A Midget’s Hand (4/2/12)

I have thoroughly enjoyed the recent string of warm weather but it has turned my crummy basement apartment into Madagascar. Today I have chosen to take a stand against the mounting herds of species and crustaceous arthropods that are occupying my apartment. There are undiscovered subterranean creatures everywhere. I feel like I am being watched, or possibly stalked even as I type this.
This act of war began just moments ago while I was sitting on my toilet. I was not pooping; it’s just nice to sit while I pee sometimes. Maybe the reason women live longer is because they get multiple breaks during the day simply because they sit while they pee. Anyway, I was sitting on the shitter when out of the corner of my eye I saw a midget’s hand scuttle across the wall next to me. When I turned to look I saw that it wasn’t a midget’s hand, but it was an enormous species of spider that hasn’t evolved since the Triassic period. I’m fairly sure that when I looked at it closely I saw that it had eyebrows and a bellybutton because this thing was fucking huge and half human. If this bastard had strolled across my wall in the living room then I may have felt differently, but this motherfucker was watching me make wee-wee in the water closet and my privacy was shattered. That pisses me off!

I immediately searched the perimeter for a weapon and found an arsenal of scented potpourri cans under my sink that my mother had bought for me at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. I grabbed the one that I liked the least because then I wouldn’t feel bad about wasting it, it was the Pina Colada scent. Over the course of 5-8 minutes an epic battle took place between the enormous arachnid and I. I completely drenched the shithead with Pina Colada scented acid and although it slowed him down he was still crawling with the strength of a small child. I searched under my sink again and found a can of hairspray. I was surprised to find this because I haven’t bothered combing my hair since 2007, and even then I don’t remember using hairspray. I removed the cap from the hairspray and pointed the business end at the eight-legged werewolf and unloaded on the little shit. He crawled a little faster because this new weapon obviously scared the crap out of him. After spritzing him with a good amount of hair product I put my face close to his and then I did the cruelest thing possible… I began to blow on him until he dried. After 30 seconds he was completely frozen in place. I can’t imagine the horror that the little guy was feeling, but it gave me a huge feeling of accomplishment. Then to make the spider’s living nightmare worse, I plucked his paralyzed but living body off of my wall with a square of toilet paper, threw him in the toilet, and flushed him into the sewer where he belongs. For the sake of Buffalo County I hope he didn’t survive because I can’t imagine what kind of sea monster that spider would evolve into after a few years of living in toxic beef fed sewage.

This battle with the spider was loud so I’m sure several of the creatures heard it, and I hope they’re scared. Although I’m satisfied with my conquering of the spider my bathroom now smells like a Jamaican bar because there’s pina colada scent everywhere. Wish me luck with my ongoing battle Myface. I’ll be sleeping with one eye open and a can of hairspray under my pillow for the rest of the Spring and Summer. Farewell, and God’s speed.

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