If there is anything worse than having my apartment be overrun with uncles it’s having my apartment be overrun with ants. This is the third summer that I will be living in my creepy basement apartment, and as soon as the weather begins to get nice this apartment is spontaneously full of ants. Fucking ants everywhere!
So I went to my dark and dreary kitchen for breakfast on Saturday morning as usual, and I quickly noticed that the ants had begun their annual parade across my kitchen counter and under my microwave. I Lysoled the whole fucking lot of them and then cleaned my kitchen counter. I had to work from 9:00AM to 9:00PM that day, so my hatred for those heartless fuckers burned within me all day. Then at 9:30 or tenish, I went to Wal-Mart to buy the Amdro ant killer traps and some of this clear sugar stuff that kills them. This is an annual event for me so I know exactly what to buy. Once I arrived back at my dingy underground residence, I began my merciless Jihad against the little bastards. Behind my fridge = Amdro, behind my microwave = Amdro, behind my shitbox = Amdro, behind anything else I could put an Amdro trap behind = Amdro; I literally placed Amdro traps and the clear poison stuff urrywurr.
Well I could tell right from the get go that the Amdro traps were different this year. Firstly, they are now brown in color instead of white. Secondly, the box says that they’re “improved”. And thirdly, they don’t fucking work! Normally after I set out these Amdro baits of death the ants stampede like wild water buffalo for a day, and then they’re gone for the rest of the year. This year they stampeded as usual and now there are lingerers all over the fucking place. Apparently the 2012 batch of Amdro traps just isn’t up to snuff. I was just in my kitchen frazzlin up some eggs in the frizzle pan and I saw 3 ants casually stroll out from under my microwave. Then one of the little shits managed to find its way onto my leg. I reminded each one of the little fucktards that “I pay the fucking rent here” just before I crushed them and discarded their soulless carcasses into my sink. I’ve seen even more of them hanging out in my damn bathroom. I throw them in the toilet and piss on them before I flush them and watch them die in a horrid torrent of swirling death. I put them in the toilet because I find satisfaction in knowing that the last thing they see before dying is my giant human penis which is like thousands of times the size of their entire bodies. So there is an aspect of humiliation that goes along with their death.
I want to see “The Hunger Games”. I haven’t felt the need to see a movie in the theaters since “The Dark Knight” and I didn’t even go to see that movie in the theaters. I don’t have any lady friends that I assume would want to go to the movie with me so I’ll probably wait for it to come out on DVD. That’s really pathetic but I prefer watching movies by myself anyway because I’m very meticulous with my movie watching and I need some damn silence while I do it. I watch movies like I read books. Maybe I’ll go to the movie alone and find some half retarded underage girls standing in line and I’ll tell them that I’ll pay for their tickets if they sit by me and tell people that we’re all together. Then I’ll at least look like a pimp or a pedo while I watch the flick. Still haven’t gotten laid lately, but I haven’t tried either. I’ve still got lobstertube.