrees warmer than the rest of the room. I showered as soon as I smelled it this morning and then I showered again when I smelled it a couple of hours ago. After walking around and running some errands I realized that it isn’t me that smells at all. It’s my chair. I’m glad that my balls don’t smell like butts but now I’m hosing my chair with Febreeze as if it were a fire extinguisher and apparently nothing can kill this stink. I’m sure that to the unfamiliar nose it’s a relatively mild smell but to me it stinks so bad that it’s hurting my feelings. It smells like the Salvation Army. It smells like my chair sold itself to the devil.
Other than discovering that my chair is the ninth gate to hell, today was glorious. My acting class went great and I didn’t have to go to work today and now I’m sipping on the other over priced bottle of wine that my brother left behind this weekend. It’s Pinot Noir, and Pinot Noir is the darkest and pricier wine and it’s my faves. I’m digging this wine pretty hard. As I was about to say, I have been submitting myself to movies and TV series as an extra for a couple of months now and today some casting guy called me from Atlanta saying that they want me for the lead role for a pilot that they’re pitching to HBO. As soon as I heard the news I leaped out my chair so I wouldn’t poop on it and make it smell even worse. They want me to play an upper class Midwestern white guy that’s a pharmaceutical rep but he gets off on sleeping with black guys. He said he was looking for a 28-32 year old pretty boy that works out and looks like he’s from the country and that is exactly what I am. I need to send him a video monologue of me “emotionally losing it” and preferably with my shirt off because I would be required to be shirtless a fair amount of times on the show and I need to do this by next week. So I am scrambling to find a good monologue of me going bat shit. I know this isn’t some bullshit scam to see me naked because it is a real production studio and I got it from Backstage. He asked if I’d be willing to show my bare ass and have “semi-intimate” contact with other males if this series were to be picked up and I was all like fuck yeah I’d do it. And I’ll be fucked if I didn’t have a 10 page thesis paper due on Monday and I haven’t even started on it. Anyway, I had to kick down the closet door and admit to him that I am in fact straight but I would suck a train car of hobo dicks to have a significant role on an HBO series. Whether I’m mating or bating I do think about women so I have no concerns with pretending to be gay on camera for money. Women will sleep with anyone they see on TV. Besides, my scented chair is the result of my hairy man-ass sitting on it for 2 years and I don’t think that smell could ever give me a chubby, not even if it was the last cheap Wal-Mart wannabe Lazy Boy on Earth.
I switched my major to Theater this semester and I’m in a one-act play for UNK this month and without going into too much detail I will say that I have to play the ass end of a camel while another girl plays the head. Despite how kinky that sounds already, we unanimously decided tonight that her I should grind like suburban seventh graders when “Jesus is My Homey” blasts in the background. She shrugged off my grindings and told me that touching people makes her uncomfortable. I said “that’s cool” which is my code for “challenge accepted”. She’s over a decade younger than me because she’s a normal aged college student and I see this as an invitation to get creepy.